New to this community-How to cope with what if's

Hello everyone. I am new here. My story began almost 4 years ago. I was diognosed with stage 3 colorectal cancer. I had the usual major surgery and my surgeon was very pleased with the outcome. He felt strongly he had gotten all of the tumor. I then underwent nearly 8 months of chemo. During chemo I worked. I am not sure why I was so crazy to work, even my oncologist strongly suggested I take a leave of absence and just deal with my treatment, but truth is, they weren't that bad. I got sick the day of the infusion a bit, but mostly tired. I didn't lost my hair, I felt OK most of the time. Just very tired. I got a lot of neuropathy in my hands and from my feet nearly to my knees. I did Acupuncture every week and within 6 month out of chemo, other then a little numbness in the balls of my feet and the ends of my toes, I was good to go.  I was feeling strong, confident and ready to take on the life I had been blessed to have. I decided I needed balance in my life and so decided to retire. I was 57 but had my time in and a decent pension, so I took the leap. Let me tell you it was the best thing I ever did. My daughter lives in England I was able to go visit often. My husband was still working, but he went with me when he had vacation time. When he didn't I traveled on my own. Then life changed again. I went in for my usual 3 months CT scan and they found a small tumor. It was only about  a 1/2 inch and luckily hadn't moved anywhere else in my body, it was just hanging out in my adbomonal wall. So, back I went for another major surgery and 6 more months of chemo. I went into it, having no clue what I was getting into. My last chemo wasn't that bad and I was retired this time, how hard could it be? Well let me tell you, it kicked my rear. There were days I couldn't get out of bed, I have never been so sick in my life, I lost my haor and there were days I wondered if it was worth it. But I got through it. I should say WE got through it, once again my husband was there every step of the way. He retired so he could be with me on my hardest days. He never failed in doing everything I needed when I needed it.

So this novel, brings me to where I sit today. I finished that last chemo in July. Since then I have been healthy and physically feel strong, my haor is back, we are traveling again, and about a month ago I climbed Diamond Head, I looked out from the top and finally felt like a survivor. For about an hour. That woudl be when I got the phone call reminding me to scheule my next CT scan, and cancer came exploding back into my life and took me down at the knees.  That is also when I decided I needed a counselor and she in turn suggested I find a good support blog so I can relate to others who are dealing with the same issues and recognize that I am not broken, I am jsut struggling.

I am terrified. Just writing those words causes me to want to sob. The first time I guess I had my rose colored glasses on and when my surgeon and oncologist said I had very good odds of never having a recurrence due to the successful surgery and the agressive chemo, I believed them. I thought I had beat the devil. Then the recurrence hit. Now I am terrified every time I have to have blood work or CT scans or even get a cold that something is wrong and it is back. I live in fear, afraid to plan more then a month out, for fear the next tests will show it has returned. I find that as I get closer to the next tests, I start looking at someone or being in a situation and thinking what if I never see this person again or what if I never get to do this again?  

My next CT scans are Monday. I am not scheduled to see my Dr for 2 weeks after that to get the results. 

I know I am not alone here. Please don't get me wrong, I am so grateful for the life I have been blessed to have since my first diognisis. I have so many people who love and care for me, but unless you have walked in the same shoes, you can sympathize but not empathyze. I guess my question is, how do you all deal with the constant ups and downs? The fear of the unknown and the waiting for test results and bracing for all the what if's? Or is this pretty much the new normal?

Thanks for letting me share. 

Mary