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My wonderful husband

Sandi1's picture
Sandi1
Posts: 277
Joined: Aug 2008

As I sit here watching my husband fight for his life; I can't help but wonder what my future holds for. I moved to the US from Canada to marry my husband. I am so scared, scared that I'm not doing the right things for my husband.  Scared of what the rest of my life holds for me. I know I can't change what is happening to my husband;  but I keep having dreams of him being well and us traveling.  I feel loke im going crazy. 

Thanks for listening tp me whine.

Sandi

fatbob2010's picture
fatbob2010
Posts: 461
Joined: May 2012

I am the one with this disease.

I have dreams such as you.  With moments of terror as I see my wife's future.  No soap-box needed.  However, I have been known to climb on one about this very subject at the drop of a hat.

Few things for me come even close to hate.  But, this disease is near the top of the list.

Hope and peace,

Art

Nana b's picture
Nana b
Posts: 3041
Joined: May 2009

My husband had a stroke after my stage 4 diagnosis.   Now I don't know who will go first. He joked that I wasn't going without him.   He has had a second stroke since. I've always, always taken good care of him and given him a great home life.   I don't know what it is to be either.  We've  been together 32 years.   I worry about me going first.

group hug

Kathleen808's picture
Kathleen808
Posts: 2319
Joined: Jan 2009

Sandi,

We are here for you to vent and share about your fears.  You have been such a supportive wife to your DH I can only imagine all that is going through your mind.  Sending you love and hoping you have peace.

Aloha,

Kathleen

 

Sending hugs to all of you!

janderson1964's picture
janderson1964
Posts: 1830
Joined: Oct 2011

Your doing the right things by being there for him and loving him.

UncleBuddy
Posts: 714
Joined: Aug 2013

It's not easy being a caregiver. We look to the future and wonder how life will change without our loved ones. I think it's human to feel this way.

You have been such a great support to your husband. Just keep doing what you're doing.

People sometimes ask me how i can do all I do. i tell them that i can lay my head on my pillow every night and know I did the best I could for dad and my brother. 

Good luck.

Lin

Cathleen Mary
Posts: 645
Joined: May 2011

Sandi, this is so hard but you can do it.  The same strength that has made you an incredible caregiver will come through at this time, too.  Be gentle with yourself.  I know easier said than done. Wish that I could offer more concrete help. Know that we are all pulling for you And care for you as well as your husband.

hugs and prayers,

CM

 

Sandi1's picture
Sandi1
Posts: 277
Joined: Aug 2008

Thank you all for your kind words.  I had to come to work today to get out of the house, i'm going crazy sitting there watching him. My sister is there and she will look after him while i am here.  My boss & his wife are so incredibly supportative to me right now - they are allowing me to come and go as i please whenever i can. Whenever my husband is having a "good" day, i come to work for a couple of hours.  I haven't had a full paycheck since the middle of March and our bank account is really showing it.  i am having to learn how to budget our money, my husband took this over a couple of years ago because i just couldn't seem to get us out of debt and the stress was way to much for me to handle. now i have to do it myself - he is unable to even talk to me about it.  Actually he barely speaks as it is and when he does it's slurred, when we ask him to repeat he gets angry and frustrated and yells it.  He told me the other day that i had to let Millie outside (Millie was our yellow lab that we put down about 3 years ago). I told him that i have taken care of Millie and that she is fine; i think he may have heard our other dogs tags jingling on her collar and he thought is was Millie.  No sense in stressing him out, i just told him that she is fine.  My little Bichon doesn't know what to do, she misses her daddy and everytime he hangs his arm off the side of the bed, she comes over, stands on her back legs and licks his hand.  She is usually very excited and can't contain herself, but she is so incredibly gentle with my husband.

Again thanks for listening

Sandi

 

angelsbaby's picture
angelsbaby
Posts: 1162
Joined: May 2008

not to many remeber angel and me but i was scared to but somehow  i made it  and so will u   we have alot of strength it comes when we need it the most

 

michelle

 

Kathleen808's picture
Kathleen808
Posts: 2319
Joined: Jan 2009

Michelle,

I continue to hold you and Angel in my heart.  Sending you love.

Aloha,

Kathleen

Lovekitties's picture
Lovekitties
Posts: 2995
Joined: Jan 2010

Dear Michelle, you and Angel remain in the minds and hearts of many.

Love,

Marie who loves kitties

Dyanclark's picture
Dyanclark
Posts: 272
Joined: Apr 2012

I sometimes wake up & can't get back to sleep because I keep asking "what if".   I know we will never be the same after seeing our loved one suffer, I think just stay close to friends & family you will need them.  

 

Kathleen808's picture
Kathleen808
Posts: 2319
Joined: Jan 2009

Sandi,

You and your dh stay in my thoughts and prayers.  You were so sweet with your answer about the dog. 

Sending you love.

Aloha,

Kathleen

Nana b's picture
Nana b
Posts: 3041
Joined: May 2009

It has to be so hard on you, and you are being very gentle.   Big hug.  

 

Praying that you keep healthy and are able take care of yourself.  

Sandi1's picture
Sandi1
Posts: 277
Joined: Aug 2008

So, my husband has been home from the Hospital under Hospice care for 2 weeks now.  They keep uping the pain meds, i know it is to make him comfortable, but i'm afraid that they are trying to speed up the process.  We still have talks (well as much as he can, he still has the problem with his vocal chord), for the most part he is coherent to what is going on around him, unless he has been asleep for a very long time, then he wakes up disoriented, but once i remind him of what day it is and what time it is - he remembers.  He also seems concerned with the time, always asking me what time is it?  The other day, i asked him if he was tired fighting, he said to me - are you tired of me fighting? i took a moment to think of the appropriate answer and then i said to him, that's not up to me honey, that is your decision.  I didn't know what else to say - i can't tell him, of course i'm tired of watching you fight, but i don't want you to stop.  that just wouldn't be right. This has to be his journey, it has to be his decisions. Not mine, not anyone else.  Yes, i love him with all my heart and i pray 4 -5 times a day for a miracle, but i can't tell him that.  Oh my god, am i making any sense? i'm so physically and mentally tired that i can't even think straight. I have no idea how i get to work each day, let alone do my work. I just feel lost and alone - even though i have a wonderful support system.  But when all is said and done and everyone goes home - i will be alone and more lost that i feel now.  That is the part i just can't even imagine handling.

Sandi

 

Akroger's picture
Akroger
Posts: 80
Joined: Mar 2013

Dearest Sandy, I know exactly what you mean. It is indeed emotionally draining and physically exhausting to stand by as the one who we could not imagine life without struggles so painfully through every day that is left to them. For you it is your husband, for me my mother. It is hideous to watch them in pain, and also hideous to imagine the unthinkable pain we will feel ourselves when their pain is finally over. I can certainly relate on not knowing how I get through every day - I literally feel like I must be mentally blacking out at points, like I'll remember getting up in the morning and having breakfast, and then getting on the bus, but how/when did I get to the office? When all your thoughts throughout the day are of them - is he (she) able to eat enough? To drink enough? Is he (she) in pain? What can I do? When will the day be over so I can attend to him (her)? And that cycle just all starts again the next day. I sincerely hope that you will receive that miracle that you are praying for. I know I am certainly hoping for one too.

Nana b's picture
Nana b
Posts: 3041
Joined: May 2009

i sent youa PM, hope you got it.  Take casre. 

Sandi1's picture
Sandi1
Posts: 277
Joined: Aug 2008

I'm sorry - i did'nt receive anything from you.

Sandi

 

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