I'm the exwife, but need help providing emotional support to both my ex and our daughter

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carsonsmom824
carsonsmom824 Member Posts: 1
in Emotional Support #1

I tried to find a forum where this would belong and I couldn't, so I hope someone here can provide me with some guidance.

My ex and I divorced 11 years ago, and we have a daughter, age 13.  The ex has metastatic lung cancer, which spread to his brain and liver.  Last August, he was given 6 months.  Ex has never remarried, doesn't have family or close friends locally, and has made me the "in case of emergency" person.  We are great at co-parenting, so it works for us.

In the last two weeks, his health has rapidly deterioriated, and I am at a loss on how to help our daughter cope with what is going on.  Ex has stopped communicating.  He refused to see daughter on Father's Day because he was confused, thinking it was Monday, he's biligerant and argumentative when he does communicate. 

I want to help him.  My current husband and I offered for Ex to move in with us so we could take care of him and Ex declined.  I've offered to take him to the doctor, help him around the house, etc., and he just won't.  He's still driving but luckily has moved to an apartment beside our local hospital, so he can be closer to his doctors.

I'm sorry if I'm rambling.  Our daughter is just completely locked down on talking about her dad.  Some people tell me I need to get her to a therapist; others tell me she is just grieving her own way.  I am just so lost.  I've never lost anyone to cancer, so I don't know what to do.

Any suggestions or advice on how to help both of them?  I want to help Ex but he won't even tell me when he goes to the doc (which he doesn't have to, I am the ex after all).  And I want our daughter to value the time she has left with him, but she's so 'angry' at him for changing (which he can't control).

I'm just so confused and lost on what to do.

Comments

  • Ladylacy
    Ladylacy Member Posts: 773 Member
    #2
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    Ex

    This certainly places you in a hard place.  Yes your daughter needs to talk to someone, maybe a minister or someone like a therapist.  Cancer is hard to deal with that's for sure.  But for a child it is harder and certainly with the changes her father is going thru.  Cancer changes people and especially when it goes to the brain.  This is something they can't help and apparently her father doesn't want her to see him like this, can't blame him really.

    My husband has been dealing with cancer for 4 years and last September he went on hospice.  His personality changes day to day although he doesn't have brain cancer, at least as far as we know.  But he is terminal and it is hard to deal with for both of us on a daily basis and for a child it would be harder.  Your daughter needs to understand that she hasn't done anything to her father but this beast is horrible and changes people in many ways.

    I think it is great on your part to want to help him.

    Wishing you and your daughter peace and comfort.

  • soul-mate
    soul-mate Member Posts: 82
    #3
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    Support

    I have to admire both of you to look at the big picture and do something about it. I would try to have a mother daughter talk and try to have a good line of communication. She needs to know that the meds and cancer are talking and reacting not the dad that she knows. Try to talk about the fun , good times she remembers with dad and tell her to cherish those memories. I hope this helps a bit as I had to deal with my grandaughter when she lost her dad. I let her open up and took it from there. I wish you the best ahead.

    SOUL-Mate

  • grandmafay
    grandmafay Member Posts: 1,633 Member
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    Help

    I would agree that it wouldn't hurt for your daughter to see a therapist. She is already grieving for the father she had since he has changed and for the life she expected to have with him there. I taught middle school at one time, and I know that she is at a tough age even without having to deal with a dying parent. Just let her know that you are there. Support her but give her space, a difficult balance. Hospice often has help for the children dealing with cancer. Give them a call to see what is available in your area. Right now, it sounds like you are doing everything right. There is only so much you can do. Fay

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