Hello

andrewjohn · May 2014

Hi everyone,

My wife was diagnosed with stage 4 colorectal cancer (met to liver) over 3 years ago. She is now 43 and I am 41 and we have a 5 year old son. My wife went through colon/liver resection surgeries and a colostomy but the cancer immediately returned to her liver. This was soon after her diagnosis.

Since, she has been on chemo and targeted drug therapy non-stop. She has been doing relatively and surprisingly well. Now she has developed resistance to her latest drug and will likely go on last resort chemo. Long story short, i understand that terrible things happen to people all the time, probably to nicer people than me and my family. And for the most part we are a happy family. But once in awhile, between brief bouts of sadness, I have so much anger. Unfortunately, the people I take my anger out on is my poor wife (when she is feeling well) and my mother who lives in Canada. I never take out my anger in violence but I will snap and yell at my wife/mother. I realize that this is ridiculous and regrettable and I would like to channel my anger towards something positive. I also have a lot of anger towards people who tell me that they will pray for us and that everything will be ok. I suppose I would be angry at a God if I believed in one. I understand that it is normal to feel anger. But could anyone advise on how they dealt with anger issues in a situation like this? I already workout whenever I can.

Obviously, the most difficult thing is thinking about our son losing his mother. And I am wondering if my anger will dissipate once my wife is in peace...

I also feel very alone in that no matter how much family and friends care about my wife and our family, they will never have to deal with the day in and day out of living with a cancer patient. Just watching your loved one suffering is excruciating. And I feel petty sometimes because I feel like I don't get the acknowledgement for being a supportive husband from my wife and her family. Everyone is focused on her (as they should be) and I feel ignored. Even writing that makes me feel petty.

I appreciate your comments in advance. I am also seeking therapy but therapy has never worked for me in the past so I am hoping this online support group will lead me in the right direction.

Trubrit · May 2014

You feel what you feel

That doesn't always make it right, but sometimes that just how it is.

The biggest thing is, that you acknowledge your feelings, and know that some of them are out of place.

Is there a support group anywhere close? Somewhere you can go and speak with other caregivers who are in the same spot as you. I've never been to one (because we don't have one here), but I have heard great things about them.

Do you ever meditate? I know, it may sound a little 'New Age', which of course it isn't, but it may sound a little freaky to some. But wow! When I was going through the chemo, and my mind was all over the place with fear, I got into meditation and it helped me no-end.

Now you have discovered this forum, you can come here to vent and also to share. After three years, you must have ammased a great deal of wonderful information that you could share with others that are just starting the journey. That in itself is theraputic.

There are many caregivers here, that will know exactly what you are going through.

Visit often, we'll help you through the rough times and smile with you through the good times.

jen2012 · May 2014

As a caregiver to my husband,

As a caregiver to my husband, diagnosed stage 4 almost 2 yrs ago, I totally get where you are coming from. The anger is the worst emotion...I hate it. I think it stems from the worry, fear and anxiety. My husband uses a motorized scooter when he goes to the store. I was with him the other day for the first time he was using it. I'm following behind him, pushing our 2 yr old in the cart, getting angry....no idea why, but I felt so angry that I know I was probably bitchy, I'm not mad at him, I'm just mad at our situation and he happened to be there. Other times when I think of the work load that falls on me and the fact that I have to do the things he used to do on top of the things i do, I find myself thinking why is this happening to me. Haha, I really am not a selfish person, and I know it's worse for him, but it doesn't stop the anger. It's a crappy situation. Personally I think you may get more "therapy" here, from those who have walked or or walking in your shoes than you will get with a real therapist. This place has been my therapy .

Chelsea71 · May 2014

My husband died 9 months ago.

My husband died 9 months ago. I was angry for the longest time, as well. It's consuming. Youre living with an unbelievable amount of stress and being angry is perfectly normal. You were very honest about your feelings. No point in sugar coating it. It's a very sucky situation........I think you'll find this forum helpful. Not many people in our day to day lives can relate to this hell. Welcome.

andrewjohn · May 2014

jen2012 said:
As a caregiver to my husband,
As a caregiver to my husband, diagnosed stage 4 almost 2 yrs ago, I totally get where you are coming from. The anger is the worst emotion...I hate it. I think it stems from the worry, fear and anxiety. My husband uses a motorized scooter when he goes to the store. I was with him the other day for the first time he was using it. I'm following behind him, pushing our 2 yr old in the cart, getting angry....no idea why, but I felt so angry that I know I was probably bitchy, I'm not mad at him, I'm just mad at our situation and he happened to be there. Other times when I think of the work load that falls on me and the fact that I have to do the things he used to do on top of the things i do, I find myself thinking why is this happening to me. Haha, I really am not a selfish person, and I know it's worse for him, but it doesn't stop the anger. It's a crappy situation. Personally I think you may get more "therapy" here, from those who have walked or or walking in your shoes than you will get with a real therapist. This place has been my therapy .

thank you

Thank you so much for your reply. It does help that you are going through similar situations and emotions though obviously unfortunate for you and your family. It is a crappy situation indeed. And like you, I ask the same question about why it is happening to me. The anger definitely stems from anxiety and panic about the future, especially of having to raise a kid on my own. And like you said, I am not angry at my partner, but angry at the whole situation.

Thank you again for your reply. It is very much appreciated.

andrewjohn · May 2014

Chelsea71 said:
My husband died 9 months ago.
My husband died 9 months ago. I was angry for the longest time, as well. It's consuming. Youre living with an unbelievable amount of stress and being angry is perfectly normal. You were very honest about your feelings. No point in sugar coating it. It's a very sucky situation........I think you'll find this forum helpful. Not many people in our day to day lives can relate to this hell. Welcome.

Thank you

Thank you for your reply. It is very much appreciated.

And i am very sorry for your loss. Here is hoping for the best for you.

I think that I will be around here often in the next few months/years.

andrewjohn · May 2014

Trubrit said:
You feel what you feel
That doesn't always make it right, but sometimes that just how it is.

The biggest thing is, that you acknowledge your feelings, and know that some of them are out of place.

Is there a support group anywhere close? Somewhere you can go and speak with other caregivers who are in the same spot as you. I've never been to one (because we don't have one here), but I have heard great things about them.

Do you ever meditate? I know, it may sound a little 'New Age', which of course it isn't, but it may sound a little freaky to some. But wow! When I was going through the chemo, and my mind was all over the place with fear, I got into meditation and it helped me no-end.

Now you have discovered this forum, you can come here to vent and also to share. After three years, you must have ammased a great deal of wonderful information that you could share with others that are just starting the journey. That in itself is theraputic.

There are many caregivers here, that will know exactly what you are going through.

Visit often, we'll help you through the rough times and smile with you through the good times.

Thank you

Thank you for your reply. It is very much appreciated.

I have been toying with the idea of meditation and perhaps I will one day do it.

Thanks again.

Lovekitties · May 2014

Hi

Welcome to a place where people "get it". Doesn't matter what "it" is if it relates to any aspect of cancer.

I have been both the patient and also a caregiver to a cancer patient, and I believe that being the caregiver is the far harder role to be in.

Anger and fear are unfortunate aspects of this role you now have. Venting in a safe place helps, so come here and vent away. There is no feeling that you can express that someone or many will not have shared in their own journey.

If you are not a fan of counseling, have you tried looking for a support group nearby where you are with others with like issues? Knowing you are not alone or being unreasonable in your feelings helps.

You say you work out, but have you tried finding a place where you can shout, curse, cry where others cannot hear? While exercise can help, the actual vocal venting can release some feelings without having any innocents in the line of fire.

The cancer journey is one day at a time. Some days are easier than others.

Wishing you and your family peace.

Marie who loves kitties

lp1964 · May 2014

Dear Friend,

I am sorry you guys have to go through this. Cancer was the first thing that made me realize that there is no fairness in life at all. It was just an illusion, that kindness, good deeds and hard work pays off. It is so hard for a man to accept that you are not able to help and protect your loved ones. This feeling just takes the life force out of you and lingers for a long time in us even after a short episode.

Regarding your emotions: anxiety and anger goes hand in hand. Low blood sugar causes the same symptoms as anxiety, so watching your sweets and your coffee helps. Sometimes taking an anti-anxiety pill like Xanax or Ativan does wonders. If you need a continuous medicine there are many.

I wish your family the best and the strength to carry on.

Laz

andrewjohn · May 2014

lp1964 said:
Dear Friend,
I am sorry you guys have to go through this. Cancer was the first thing that made me realize that there is no fairness in life at all. It was just an illusion, that kindness, good deeds and hard work pays off. It is so hard for a man to accept that you are not able to help and protect your loved ones. This feeling just takes the life force out of you and lingers for a long time in us even after a short episode.

Regarding your emotions: anxiety and anger goes hand in hand. Low blood sugar causes the same symptoms as anxiety, so watching your sweets and your coffee helps. Sometimes taking an anti-anxiety pill like Xanax or Ativan does wonders. If you need a continuous medicine there are many.

I wish your family the best and the strength to carry on.

Laz

oops

like a **** I was replying to everyone personally. Sorry I am new to this.

Thank you all for your replies. II will try out some of the suggestions.

annalexandria · May 2014

Hi there, and welcome to the forum...

it sounds to me like you have taken the most important first step, which is to acknowledge that you are struggling with this problem, and want to fix it. I would encourage you to seek out a therapist ASAP. I don't mean to sound morbid, but it's important to think about a couple of things here...if your wife is gone at some point in the future, how will you feel about the anger you have shown her? And how will your son feel about what he has seen expressed towards his mom?

As trubrit says, "feelings are feelings", and you can't help your emotions, but you can get help now to work on how you are expressing this.

It's likely that the future is going to be very challenging for you and your son, so I wouldn't put off for another second finding some help.

I would suggest looking for someone who does Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT). I know many people who have sought out this type of therapy, and I really think it's incredibly useful...very much focused on problem solving, and managing difficult emotions.

A good therapist won't judge you, he/she will simply help you get some tools to cope with what's going on, and learn how to redirect your (imo understandable) anger.

And if it was me, given that you may not have a really long time to get these skills put into place, I would also ask my doc for an anti-anxiety med, or perhaps medical mj if you live in a state that has it. I think something that would "mute" these emotions a bit may be helpful as a short-term fix.

I'm a mom of a young son, a stage 4er, and have been a caregiver as well (my sister died at the age of 44). The cancer experience sucks for everyone involved, and I'm very sorry you all have to go through this.

PS It's ok to reply to each person, in fact it's kind of nice!

Lisa2012 · May 2014

Don't be so hard on yourself

As some others have already mentioned, being a caregiver is very difficult, all of the feelings that you have mentioned are valid. My husband and I are on a similar path, but my kids are much older. I was 44 when we started this journey. I know his job as caregiver is very difficult. Please don't discount your feelings as petty. There are many here that can relate and as we all know, that makes a huge difference.

lisa

LindaK. · May 2014

Fellow Caregiver

Welcome to the site, you will find many supportive people here. We never know how a situation will be until we are in it. It sucks for patients and caregivers alike. My husband is now about 18 months into his colon cancer journey, battle, fight or whatever you'd like to call it. We have been calling it a "sh*tstorm" lately, humor helps! Don't be too disappointed in yourself, but it is a good sign you are aware of your actions and feelings. That is good you are acknowledging it. My husband has warned me about his anger, which I have never really seen much of until this cancer diagnosis. What can I do? Tell him not to be mad? No I can't. I just let him rant or rage at me if that helps. He usually realizes rather quickly when he has said mean or inappropriate things. I try very hard not to take anything too personally these days. But, I have become a mother bear when it comes to others critizing me or our choices or decisions. Who the heck is this or that person to say a darn thing about our lives? They obviously have no clue what it is like to live in Cancerville nor do I ever wish it upon anyone. You have every right to be angry, but we all have to be realistic too. We have to think ahead and plan our futures to some extent. You have a young child to think about, that's hard. You may find help for your child at school or their pediatrician. I know the Gilda's Club around my area works with children of all cancers.

All I can suggest is you think before saying things. It is hard for me to do this, but I have found thinking about things for even a few seconds will sometimes make me more compassionate. My husband hates when the health care people don't speak to him. I always direct them to him and then help him out with answers only when he asks for my help. Try a deep breath and counting to 2 or 3 if you are feeling angry before saying something hurtful. Even though you feel bad about those words, sometimes they cannot be forgotten. I have also started taking an anti-depressant which has greatly helped me carry on day to day. It might be something to think about also. Good luck

Linda

CammieS · May 2014

I'm not quite sure this will be helpful for you as we're just at the beginning of my husband's treatment.

Part of our weekly routine (before diagnosis) had been going to yoga class twice a week. When the tests first started happening and the doctor vists were one after another, we switched to restorative yoga. It's just about laying in different positions and letting your body relax. It sounds kind of silly, but there's so much stress stored in my body. After class, I actually feel like I can breathe again.

Hello

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