Apr 30, 2014 - 11:24 am
My mom was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer in 2011. It was considered to be found early and easier to treat. She's fought hard, through two different cancer treatment centers. One local and the other was Cancer Treatment Centers of America. I had only just moved to Seattle, WA 6-9 months before she was diagnosed so I stayed there. She had chemo and radiation for a year or so before we went to CTCA for a second opinion and different treatment.
Recently, a month ago, she took a serious turn for the worse. Her liver started to fail. She was jaundice. She can't walk alone, can't be alone and take care of herself. My dad was here the first two weeks after that but he had to go back to work to save his job. I had taken FMLA to come home, from a job I've held for six years. Since my dad is back to work the responsibility of caring for my mother has fallen on me. She doesn't sleep well. She's lost so much weight that she can't get comfortabe because of the lack of cushion on her joints. I either stay up until 1:30-2 am and then try to sleep until my dad leaves for work at 6am, then I'm woken up a couple hours later. Her reasons for waking me up range from needing help sitting up to needing a drink to needing bathroom or pain pills. I can't lift her alone. I have the hardest time getting her off the toilet. Getting her bathed doesn't really happen. Between me and my dad it's difficult. It hurts my heart to see her as frail as she is and I feel like I'm gonna break her.
She doesn't eat much. She'll ask me, frequently, to go get this or that. I feel like I spend most of my time at the local supermarket getting stuff she isn't even going to eat.
I miss my life in Seattle. I made the mistake of telling my family that I was thinking about moving home and now I've changed my mind. I also feel like I'd be letting my dad down if I left him alone to take care of her but I'm going cuckoo. My mom refuses to let us call hospice. She doesn't understand that they help with comfort and pain management, not necessarily death sentences.
Am I selfish for wanting my life back? For wanting my independence? I realize that I probably sound like a whiney brat but I don't know what else to do.