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New member - Jimmontana

Lovekitties's picture
Lovekitties
Posts: 2991
Joined: Jan 2010

Hi Jim, I have taken the liberty to copy your post from another thread here, so that others will see it and reply.  As always we are sorry you had need to find us, but glad you are here among patients, and caregivers who know how it really is.

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New

Why me. 

I hear you big time. I went in for a baseline colon exam Just before Christmas.  It's now the end if March. In between then and now I had 18 " of my sigmoid Colon removed. One small tumor. One lymph node out of 24 was bad. No blood traces but did a CT scann to check and found a small spot on my liver. March 11th I had my liver spot removed about the size if a baseball.  Biopsy and margins all came back clean.  So now I had a port implanted on 3/28. Chemo will start in April for the next six months every two weeks.  I'm scared as hell. And emotional puddle. My wife is supportive but has told me she is now my roomate so no affection until who knows. My kids are worried and in just taking everything day by day.  I have my faith.  

I would love advice but don't know what to do. 

 

janderson1964's picture
janderson1964
Posts: 1784
Joined: Oct 2011

Hold tight to your faith Jim. That iw what has helped me for the past 8 1/2 years. BTW you sound very similar to me. They found one spot on a scan after they found a tumor from my colonoscopy so I had to the colon resection followed by liver resection.

Trubrit's picture
Trubrit
Posts: 1635
Joined: Jan 2013

I am so sorry to hear your report, Jimmontana. And thank you LoveK for reposting it here. 

It sounds like you've already traveled a way down this road, and now on to the next step, Chemo. 

It really all sounds rather frightening at first, but you'll get into the swing of treatments, and before you know it, you'll be shocked at how normal life is. Sure, you'll probably fall foul of some side effects, everyone responds differently, and out of the many side effects you may be lucky and only have a few. 

The Port is definitely your friend. I'm glad you have one in. 

I don't think intimacy should be stopped altogether, though I understand why. I basically didn't want to be touched while going through treatment, and now I regret that terribly. There are guidelines about how long after chemo one can have intercourse. I'd say its worth looking in to, and remember, you can talk to your Oncologist about EVERYTHING. You can talk to us about everything too, if you feel inclined. 

Good luck! I hope you visit us often so that we can get to know you. 

 

annalexandria's picture
annalexandria
Posts: 2297
Joined: Oct 2011

tho I am very sorry you have to join our little family.  This is not an easy road to walk, but it does make it a touch less challenging when you do it with others who understand what you're going through.

These early days after diagnosis and surgery are quite terrifying, as I'm sure you have discovered.  No one (not even spouses) can truly understand unless they have themselves gone through it.  I do feel that the fear becomes more manageable once treatment gets underway.  At least for me, it helped because I felt that I was being proactive and fighting back against this crap.  It gave me a better sense of control, and hopefully it will do the same for you.  Being so out of control of the situation is kind of a hallmark of the cancer experience and is very hard for many of us.

I have to say (and I hope you don't mind) that I find your wife's comment pretty harsh.  You will probably need more, not less, affection and care as you go through this process.  I really hope she wasn't too serious when she said that.  Cancer is terrifying for those who love us too, and certainly people can say things they don't mean when under a lot of stress.

Pls keep us posted and let us know how you're doing once you start chemo.

Big hugs~Ann Alexandria

Jimmontana
Posts: 9
Joined: Mar 2014

Thank you for all of your comments.  

Yea my wife was serious.  And she is in the medical profession.  She knows what she is doing and it's has been very tough.  There are some back ground reasons but she feels that I need to heal myself before we can heal our relationship.  She feels no passion or excitement for me.  She lives in audio book romance world and expects more than I can give her in many ways that she feels are important to her. I hate to come on here and dump but I don't know what else to do.  I have a strong church home and a few great friends but living with someone who will stay here and put on this show. And won't kick me out because it will make her look bad.  I'm on her ins and currently can't work. I can go back to work later if the chemo doesn't kick my butt.  

Thank you all for your support.  

vangbi's picture
vangbi
Posts: 61
Joined: Jan 2014

 Please both of you get some counseling this is going to be a hard journey and you need a strong support network of friends and family. You do not need extra stress to go along with everything else. Me and my wife had some long discussions and some harsh words also her children blaming me for our finances in bad shape but she is sticking by me no matter what and told the children that if it came down to me or them it would be me. We have been married 27 yrs and had our ups and downs but have been there for each other no matter what. We will put you both in our prayers. Keep your faith and be strong no matter what.

 Oh and if you are a Veteran Go see your Veterans representive I applied for hardship and am now having Va handle my care. 

Trubrit's picture
Trubrit
Posts: 1635
Joined: Jan 2013

I am a veteran's spouse. Would I get benifits?

Jimmontana
Posts: 9
Joined: Mar 2014

So am I...

vangbi's picture
vangbi
Posts: 61
Joined: Jan 2014

You have to check with Va but as long as you were married during the time he served It mighr be possible

Trubrit's picture
Trubrit
Posts: 1635
Joined: Jan 2013

I appreciate you taking time to answer, van. I will have to look into this. 

annalexandria's picture
annalexandria
Posts: 2297
Joined: Oct 2011

if that liver tumor was cancerous, then as a stage 4 patient, you would get sort of "jumped" to the head of the line, or at least that was my experience (took about two months from start to finish to be approved).  It's not a lot of money, but it definitely helps, if you find yourself unable to work for an extended period of time.

Jimmontana
Posts: 9
Joined: Mar 2014

Really?

i can drive bus but isn't there a income or work limit?

lp1964's picture
lp1964
Posts: 902
Joined: Jun 2013

You and your recovey is first. You are still you , you just happen to have cancer. You are no less than before. I have a tremmendous respect for all the people here on this forum and all others dealing with cancer or other chronic diseases. 

This illness broke me so many ways: professionally, financially, confidencewise, but I refuse to compromise. I just got married when I was very sick already. I have a colostomy and a 14 inch scar on my belly and it isn't easy to live with these. But this is the only life I got, so I will try to make it the best. 

I wish you the best of luck with your treatment and keep us posted how it goes.

Laz

JenCo
Posts: 16
Joined: Mar 2014

Smile

JenCo
Posts: 16
Joined: Mar 2014

Hi! I am new to this website and these discussion boards also. I am not a cancer patient but my brother is. He is fighing stage 3 colon cancer. He just finished 5 weeks of chemo and radiation and is going to be having surgery very soon to remove the tumor in his colon. He will then go through more chemo treatments after his surgery. I joined to get some much needed emotional support. I find it hard sometimes to find the right person to discuss things that I am feeling about my brother's treatments and issues. I am hoping this forum will be the help I need. I also wonder about how he is really feeling and what all he is coping with. Sometimes I think he doesn't know how to relate all his feelings and concerns to me. He does vent to me often but I feel like I just don't understand his feelings as well as I wish I could. I am trying to stay as informed and strong as possible to help him with this fight. Any advice for me? I am a family member who is supportive to my brother. Strength, Hope, Courage!!!

UncleBuddy
Posts: 687
Joined: Aug 2013

I'm sorry you have to be here. It's a great place for information and support.

I'm sorry that you're dealing with marital issues while you're fighting this battle. Just stay positive and try to stay healthy.

Lin

Lisa2012's picture
Lisa2012
Posts: 142
Joined: Feb 2014

You have come to the right place.  You will find amazing support here.   Keep a positive attitude, you can do this.

lp1964's picture
lp1964
Posts: 902
Joined: Jun 2013

...staying a man. When I started radiation, chemo and surgery I told my wife to always treat me as a man not as a patient, because that is what I am in my core. When I am sick i need this feeling more than ever. even when I felt the worst I looked groomed and elegant. I needed to feel this way. Chemo makes your entire body weird, I didn't want to be touched: water, air even the shirt on my back was making me very uncomfortable. But I made a conscious effort to hold my wife's hand, hug her and kiss her as much as I can. I maintained an mental mindset that I'm still me with all my skills, knowledge and experience, I just happen to have cancer. 

I would lie if I said that this illness is not a trial for the relationship, but the couple has to try to live as normal as possible. The divorce rate is 70% for couple with cancer, but I'm not gonna let this disease take my humanity or marriage.

Laz

Jimmontana
Posts: 9
Joined: Mar 2014

I agree and appreciate all that you have said.  my issue isn't taking care of me or being fit or groomed. My wife just won't touch me or allow me to touch her in any manner.  Our conversation is now more business like or schedules or who's doing what for the kids.  I know she emails, texts and talks with another guy and they used to be friends but now they are much more than friends. I told my oncologist dr and main nurse that I don't expect her support and  to plan accordingly. 

I do have a question regarding sex.  Not that I expect to have sex but I am not clear on this.  Chemo drugs make my semen "toxic"? So that I shouldn't allow myself to engage in oral or regular intercourse because the seamen could be harmful to my partner? Can anyone clarify this for me?

thanks. 

Trubrit's picture
Trubrit
Posts: 1635
Joined: Jan 2013

I know others here will have more information, but I remember hearing that semen becomes toxic which makes total sense. 

Its a little different for women patients. The chemo is still in the body and I was told to wait at leat two day after chemo to have sex. I've waited 15 months instead. 

I am SO SO SO with Laz ( Chemo makes your entire body weird, I didn't want to be touched: water, air even the shirt on my back was making me very uncomfortable). I was so sensitive to wearing anything tight. I quit underwear alltogether, I felt so trapped. (I did enoy a bath though) It really was weird.

I am very sorry to hear abuot your relationship with your wife. People can be so cruel. 

You have a group of freinds here who can lift and support. I know its not the same as having someone by your side, but we will help in every way cyber life makes possible. 

Blessings!

Lovekitties's picture
Lovekitties
Posts: 2991
Joined: Jan 2010

You don't say, but it sounds as if your relationship with your wife was not on good ground before your diagnosis, and perhaps she is using it as a means to justify her actions.

While I will not advocate for divorce, I hope that you are able to get emotional and medical support from others.  Friendships and compationate care from members of both sexes is important, particularly now.

How old are your children and how are they handling all this?  It is tough enough having a parent with cancer without adding in all the family diacord. 

I hope that you can find some solution to your situation so that you can live in an emotionally friendly environment.

My best thoughts for you,

Marie who loves kitties

 

annalexandria's picture
annalexandria
Posts: 2297
Joined: Oct 2011

As a female patient, I was given no restrictions, and I know that a friend who had chemo for prostate cancer recently was able to get back to regular relations with his wife fairly quickly after treatment, but I don't know if it was ok during treatment.  Definitely a question for the experts.

PS   any chance your wife would go to counseling with you?  I don't know what you feel about this situation, but it sounds like a marriage on the brink, and that something very proactive needs to be done to help get you both to a healthier place.

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