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My heart is breaking....

rls67
Posts: 127
Joined: Nov 2012

After receiving good knews last night, I heard the worst possible news possible. The blockage is not going away. The Dr does not think it will. They sent a pallative care/ hospice person to talk with me. I was told if the blockage doesn't change, she has about 2 weeks left. If it does by some miracle becomes unblocked, they give her 2 months. I am so heartbroken over this. I don't know how to tell my kids. 

Phil64's picture
Phil64
Posts: 432
Joined: Apr 2012

My heart breaks for you.

Is a second oppinion possible? Are there any other treatments?

I pray that you will all be filled with Love during this very difficult time. And that you will bond together as a family and cherish eachother always.

Peace be with you!

Philip

LindaK.
Posts: 312
Joined: Apr 2013

I'm so sorry you are going through this.  As Phil said, I hope you can find some peace for yourself, your wife and your children.  After a terrible 17 day in the hospital, I have learned to trust no one on the staff.  Did your wife's oncologist tell you this latest news?  I would only believe them.  We had so many miscommunications, my poor husband suffered needlessly approximately 5 days longer than necessary.  His blockage they said would correct itself, was in fact, a large tumor which hadn't shown on 3 ct scans he's had over the past 6 months.  He needed surgery desperately.  The surgeon even said "He would have been in bad shape if we had waited any longer" no thanks to the darn hospital residents who did nothing for him for 8 days.

Do whatever you need to do to ease your mind and your wife's mind.  When I was afraid to tell our daughter some bad news, she in fact lifted my spirits.  Don't hold back news from your children, they need to be involved in everything now.

Linda

UncleBuddy
Posts: 574
Joined: Aug 2013

I agree, maybe a 2nd opinion is a wise choice. At least this will alleviate any doubt you may have. Telling your children all depends on their ages. Maybe you should talk to the hospice person about that. They may be able to connect you with someone who can guide you in that area. I will keep you all in my prayers.

Lin

janderson1964's picture
janderson1964
Posts: 1562
Joined: Oct 2011

I am so sorry for the terrible roller coaster ride you have been on the past few days. Unfortunately what you are experiencing isnt as uncommon as we would think. Please get a second or third opinion. I cant believe they wont operate on her.

fatbob2010's picture
fatbob2010
Posts: 384
Joined: May 2012

Sadly you are at the point that most all dread.  All I can offer is thoughts of peace and comfort to you and your family.  Not sure there is a good way to tell the family this most horrific news. I have been told that sometimes the hospice team can help with this.  Peace, Art

devotion10's picture
devotion10
Posts: 642
Joined: Jan 2010

It is so sad when our loved one’s enter the final stages of their advanced cancer journey … just so *#@! sad.  I know how your heart is breaking. 

I do not know the ages of your children, but it seems to me that perhaps a discussion is needed about the reality of the situation.  If they are young, gosh I just don’t know, but if they are older perhaps they have the right to understand.  It seems this cannot happen though until you can reach an understanding and acceptance of the reality of the situation, as the children will likely take their cues from you as to how they handle the situation.  The hospital should have a social worker that can advise you, really seek help on this.

You have shared before that you have been told that your wife’s advanced cancer is not curative.  So you do understand that all efforts at this point in her cancer journey are palliative. The goals of her palliative treatment being symptom management, quality of life, and dignity of death.

Palliatively, the doctors are taking the first step of her symptom management.  The ascitic drainage is being performed to reduce her respiratory and abdominal discomfort.  And you have noticed that this can have good symptomatic response.

So the question becomes what to do with her bowel obstruction in the setting of her advanced cancer …

A surgeon may indeed offer you various options, as this is what surgeons do. Guidelines for surgery do exist and morally speaking, I think this is a good thing, as it seems rather cruel to subject a dying patient to endless treatments when it will neither improve nor increase their life.  Your doctors will advise you if palliative surgery is possible … and hopefully they will be honest about the negative aspects of such as well.

You and your wife might be faced with the question as to whether she wishes to seek/endure the high risk of surgical mortality, postoperative morbidity and no improvement in her overall survival … or does she wish to continue conservative management, decline surgery, and spend time with family and friends at home if her symptoms can be controlled effectively.

As her caregiver, I know you want to hold on to her desperately.  Is your wife well enough to understand her condition at present so that she can make informed choices or are you now operating as her medical advocate?

Having been through the experience of death with my husband, I urge you to be realistic and try to make however much time she has left as peaceful and dignified as possible.  Gather every bit of strength you have to.  My heart goes out to you.

Peace. ~ Cynthia

 

 

Cathleen Mary
Posts: 556
Joined: May 2011

I am so sorry that you and your family are going through this. I join others in suggesting a second opinion. As we have seen on this board, there are different ways to approach the same issue in cancer treatment today. If nothing else, you may feel you have covered all of the bases. 

You and your children need each other during this time. Know that we on this board want to offer any ounce of support we can. Sending you prayers for strength and peace.

CM

Trubrit's picture
Trubrit
Posts: 1400
Joined: Jan 2013

And you last post seemed to offer encouragment.

How does one accept that someone they love is going to pass? I read Devotion's post, she is so full of wisdom, I hope her words help you.

All I can do is pray. Pray for your wife, yourself and your children. 

You are truly in my thoughts today. 

here4lfe
Posts: 294
Joined: Jan 2010

My wife died 6 days after we got the 2 weeks to 2 months prognosis.

Do all you can now to get your wife's wishes. We brought in everyone who wanted to spend a moment with her, and they really appreciated having a final moment to say good bye to a wonderful woman who was a friend to all.

I know how hard this is for you. Please know that you did all you could. There are some who will want to start the mad rush for a last-minute rescue treatment. This is the time for calmness as she transitions to her next phase of her existence.

Mark

Chelsea71
Posts: 1170
Joined: Sep 2012

So many ups and downs throughout the fight.  All it takes is a doctor walking into the room with bad news to change everything.  

You are going to have dig down pretty deep within yourself to get through these next weeks.  It's going to be really hard but you will do it.  You have no choice.  Focus on your wife's comfort and try to keep her as calm and happy as possible.  Try not to seem too upset around her. Assure her that she has nothing to worry about. Show her that you are strong and that you can handle whatever is thrown your way.  Remember, this is all probably much harder on you and the kids than it is for her.  Just get through each moment.  

I am so freaking sorry for you, your wife and the kids.  It might be for the best that she not linger on too long.  It sounds like her quality of life is quite poor.  It's no way for her or for you to live.  I wish so much that she could get better, but if it's not possible, I do hope this next transition is as smooth and peaceful as possible.

Please keep us updated and make sure you seek us out anytime you moral emotional support.  

annalexandria's picture
annalexandria
Posts: 2193
Joined: Oct 2011

and your kids.  This is just so f-ing unfair.

My sister died at 43, leaving behind her husband and 13 year old son.  It was terribly hard for them, and for all of us.  Her son did not realize she was dying until the very end.  They chose not to share that information with him, and when it comes to making that decision, I don't think there is any one right way to do it.  The only thing I will say is that I think grief shared can be a tiny bit easier to bear than struggling through grief alone. Can your wife tell you at this point what she wants?  She may want to be able to say good-bye to them...which is the most heart-breaking thing I can imagine for a mom and her kids.  I am so, so sorry this is happening.  Oh my gosh.

The only thing my sister wanted was to live long enough to see her son open his Xmas presents, which he did, a few days early, and then she slipped into a coma, and died very peacefully not long after.  We were all there with her at home, and her hospice nurse was able to help us to understand what was happening, so we were able to surround her with love as she moved on to the next phase of this journey that we all take.

This will probably be the hardest thing you will ever have to do, and all you can do is bear down and make your way through it as best you can.

And we will be here to help you through it as best we can.

love~AA

rls67
Posts: 127
Joined: Nov 2012

I am sorry I can't say anymore at this time. My heart hurts to much right now.

marbleotis's picture
marbleotis
Posts: 483
Joined: Mar 2012

I wish I could reach through the internet and lessen your pain.  Please just be there for your wife, she is probably more afraid now then ever. 

LivinginNH's picture
LivinginNH
Posts: 1287
Joined: Apr 2010

 

I am so sorry...  May you find moments of peace and love together during this most difficult time.

Stay strong,

Cynthia

jen2012
Posts: 1195
Joined: Aug 2012

So very sorry :(

Meowycat
Posts: 55
Joined: May 2013

I just read your post and it has brought me to tears. This disease is so unfair. I will be praying for you , your wife and children. As you have been, continue to be a rock of hope and love to your wife. You will be her light in a time of darkness. The most important thing is that she will be comfortable and feel your love.

I'm sending you strength.

 

Nellie

 

thingy45's picture
thingy45
Posts: 575
Joined: Apr 2011

So very sorry.  I can only wish you strength and the knowledge that we are here for you.

peace my friend, 

Nana b's picture
Nana b
Posts: 2839
Joined: May 2009

Ditto...  So may great words here.   It will be hard to put one foot in front of the other, just know that we have you in our thoughts and prayers. 

 

Raquel 

Kathleen808's picture
Kathleen808
Posts: 2299
Joined: Jan 2009

I am very sorry your family is in the midst of this very hard situation.  My husband had what they thought was an obstruction when he entered the hospital in severe pain on november 1, 2013.  That was a Friday.  They had him on heavy pain meds throughout that weekend as they waited for the "blockage" to clear.  On Monday, they decided on surgery.  Before the surgery they said they did not know if the blockage was food, a twist, cancer.....  they said the truth was the scans could only show that nothing was going through.  When the surgeon went in orthoscopically, he saw what he considered the best case.  The ligament that attaches from the belly botton to the liver (which is part of the umbilical cord when in utero) had hung up some small bowel and the small bowel was twisted around it.  The surgeon clipped the ligament and the small bowel bounced back.  Then, another 14 days until they saw it was working.

The reaon I share this long story is because they really can't tell what is causing the blockage until they get in there.   My thoughts and prayers are with you and your entire family.  I pray you all get some peace and some good time together.

 

Aloha,

Kathleen

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