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In Denial

ravenravr's picture
ravenravr
Posts: 1
Joined: Jan 2014

Sadly, this is so true of my life in this last year.

My husband was diagnosed with Espphageal Cancer stage 4... which has metastased a year ago this last December. Through this, we went through shock, dismay, anger, tears, and then positive energies.

The denial came when we felt our love could beat this! It came when for 5 minutes my husband was given a clean bill of health, but to make sure, let us do one more MRI. The oncology dept. had even given him a certificate! So, after the MRI, it was shown that the cancer moved from his throat to his liver. This was in July. In late August, he began chemo yet again.

This went on until December when it was discovered that the cancer was not only still there but had multiplied. Then it was decided that rather than surgery, we would opt for RFA, which is radiofrequency ablation. Although there was some residual pain after this procedure, we felt it went well. Lo and behold, after another MRI, it was discovered that small satelitte tumors had increased in size and another RFA was needed (using different fluids and pressures), and we agreed to this. So, in one months time, my husband went through 2 procedures, and now will under go another round of chemo starting next Monday.

He is the kindest and most loving of men... We have only been together for 4 years although we knew each other when we were 16 years old. After 32 years of a previous marriage, being with my husband now was a no brainer. I am now only wanting to keep him alive and happy. 

My denial has been to my own life and also that of my husbands. I couldn't imagine we wouldn't fix this. Well, now it is dusting off the grass and handling life the way grownups are supposed to (I am 53 now), and that means getting all of our ducks in a row. We are now applying for SSI and apparently there is a 'compassion allowance clause'...and I aim to use this.

I have seldom cried let alone let my husband see my tears, although figuring out how to pay rent or put food on the table is always a dilema, but as long as he breathes and can look at me with love, I am happy for each day.

Thank you for letting me share.

RACool

 

 

 

 

 

mrkenney
Posts: 12
Joined: Nov 2013

Raven,

I turn 53 in a few more weeks and was diagnosed stage IV esophageal cancer with mets to the liver at the end of last June. By God's mercy my cancer is being kept in check right now. Unfortunately I've done enough reading to know esophageal cancer ususally wins out in the end so I put all my ducks in a row last Fall. I'm taking things as best as I can but always being a planner it's hard to slow down and take one day at a time.

I wonder how much my own wife is in denial since I'm doing so well right now. I know in her own ways she's making sure she has things in place. I catch her doing little things around the house that she would normally ask me to do and I know she's doing them to see if she can. If it's something that she doesn't know how to do she's asking me more often to not only explain how to do it but show her. But other than that she doesn't really want to talk about the cancer at least not in terms of how it will most likely shorten my life.

I really think our care givers are left out of the equation too often when it comes too cancer. I thank God that my wife has a very good friend who she's known for over 20 years. I know that when the worst comes her friend will be there to support her in any way that's needed. We're also very involved in our church and so we both have a huge resource there. I'm currently surrounded by a group of older breast cancer survivors that I refer to as my cheer leading squad and when the time comes I know they'll surround my wife with the same loving concern that they've surrounded me with these last 6 months.

I personally say, let your husband see you cry. Be real with each other. Allow him to comfort you as much as he can. I know when I was going through the worst of it with my initial chemo, there wasn't much I could do, but hold on to my wife and let her know how much I love her. Let your husband do the same for you. I know you want to be strong for him - let him also be strong for you. But most of all take each day and fill it with all the love that you can.

Please don't be a stranger. Vent all you want. There are a lot of ears here who are all too familiar with the pain and suffering you are going through.

Peace, Mike

Normo99
Posts: 1
Joined: Mar 2014

I can only say I am so sorry.

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