Jan 18, 2014 - 12:22 am
My mother passed away a week ago after a 3-year battle with ovarian cancer. She finished out her last days at home, and for her last two days, I was her primary caregiver, doing things I never imaged I would be doing for my mother. I don't think that the reality has set in with me that she's really gone...and I don't know if I'm handling things properly. I think my grieving process started when we heard the initial diagnosis. And then again when things escalated and we knew she only had days left. Now she's gone and I feel overwhelmingly numb most of the time. People keep asking me how I feel and I can tell they expect me to be crying and devastated and I don't know how to tell them that I don't feel anything most of the time until something so unpredictably random will hurt my heart...like realizing that I will never actually hear her voice again, and then mentally going through a list of electronic devices that she may have left a message on to see if I can drum up anything at all with her voice. And then realizing that obviously I can just call her cell phone and listen to her voicemail message, but then being irrationally afraid of doing so. I'm "normal" most of the time and then just have these random moments that devastate me. I am certainly not going through the "typical" grieving process, but I guess I am just wondering if that's because I had so much advanced warning that it was coming? I'm feeling really lost.