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Why didn't I

confused902
Posts: 11
Joined: Sep 2012

My husband had battled cancer for 8 years. We had our ups and downs and at times I didn't think our marriage would survive. But it did. On December 12 2013 the doctors said thats it no more treatment. Docs said he had 6 months, 17 days later my husband died. 6 days before he died he was driving going to his favorite restaurant with this best friend. He kicked my ass in Wii bowling on Xmas. 2 days later he couldn't pick himself up from the couch. By saturday he was in a hospital bed in our living room. On Sunday at 4:50pm he took his last breathe.  The 2 days leading up to him dying I was by his side and cared for him completely. I don't know if I knew on Sunday morning that he was dying or not. It seemed in my mind we had 6 months still. While he was still coherent I told him I loved him and he told me he loved me but it never registered that I should say all the things I thought I had time to say. By the time I thought about it he didn't or couldn't understand what I was saying. I held his hand when my best friend took his last breathe and I never knew how much it could hurt. Never could I have imagined that 4 days after Christmas I would lose him. Now I am left with an emptiness that can't even be described. I have no friends. I have my work and I had him thats it.

No matter how much time the doctors tell you make sure you say and prepare for everything. When my husband died the hospice facility was in shock. Pretty crazy when you shock hospice....people who deal with this everyday. The pastor thought he would meet my husband over months he got to meet him once.

Cherish the time you have and say the things you should.

I miss my best friend.   Every day Every minute.

grandmafay's picture
grandmafay
Posts: 1610
Joined: Aug 2009

I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my husband four years ago following a six year battle with colon cancer. Those first few day, weeks and even months and years are so very hard. Four years out, I still have some difficult times, but for me time has helped. One thing I will say is that there is never enough time, and I don't think we are ever ready. Give yourself time to grieve. Sometimes, you will need to just take it a day, hour, or even a minute at a time. I remember days when I just put one foot in front of another. There was even a three day period when I holed up in my house and ate nothing but vinegar potato chips and jelly beans. I really don't recommend that. check with hospice to see if they have grief counselors or grief groups. They can be very helpful. Now is the time to take care of you. Know that you are not alone. Many here have experience the loss of a spouse. my thoughts are with you. Fay

mr steve
Posts: 286
Joined: Sep 2009

You will be second guessing yourself for years to come. Just try and make it day by day and with luck you will get thru this. Hospice is very helpful, you might give them a call. You have a brand new "normal" to get used to. I was lost in life for quite some time after losing my wife. I hope this helps but a lot of us have lost our loved ones, and it helps us to help you.

confused902
Posts: 11
Joined: Sep 2012

Mr Steve & Grandmafay,

Thank you. I am forced to go to work and try to be normal when all I want to do is stay in bed. All I do is wait for 2;30pm everyday so I can put the fake face away and be me. The depressed lonely person who comes home to an empty house with 2 cats that act like nothing has happened. I'm taking a day at a time but its not easy. One day I hope to be writing as a survivor of all this but right now I just don't see it.

I appreciate all the support.

Lisa

sharpy102's picture
sharpy102
Posts: 334
Joined: Apr 2009

Hi Lisa:

Don't be so down. Think of him how he would want to see you. He still sees you up there, you know. His body sure left, so you don't see him, but you'll find him again. He'll never leave you! He'll be giving you advices, he'll be watching you how you cook, or chit-chat with your furry little cats, or if you have a garden how you'll make your garden all beautiful. Indeed, if you have a garden why don't you buy a beautiful rose this coming Spring and plant it for him. He'll be sooooooooooooooooo delighted! He'll be so happy to see that you planted a rose for him! Do everything that you know would make him happy! Talk to him! I know it's not the same as your situation, but I have my Mom's ashes, and I talk to her all the time! When I can get out for a bike ride (I'm in foster system) I take Mom along to let her see the pretty flowers, enjoy the sun shine. Then at night, she is my cuddly bear and I hug her and sleep with her. To me it is very comforting to know and feel that she has not left me. I would say you could do similar things. If you don't have his ashes that doesn't mean you cannot be with him. You clean the house, prepare a food he likes, set the table for two- you know, in case he decided to come down for a quick dinner. But talk to him, email him! Update him on your life, or what is going on in the city where you guys live, or what plans do you have to change in the house, or in the garden. You don't have to isolate him from yourself just because his body is gone. His awesome soul is all around you and he is waiting for you to realize that! And he'll be so happy once you find him again! So, don't lose sight of him thinking he died, he is no more. That is not true!

Be strong!!!

joey_b
Posts: 4
Joined: Jan 2014

I miss my best friend.   Every day Every minute.

I can really relate to that, since, I too recently lost my husband to cancer.... 4 months ago.... just 5 weeks after diagnosis. I, too, feel there were things we didn't get to talk about. A friend who's been thru a lot of loss suggested I make a memory box. I write down my thoughts I wish we'd shared as though we're talking, describe my strong emotional triggers, copy and save meaningful quotes I read in my grief support books and websites. Like a journal.   After we scattered my husband's ashes, I kept the sturdy plastic box and drawstring velvet bag; I'm using this as my memory box, it's filling up and one day when I feel strong enough, I'll read thru them all, maybe make some sort of book. Or maybe not.

 

 

 

 

confused902
Posts: 11
Joined: Sep 2012

Thank you to all that wrote.  I have not checked in here lately I guess because I was trying to make it day to day. I still miss my husband every day and every night. I speak to him daily and there are days that I find it amazing that I made it through.  There are days I feel guilty for not letting it consume me.  I am still alone in the whole process. I guess if I had friends to do things with it might make my days easier.  I spent so many years working and caring for my husband my friends all disappeared.  I'm still taking one day at a time though and praying my husband is happy in heaven. I pray he is watching over me.

Thanks again,

Lisa

ktlcs's picture
ktlcs
Posts: 360
Joined: Jan 2010

My husband's struggle with this disease lasted only 9 months, however he had been wheelchair bound for 9 years due to a massive stroke he had at 41! I was his sole caregiver, while working full time. In late June he was told all his tests were clear, including PET scan.  CEA was normal, liver functions, everything. We took 1 week off from chemo for the 4th of July week.  He was feeling great 1 week later he had sever back pain and was admitted to the hospital.  that was a Monday, by Friday they called in hospice, he passed that night.  Why did I put so much effort into my career?, why didn't I spend more time at home then working? Why didn't I tell him I loved him more often.  Why did I lose my patience about little things?  And most importatnly why didn't I recognize that something was wrong earlier?  We will always be left with why's.  There is no answer.  Just know that you did nothing wrong. He did nothing wrong..it's this horrible disease!

 

grandmafay's picture
grandmafay
Posts: 1610
Joined: Aug 2009

We all experience the woulda, coulda, shouldas to some extent. It's not always easy to remember that we did the best we could at the time, but we did. Just keep reminding yourself of that. Take care, Fay 

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