Dec 03, 2013 - 3:07 am
Life got really tough. Those who read my earlier posts and responded and consoled me, thank you! I believe in my latest post I updated you all that after the 10 days of the ICU and the month hospitalization (due to C-diff which lead to sepsis) at our local hospital my mom was diagnosed with a second cancer of adenocarcinoma type. As you may recall we rushed her to City of Hope and after some workup they could not find the origin and called it CUP (cancer of unknown primary). They suggested no second cycle of REPOCH as it wouldn't address the adenocarcinoma and was too strong...a combined chemo to keep the large b-cell and that new cancer at bay was cooked up, this other chemo which I believe was sort of like R-CVP caused the SAME agony! the C diff came back, it lead to sepsis, despite our plea at City of Hope to take preventive measures they didn't and hence she ended up at their ICU again. There they poorly mananged the fluid they gave her and it lead to what they believed was heart failure. Her lungs were overloaded with fluids too. We had to make decisions like whether we should have her be DNR or not. Those were the WORST days of my life. I thought our days at the local hospital was bad, I was wrong! Things were much tougher at City of Hope. We spent another month there with major heart issues that came about also. My poor mother suffered so much and we along with her. Each one of us lost 10 lbs in those 2 months! My dad went through some depression and we had to worry about him too. We got ourselves ready to say good bye to my mom, many times. But, she hung on. Even so, they told us to take her to hospice care as no chemo is further recommended. We as a family had agreed anyway that we would not do any more chemo. My mom's mind and body couldn't take it anymore. So as soon as she got somewhat stable they told us to sign up with hospice and sent us home. We decided we would try palliative care first (perhaps we are in denial) and then transition into hospice. Things are okay now. Each night I go to sleep with fear and the next day I fear what will happen that day. We keep thinking... "when will things act up?" We've all taken off work and spend every second together. We eat breakfast, lunch and dinner together. We try to do fun things. We give my mom 100% attention. My mom has now been home for a month and she says she feels human again and has loved being home after about 3 months of misery in hospitals. But, we all fear that time is running out. I had a hard time logging on right now and talking about all of this. I have been pushing away thoughts from a month ago. I never thought I would be able to have another meal with my mom or hug her standing up. But, God saw us worthy of it. Now we just continue to pray really hard that He see us worthy of more stable time with her. I pray that all the suffering may be done, I pray that when it is time for her to go, that he will take her peacefully and does not give her any more suffering. Please keep my family in your prayers. My mom is our world, she is the reason life is worth living to us...she has three daughters and a husband who would be nothing without her.