CSN Login
Members Online: 5

Help! Caregiver Mom Wants To Die

tbirkinbine
Posts: 1
Joined: Nov 2013

I need some help.  This is my first time on the forum.  My dad has advanced kidney cancer and was placed on hospice this past Tuesday.  My mom is so distraught at the thought of losing him that she is now in hysterics and is saying she wants to die.  I am an hour away, so I'm not far, but just far enough that I can't jump right over there.  I have placed a call to hospice and they are going to send a social worker over to talk to her.  I just need some support or guidance from someone who understands or has been there.

Ladylacy
Posts: 515
Joined: Apr 2012

Your mother is stressed out.  Dealing with a loved one with cancer is not the easiest thing to do.  I know I have been dealing with my husband and his cancer for 4 years.  It is very stressful and your mother needs to take something or talk with someone.  But if she is already talking about dying, then medication might not be a good idea.  Talking with someone about how she feels would be a better solution right now.  My husband is on hospice too and thankfully he is not doing too bad at this point.  For me some days are horrible and others are good.  It is hard to watch our loved ones go thru this and to know that we will be alone in the near future.  Then too, our loved ones can make it hard on us too.  Their moods change minute to minute and some tend to blame the caregiver and can be mean to their caregiver but when others are around they are a different person.  Check and see if there are any support groups nearby for your mother.  Sometimes friends tend to stay away because they don't know how to deal with someone they know dying. 

When you don't live close enough to just drop in you don't really know what is going on. 

 

grandmafay's picture
grandmafay
Posts: 1625
Joined: Aug 2009

As a surviving caregiver (lost my husband 4 years ago after a 6 year battle with cancer), I can tell your that losing your spouse is one of our greatest fears. When the reality of hospice hits us, we know that fear is just around the corner. One thing I had going for me was that I knew my husband was worried about me so I told him often that I was a strong, independent woman and I would be just fine. Slowly but surely, I am becoming that women, too. It is hard to imagine how we will go on when the person we were supposed to grow old with is going to die. like many others here have said, I would have traded places with my husband if it was possible. Dying seemed easier than living alone. Plus, as a caregiver we have a purpose. As a wife we have an identity as part of a couple. Losing our other half was never in our plans. Our norm is no longer our norm. I'm glad you called hospice for help. Let her know of your concern, and follow up with regular phone calls. Committing to hospice is hard. Some see it as giving up. Some feel totally helpless. It is the beginning of the end. You sign papers committing to let the person you love die. The grieving process has already begun. give both your parents as much support as you can, and allow yourself to grieve, too. Take care, Fay

Subscribe with RSS
About Cancer Society

The content on this site is for informational purposes only. It is not a substitute for professional medical advice. Do not use this information to diagnose or treat a health problem or disease without consulting with a qualified healthcare provider. Please consult your healthcare provider with any questions or concerns you may have regarding your condition. Use of this online service is subject to the disclaimer and the terms and conditions.

Copyright 2000-2014 © Cancer Survivors Network