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Some-many days just suck

MommyNonna's picture
MommyNonna
Posts: 2
Joined: Nov 2013

It will be 1 year in December and I still have horrendous days. Moody, sad, angry.....she just shouldn't be dead. How did they not see until it was too late. I pushed so hard even with her and she still died. God some days just suck. I wonder if my daughter is what keeps me going, cause really if my husband and her didn't keep me moving I would sink deep. Some times when I drive in the cemetery I can see myself speeding and crashing. I could live there. I slept with her after she passed in the hospital. Holding on to her legs and feet. I didn't want to disturb her body. I would never have let go if it wasn't that I had to be strong for my brother and father. All I wanted to do was scream. I wanted to rip the hospital to pieces and he oncologist and radiologist for messing up so bad. As much as I have faith and trust in Gods will I am still angry. I am angry that no matter how much I argued and advocated it didn't do enough. I am so sorry to her that she died. I tell her I am sorry you died all the time. She may be at peace and I truly believe she is! she always told me I have no regrets! I am at peace and can leave any time (over the many years).  But you'd think 16 years in remission we a good sign....it was her death sentence, no one treated her as possibly having cancer again.  And when I got the eerie feeling in August that it could have spread to the bone from the breast, she said to me "don't call it, why are you calling it".... I wasn't, I just wanted her to push harder, not be the nice woman she was. It gets you nowhere. Be the squeaky wheel.  So I was her voice and damn did things move, sadly too late. To hear the doctor and nurse come to apologize to my mom saying sorry that someone had shortened her life because they missed the mark, was probably the worse thing ever. And rather her life expectancy to go from 3-8 years to day by day...tragic.

I am everything from sad to mad. 

 

Some me days just suck. 

 

grandmafay's picture
grandmafay
Posts: 1612
Joined: Aug 2009

Some days are just plain hard. On October 20, I had a bad day. It was one month since my mom had passed and four years since I lost my husband. Those milestones, the special days like holidays and birthday, they can be really difficult. Yes, even four years out, some days suck. A year may seem like a long time in today's American culture, but it really isn't. If you feel like you are stuck in your grief, though, you might want to seek out a grief counselor or a grief group. It won't make the grief go away. Nothing can do that, but it might help you cope better. Take care of yourself now. fay

sharpy102's picture
sharpy102
Posts: 338
Joined: Apr 2009

You know, even though you wrote very sad things, you did make me smile. Why? Because of the love you had for her....how you slept with her. I did too. The first thing I did when my Mom left I kicked off my shoes and crawled next to her and told her "let's sleep". I held her hands and just wouldn't move, and would just tell her over and over "let's sleep". My Mom at the time told me that she wants to be cremated, but I decide what to do with her ashes. I told her at the time that I cannot bury her in the cemetary. I cannot leave her outside being cold over the winter, and being hot over the summer. I knew once I would grow up I would get busy, I would not be able to go every single day to the cemetary and I could just not imagine myself "neglecting" her that way. So I kept her ashes. And even as I'm sitting here typing to you, she is sitting right here next to me. I wrapped her urn into her favorite nightgown, and top of it her winter kerchief so that she is not cold. :) I sleep with her every night and even in the middle of the nights I awake and I would check on her if she's covered, to make sure she is not cold. I would sometimes hug her, so I can feel her. Even if I turn my back to her for a short time as I'm turning on my side, I would literally tell her I'll turn, but I'd like to her to be clsoe so I can feel her with my back. Such a good feeling! :) And when I can get a bike ride at the weekend, I would put her in my backpack and she would come along. :) I told her at the time that I'll never leave her alone, and she won't be bored. :) So, I say, do everything in a way that would make your Mom happy. Show her that you love her so much you want her to be happy and smile at you. She doesn't want to see you being so miserable. You don't want her be guilty...she's way more loveable than that! And just pay close attention in silence....she'll whisper to you. She'll give you messages. My Mom told me she will and this is true, she does give me messages. If your mom had an email address, email her! I email her all the time!!!! I update her every often telling her what I have been doing lately. Don't forget, you don't see her physically but if you let her in your life, she'll be always with you! I wish you the best!!! Hang in there! And I'll tell my Mom to look for your Mom up there, and have a big cooking party up there! :)

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