Nov 03, 2013 - 1:51 am
It will be 1 year in December and I still have horrendous days. Moody, sad, angry.....she just shouldn't be dead. How did they not see until it was too late. I pushed so hard even with her and she still died. God some days just suck. I wonder if my daughter is what keeps me going, cause really if my husband and her didn't keep me moving I would sink deep. Some times when I drive in the cemetery I can see myself speeding and crashing. I could live there. I slept with her after she passed in the hospital. Holding on to her legs and feet. I didn't want to disturb her body. I would never have let go if it wasn't that I had to be strong for my brother and father. All I wanted to do was scream. I wanted to rip the hospital to pieces and he oncologist and radiologist for messing up so bad. As much as I have faith and trust in Gods will I am still angry. I am angry that no matter how much I argued and advocated it didn't do enough. I am so sorry to her that she died. I tell her I am sorry you died all the time. She may be at peace and I truly believe she is! she always told me I have no regrets! I am at peace and can leave any time (over the many years). But you'd think 16 years in remission we a good sign....it was her death sentence, no one treated her as possibly having cancer again. And when I got the eerie feeling in August that it could have spread to the bone from the breast, she said to me "don't call it, why are you calling it".... I wasn't, I just wanted her to push harder, not be the nice woman she was. It gets you nowhere. Be the squeaky wheel. So I was her voice and damn did things move, sadly too late. To hear the doctor and nurse come to apologize to my mom saying sorry that someone had shortened her life because they missed the mark, was probably the worse thing ever. And rather her life expectancy to go from 3-8 years to day by day...tragic.
I am everything from sad to mad.
Some me days just suck.