Grieving My Father's Death Due To Cancer And Hating My Life And Mum
Since My Dad Died Of Cancer My Mum Is Making My Life A Living Hell So basically, my father died of cancer 6 months ago on the 16th of April. Up until January of 2013 he was in fine shape. Then suddenly, out of nowhere, we went to the hospital just for a normal check up and the doctors decided to keep him there for observation. After a couple of days, they gave us the news that he had cancer, and that it was so aggressive and that it spread so much, that he was going to die. Straight and plain in your face "Your father/husband is going to die". BOOM!
Fast forward just 2 months and 3 weeks later, and I was sleeping at hospital with my father, basically waiting for him to die. That last night was the worst. I remember each second like it was happening now. Him in a coma, all bloated up because of all the water that was invading him from the inside and me, trying to get some sleep, all the time listening to his breathing, expecting him to die at any moment. It was like dad takes a breath "Ok he's still alive", then he takes too long to take another breath "Is he dead?" and then he takes a breath again "Ok he's still alive". Fast forward two days later and I'm kissing and touching my father for the last time in the coffin in the morgue. I can still feel his skin so cold and hard from being in the morgue chiller. Then someone closed the coffin, sealing my dad away from me forever. A couple of hours later and we're in the church, and suddenly I'm lifting the coffin with my dad inside. That horrible and unbearable weight of carrying a big huge heavy box with your dad father inside it, all the way to the cemetery, which is just 3 streets away, but which, at the moment seemed to carry on forever.
Anyway, since then, 6 miserable months, and my mum is literally driving me crazy. She's all the time complaining about me, all the time fighting with me, causing me trouble, trying to make me fight with friends, she also gave me the fault of my dad dying. Basically, tonight was the last straw. We were watching a movie on the tv, on a Saturday night, because you know, all those friends that promised me that whatever the fuck happens, they'll always be there for me just decide to abandon me all the fucking time. So we're watching this movie and I started laughing during a funny scene, and what does mum do? She just ruins everything by starting bullshitting about religion and that I'm making fun of God, just by laughing at a stupid movie. Right now I'm so damn miserable, I'm crying my ass off because I can't stand this situation anymore. I'm already having the worst time of my life. All the time crying, all the time alone without any kind of company because somehow, ALL my friends find time to go out with girlfriends or with other friends but never manage to find time to come keep me some company, all the time grieving, and this mum situation is making things worse. She just basically makes me wish that I had cancer and died. And to be honest, I'm all the time thinking about committing suicide. And the thing that keeps me from doing it is that I don't have the balls to dive off a cliff or hang myself or shoot myself.
Note: I'm a 24 year old male and mum is 55 years old. I'm seriously thinking that maybe the death of my father, to which was married for 25 years, is making her go literally crazy. And advice or something? I'm thinking about starting to take some pills to calm me down. And for the record, yes, I do go to doctors and psychologists, but no effect. I just keep getting worse. Help before I do something stupid which involves either me committing suicide or killing my mum.