Sep 14, 2013 - 5:46 am
I don't even know where to start. This is my first post and with so much that I have been holding onto, it's hard to know where to start letting go. My dad was diagnosed with stage 4 metastatic melanoma on may 27th. He died on August 19th. He had been experiencing back pain, it became unbearable and resulted in a trip to the ER. His T8 and T9 were cracked and "eaten away" as one of the doctors put it. Six months ago he was carrying my 4 year old son around like a sack of potatoes and doing yard work. it was discovered he had metastasis to his brain, lungs, spleen, liver and bones. He became paralyzed. The doctors were just as horrified as we were, several of them cried. He came home after a surgery and 15 days of whole brain radiation... And died in my arms 3 weeks later. He had just turned 60. There is so much I want to talk about. My mom thinks I have ptsd. I think she may be right. I think about the moment he died all the time. I knew in that moment that he was okay and he was comfortable and present and not afraid. All my logical senses tell me I did everything right. But I can't ge the sound oft his last breaths to leave me. I can't help but wonder ifs he really heard me telling him I loved him. I feel like I am underwater and I have no idea which way is up. My dad was my best friend. I was his care giver 24-7 for the last 2 weeks of his life and I feel so grateful that I got to do that. But I am deeply disturbed by this experience, particulRly the ferocity of the melanoma and the speed at which it irreversibly scarred my family- and I don't know if I am even dealing with it. I feel numb and angry and apathetic at the same time and I have to remind myself every day that he is gone. I feel lost. Thank you for reading.