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Caregiver being pushed away

Ellie Hogan
Posts: 2
Joined: Aug 2013

Hello all!

Just a question that has me boggled. I was in a long distance relationship since Jan 2011. I would go visit my bf every 2 months and stay for a couple of weeks.

Last July, he was diagnosed with colon cancer. I spent July there with him and went to all his Dr's appts. He said I was his soul savour and his dream girl! I flew back home and returned in September after he started his first round of chemo. He told me then that he didn't want my help or needed it and didn't want me to come back to visit.

He also told me he didn't feel the same way about me and that things change. During the past 9 months we have been in communication....even after his liver resection. He just found out last month that two new tumours had returned to his liver. Now we are no longer speaking or texting.

Anyone else out there have this happen to them. I thought it was true love, but I guess cancer does some really nasty things:(

 

Thanks for reading my post

Lovekitties's picture
Lovekitties
Posts: 2893
Joined: Jan 2010

From the few facts you give about your BF, it sounds as if he is stage 4.

That being the case, it is not unusual for the patient to feel depression and dispair.  It may be that he has determined that he loves you enough to want you to have a better life than what you will get tied to him.  He may feel that he doesn't have much time left.

This situation is now compounded by the "no communication". 

Many patients with stage 4 continue to live fairly well for long periods of time.  I hope that his doctors are giving him all the best options available.

Unfortunately cancer is like a rock hitting a pond...it hits the water (patient) but then creates rings of waves which move out to encompase others.

I am so very sorry for both of you.

Marie who loves kitties

 

Ellie Hogan
Posts: 2
Joined: Aug 2013

Hi, Marie!

Thanks for your response to my question.

Yes, the ex bf does have stage 4 colorectal cancer, and has had many complications arise during his treatment.

He did the 6 FOLFOX chemo rx's last fall, had 55% of his liver removed, and did another round of chemo. Apparently, he can't do the Oxi, so the Chemo Onc just gave him the other two meds. I guess the last chemo didn't work and he has two more 1cm spots on his liver...on the left side this time. After this devastating news, our communication has ceased. I figure why reach out anymore, if he wants to be detached from me?

I seem to be the only one that he doesn't want in his life, as he still has everyone else there for him(which is a good thing). He is very stubborn and doesn't want to be obligated to anyone for anything. It just hurts that he wants everyone else there for him, but me?

I'm glad I found this site, and discussion board for support

Thanks, again

Ellie

karguy's picture
karguy
Posts: 1024
Joined: Apr 2009

In 2008 I was dx stage 3c,then in 2013 stage 4 with the tumor on my liver.During all of that I became depresst ,and didn't want to be around anyone.Looking at the stats made it worse.But I found out they don't apply to everyone,everyone is different.He is probably trying to pertect you from heartache if he passes,but he needs to realize everyone is different.He should just live his life like he would normaly.Good luck.

annalexandria's picture
annalexandria
Posts: 2181
Joined: Oct 2011

I can't imagine trying to juggle a relatively new relationship (esp one that was long distance) and a possibly terminal illness.  There were times when I needed to really vent, and sometimes that included being kind of a jerk to my husband.  I could see a person in his situation feeling overwhelmed by the need to deal with the illness, while still being a reasonably civil human being.  It may have just been too much for him.

I'm really sorry that your relationship didn't work out.  Cancer is notorious for messing up even the closest of couples.

Sending hugs your way~Ann Alexandria

danker
Posts: 730
Joined: Apr 2012

From the limited  information we have, it sounds that he loves you so much that he wants to shield you from his troubles.  If he thinks he doesn't have long to live, he wants you to avoid the hurt and move on with your life.  As it sits, all you can do is love him.  Good luck to you.

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