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Feeling strangely down..

Lorikat's picture
Lorikat
Posts: 594
Joined: Jul 2011

I am sitting in my hotel room at MD ANDERSON.  I have been checked out from stem to stern.  The problems I'm having are NOT cancer.  They are side effects from chemo/radiation.  The mucus, blood and cramping proctitis.  I saw the test  while it was being done and pictures afterwards.  Lots of damage.  My teeth  are getting cavities behind fillings and crowns and veneers.... Caused by chemo.  Ok..... So all of these are things that can be dealt with...  So why am I sitting here depressed, crying and wishing my Mother was still alive and well?  DAMNED IF I KNOW!    I'm 63 and want my Mother damn it!  Even in remission it's not over....  Thanks for "listening".....    Lori

 

eihtak
Posts: 966
Joined: Oct 2011

Don't you just wish we could all get together and give hugs sometimes?? I am usually able to stay pretty positive, then just like that something will trigger the tears. I too so wish my mom was here to talk to me. I will sometimes just go for a drive, crank the radio, cry, pray, talk to my mom (passed away 8yrs ago), sing, drive dance even ?!?.........giving you a hug and hoping something brightens your day!

Lorikat's picture
Lorikat
Posts: 594
Joined: Jul 2011

The hug helped!  Knowing I'm not crazy (maybe!) helped.  I lost my mom this last October but she was sick a long time before that. 

 

I just got hit with the fact I have to be positive...  I'm the oldest woman in our family and my kids and Grandkids think I'm made of iron, when its just aluminum....

mp327's picture
mp327
Posts: 3342
Joined: Jan 2010

I'm sorry you are finding yourself a bit down, even after getting good news (which I am so glad to hear).  I think the emotions that cancer brings out are hard to understand sometimes.  I seldom cry about my cancer because all of my friends think I'm made of iron too and I'm just not supposed to cry.  It's hard.  I hope you have a safe trip home and once there, you can savor the good news and things will look much brighter!  Hugs to you!

eihtak
Posts: 966
Joined: Oct 2011

Hey, nothing wrong with aluminum, after all its recyclable, you can be molded into a thousand amazing things over and over again!!

On the dental issue....I had lots of problems all my life even with healthy diet and good hygiene. Some is genetic I think. After chemo treatment I too had a lot of previously treated teeth get cavities. I ended up having several molars pulled and had to get partials made. Now I am on medication for breast cancer and was told that any major work could be complicated by this med as one of the side effects are issues related to bones, (brittle, breakage, etc.) and my dentist said that includes the jaw bone! Ugh! What are we to do???

ps. Don't be afraid to let your kids see your vulnerability, it takes a lot of strength to be honest some times.

Marynb
Posts: 1134
Joined: Aug 2012

Eihtak,

You really inspire me! I didn't know the chemo could cause dental problems. What else does it cause? I know qbout fatigue and chemo brain. Ugh.

sephie's picture
sephie
Posts: 565
Joined: Apr 2009

i , also, have had good news so far ( go to mda end of next  month) but i am also sooooo tired and sad about side effects.... i am having tooth problems also which really bothers me, so much so  ,that i am very afraid of my teeth being treated.....i am a nervous dental patient.....i am a nervous any kind of patient.... used to be tough as nails ...was always a tom boy... have had multiple broken bones, stitches, etc. and never worried about it or cried... but now i am a big baby.... but i try to keep it to myself.... i am sooooo glad that you got good reports....hugs and hugs to you...... sephie

Marynb
Posts: 1134
Joined: Aug 2012

I am glad the problems you are having are not cancer! I am wondering what tests they did?

Cancer is exhausting and so emotionally trying. I really think our mothers are with us. Hang in there and get some good sleep tonight. If the tests show no cancer, you will deal with everything else, because you are a survivor!!!!

Lorikat's picture
Lorikat
Posts: 594
Joined: Jul 2011

Just blood work, sigmo s, that stuff.

i had the worst wives out my Hotel window... A parking garage covered in bird poop!  I kept looking out thinking it would change I guess and guess what!  LOTS OF big black escalades(?) two gray ones with hoods up, black sedans and men in black suites!  Turned on TV and discovered Beau Biden was admitted and his dad the VP was with him.  Everything was handled smoothly and professionally.  Unless you saw it on TV or out your windows, LOL, YOU WOULDN'T KNOW WHAT WAS GOING ON!  Sounds like MDA was his third hospital...hummmmmmmmm. Interesting!

mp327's picture
mp327
Posts: 3342
Joined: Jan 2010

It's nice that you at least had a room where you see all the goings on!

sephie's picture
sephie
Posts: 565
Joined: Apr 2009

hey, you are in the loop....seems Beau Biden is getting a biopsy from neuro ... there, unless i saw it wrong on tv.....thinking of you.....sephie

jcruz
Posts: 327
Joined: Jan 2013

I'm glad you can reach out to us for a "listen" when you need it.

I think we're always going to be riding up and down on the emotional rollercoaster following cancer.  It's a rough hand we're dealt and we're always having to figure out how best to play it.

Hope you'll have many better days ahead.

 

qv62
Posts: 403
Joined: Nov 2012

sending hugs and smiles your way !

 

sandysp's picture
sandysp
Posts: 859
Joined: May 2011

i get the Momma thing. Yesterday was the first anniversary of my mother's death and I struggled a great deal. I kept an invitation to dinner with some old family friends of my husband's family and though it was a wonderful evening all respects. I kept crying inside and left a couple of times from the table to pull it together. It was hard watching this wonderful couple who have been together 68 years enjoying their lives so much and their children and grandchildren, even though it was also inspiriing and uplifting. It bugged me that they are 90 and we have so many of the same issues -particularly deafness!

I was definitely diagnosed with depression by my Psychologists. Moderate-to severe depression. I see the Psychiatrist again on Monday and have started a program of cognitive therapy with one of MSK's Psychologists. She highly recommends books by Dr. David D. Burns and my assignment was to get one or more of his books. I bought a workbook - 10 Days to Self Esteem - and downloaded his best seller "Feeling Good". He is an MD but believes that cognitive therapy is as or more helpful than the anti-depressants people take. I plan to do both if they offer me both.

I surrender.

No problems with my teeth yet. Went to have them cleaned yesterday but experienced vertigo when she worked on the left side which is the side of the deaf ear. These days vertigo only seems to occur when I tilt my head or turn my head to the left. Even when I turn over in bed. So things have improved a lot. But it's still an adjustment. The dentist said there could be a relationship between TMJ and SSNHL. There have been studies.

I have an appointment with my Colo rectal surgeon on Tuesday. I hope all is well. My internist once said: "You don't have cancer any more Sandy, but you paid a price". I guess more will be revealed, as they say.

By the way, my deceased daughter suffered from self esteem issues when she cried. I told her it was alright to cry (this was when she was about 19). She said "Then why don't you do it?" I told her, "I do!" But I realized that I never let her see me cry. On hinesight I realize this was not a particularly good thing. Crying detoxifies us if nothing else, emotionally and physically. We need to be authentic humans. I am saying this without having had enough therapy to qualify me, though!

Thanks for sharing. I am thinking of you.

Sincerely,

Sandy

mitchelsdaly
Posts: 13
Joined: May 2013

Hi, I just wanted to say to Sandy that you are a ray of light.  You used the word, "authentic" in your post.  That is one of my favorite words.  To be authentic is to be human.  Living without shame, and living a life of honesty.  If you're capable of this you will feel a lightness of spirit that is truly a miracle.   Happiest of holidays...........Mitch

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