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Do I or Don't I..?

GSRon's picture
GSRon
Posts: 1306
Joined: Jan 2013

OK, this is a bit of a difficult subject.. but I have a hunch I m not alone on this one...   So here I am a single guy... and of course I would like to start dating again.  I am also on a specialized dating site...  

So, the question is... when should I tell "her" about RCC..??   This was brought up on that dating site by a gal in the medical profession.. her suggestion was do not talk about it for several dates.   To me that is a bit dishonest..   To me, if the gal runs, well no loss.. at least I was open and honest.   But if I wait until there is advanced feelings towards each other.. well...  it just seems wrong to me...  Am I wrong..?

Be Well All...!!

Ron

Texas_wedge's picture
Texas_wedge
Posts: 2807
Joined: Nov 2011

My feeling is that your instincts are right, Ron, and they do you credit anyway.   Even just at a practical level, it makes sense.

I'd like to add something, though, that I hope you'll think about.  We're all heavily pre-occupied here with RCC because, by definition, it's the one and only common interest we know for sure we all have but it's NOT all that our lives are about.   Many of us here share a gallows humour that keeps this forum lighter and we can joke about all sorts of subjects.  You're in the thick of that.  We also share talk about a wide variety of topics outside of health.  Your TT  passion is something you communicate strongly to many of us and a lot of your friends here will be keen to know how your bike fares but also about your whole upcoming Manx adventure.

So, do be open and honest but put your little health problem in the context of everything else you're about and don't fall prey to what sociologists used to (still do, anyone?) call labeling theory - reducing you to being thought of as just someone with cancer, as if there was nothing else to you.  You've got a lot to offer a lady (hush, Alex!) so do make sure that RCC comes over as only part of the bigger picture.  Good luck Ron - in the TT and the romantic stakes.

 

 

 

 

 

Djinnie's picture
Djinnie
Posts: 814
Joined: Apr 2013

Hi Ron, 

I think first date is often awkward, you are both a little nervous and wary. I don't feel that is a time to be discussing RCC, it can be too much too soon. The second or third date you are more at ease, and some reference could be made then. If she knows that you are happy to answer any questions or concerns she may have, that keeps it open and honest. I expect there will be many differing opinions but that is what would work for me.

Hope you enjoy your trip to IOM, I can't remember when you were leaving but I know it's soon.

 

Djinnie

 

Gordon Charles's picture
Gordon Charles
Posts: 91
Joined: Jun 2012

Ron:  Everytime I try to work out a plan of attack for something it seems to stray off course... or as the old saying goes:  The best battle plan rarely survives the first bullet.  It takes too much energy to be cute and coy.  The first date will I'm sure provide a moment, should you choose to use it, to bring up how you got to this point in your life and Oh, by the way.....You're on the survivor network Ron.... live like one...whether you speak of romance or health... you have a "do-over" so do it your way this time!

icemantoo's picture
icemantoo
Posts: 1596
Joined: Jan 2010

Ron,

 

Part of the problem is the stigma attched to the words Kidney Cancer. The bark is worse than the bite. If you are interested in the lady pick the right time and tell her about this fantastic board where everyone take the RCC diagnosis with a grain of salt after they realize they can in most cases do everything they could do before. And if it turns out to be a deal breaker find someone better.

What do I know. I haven't been on a date in ages, but I was thinking of starting a dating column. How does dear Iceman sound?

Icemantoo

Texas_wedge's picture
Texas_wedge
Posts: 2807
Joined: Nov 2011

I nearly choked on my morning coffee!  A heart-warming, intimate, romantic counselling column  called "Dear Iceman" ... just too much.  Laughing

icemantoo's on good form - can't say better than  "if it turns out to be a deal breaker find someone better" - the perfect attitude.

[RCC can be a bit of a pain, so in the context of our topic here, it gives a whole new meaning to the term "Agony Aunt" doesn't it?]

anmazon's picture
anmazon
Posts: 129
Joined: Jun 2013

Can't find a single man to save my life, but am beseiged by married men.

What to do?

Annie Landers

Djinnie's picture
Djinnie
Posts: 814
Joined: Apr 2013

Haha!! You have started something now Iceman.lol! My bet is to play it cool! 

 

Djinnie

MDCinSC's picture
MDCinSC
Posts: 574
Joined: Feb 2013

Ron,

As with everything, I am a proponent of honesty always being the best policy, though not always the most popular nor comfortable.

Are you looking for an assignation or a meaningful relationship? 

A quick toss in the dark and moving on? Well, there are likely lots of things YOU'RE not being told too!  

A meaningful relationship starts with honesty.

Choose, then let your conscience be your guide!

Michael

icemantoo's picture
icemantoo
Posts: 1596
Joined: Jan 2010

Dear Annie,

 

Private message GSRon. He is only 2 states away.

 

Icemantoo

anmazon's picture
anmazon
Posts: 129
Joined: Jun 2013

Oooooh!

Dear Ron:

Any interest in an Amazon Goddess with only one kidney?

Annie

garym's picture
garym
Posts: 1651
Joined: Nov 2009

You ARE good Smile

GSRon's picture
GSRon
Posts: 1306
Joined: Jan 2013

I am glad that there are some good replies here... plus I had no idea that some of you really were interested in my little excursion next month.. therefore I must elaborate on several areas...

The dating scene.. with an interet flair...   Here I am, now 60 years old.. seeking a similar aged woman... for the long term.. what ever that is... be it a year or 30 years..  I am old fashioned in that "Death do us Part" schtick means something...   I will digress and tell you that my parents did that.. they had their ups and downs, but one time my Mom told me they stayed together for us kids.  Well my Mom was a special person in many ways.. you could say that God tested her big time.  She had a somewhat rare diseased called Tickdellaroo or Tick for short, or Trigeminal Neuralgia.  I was about 10 years old at the time.. looked it up in a medical book... the first line.. "The most excrutiating pain known to man...".  Can you imagine somone on powerful pain meds banging their head against the wall in shear pain..?   She then had one of the first uses of lazer brain surgery to relieve some of the pain... then some 20 years later it was Cancer... I am sure it was RCC, but that was in 1983, so not much known back then.  Until then, I never saw that side of my Dad.. he was so loving and caring.. it was amazing to see how he cared for Mom up until that last day...   My Mom made him promise to remarry.. and he did.. he met another wonderful woman... and she cared for him until his last day... sigh...

OK, so you can see my point of reference and what is really important, besides the normal "love"..   So I read all these ads..  So many have a "mandate" in the first line... "Must love Dogs or  Must love Cats, or Must make me laugh"..  gosh such pressure before you even read anything about that person... yes I tolerate cats, although most cats love me..  and for dogs, yes, I like dogs, but  a 1 pound yappy little **** is NOT a dog... 

So, then there are the motorbikes..  That is a big part of my life.. and right now, thinking about my race bike is getting me through a lot of this... especially last year right after surgery.. there I was bump starting my race bike 6 weeks post surgery... (bump start is when you push the bike to start it).    The IOM is special to me...  last year when I got off of the Ferry boat, I knelt down and kissed the ground...  just months before I did not know if I would ever get back to the IOM again.. and here I was...  It was a spiritual moment for sure..!  There is a lot to be said about this little island in the middle of the Irish Sea...    Now the races there.. they have two main events each year.. well almost each year.. but that is another story..  The TT is in June and the Manx Grand Prix in last August.  (The silly Government renamed it the Classic TT for this year... enough of that for now).  They have lots of other smaller events during the year.. but these two are the biggest.. with the TT being the absolute biggest.  The TT is a big time Professional money race with all the factory support and such.. it is by invitation only...   The Manx Grand Prix (MGP) has been mostly a privateer event in which anyone qualified can enter.  The TT is all modern bikes but does include the side cars.  The MGP is mostly classic bikes, no side cars and some modern bikes.. a pleasant mixture.. something for everyone..!  The MGP is a more open event, more family oriented, etc.   Plus there are a bunch of early bikes and less modern bikes visiting the IOM.   I have been dubbed an "Olde School" guy.. my bikes are all old and so am I..!  Anyway..about 8 years ago, I got taunted in to building up a race bike for the IOM.   And so I did.. yet in preparing for the IOM, my bike has raced at Daytona a bunch of times and other less well known tracks.  Every time I made improvements and it went faster and faster until it started to win races.  But the IOM is an unforgiving place.  My bike raced there twice and broke down both times... this should be THE time it finishes.. we will see...  if there is enough interest I will post from the IOM, as I will have internet access...  For those really interested, if you go to YouTube and search for Manx Grand Prix there are lots of videos.. I have a couple there as well.  I guess I must ad.. that the IOM folks in 2010 made me the U.S. Ambassador to the Manx Grand Prix, and honour that I truly am not worthy of... and I got reinstated this year..!  I am humbled by this honour...

My other main hobby is amateur radio...  a fun hobby that fills in voids and allows me to make friends all over the world, (long before the internet)..

Guess this takes me back to the dating part..  so it would be helpful if the woman I meet has at least an interest in motorbikes.. or does not mind being a bike widow several times a year...  And as I am of Jewish persuasion, that too would be highly desirable.. anything else is wide open..  I do try to keep an open mind.. sometimes it takes a crowbar to open it...  heh...  

Oh yes then there is this little issue called RCC or really mRCC...

So, does that frame me well enough..??

My thinking is that IF that first date is going well, I will tell her about the KC... if not, then no need to go there... 

Thank you all for your kind thoughts... caring... etc...  AWESOME people  you are..!!!  :)

Ron

Djinnie's picture
Djinnie
Posts: 814
Joined: Apr 2013

Ron, I hope your bike does you proud this year, but either way you obviously love the experience. I am sure you would not have been made US Ambassador to the Manx Grand Prix if you did not deserve it, you have a passion for it. It is an exciting event, and the sun will be shining for you, always a bonus. 

The story about your parents was so touching, it must have been hard on all of you. The life you have lived has made you what you are though. You are a lovely, caring and compassionate man, with a sense of humour, always a plus. That is who you are! RCC is what you had!

 

 Djinnie xx

 

anmazon's picture
anmazon
Posts: 129
Joined: Jun 2013

Ron, what an amazing story!

I cried reading about your parents, and I am so excited for your trip to the IOM.

Please, please keep us posted.

I don't know what to say about dating, other than you'll know in your heart when it's the right person.

Regardless, I would encourage you to seek Advice from Ice(man) rather than from the likes of me.  I've found RCC to be an excellent addition to my "Keeping Abhorrent People at Bay" toolbox.  Mention the "Big C" and they head for the hills. 

Cynical much, Miss Annie?

Texas_wedge's picture
Texas_wedge
Posts: 2807
Joined: Nov 2011

Yes, and look what state he's in!

Let's hope he's soon in the state of euphoria!!

[This post was supposed to appear below iceman's, up above, where it makes a bit more sense.]

anmazon's picture
anmazon
Posts: 129
Joined: Jun 2013

Doesn't sound like Ron is looking for a recovering Catholic.

I'm still thrilled to be a member of Uncle Iceman's Lonely Hearts Club Band.

Annie

MDCinSC's picture
MDCinSC
Posts: 574
Joined: Feb 2013

I haven't heard that in a long time!  It is an apt description for many though.  It sounds like dogma is leaving you cool and experiential spirituality is more your cup of tea!  There is a reason New Mexico is refered to as "The Land of Enchantment."  An interesting topic for discussion some time. 

Consenting adults only, please!

 

 

anmazon's picture
anmazon
Posts: 129
Joined: Jun 2013

Michael,  my life is such a punch line.

In my 40th summer, I was hit on by a Catholic priest, a rabbi and my former CEO.  I was thinking that if I had met a Muslim cleric or Buddhist monk that summer, I would have achieved some sort of a religious triple play or trifecta. Alas...

...so a priest, a rabbi and a CEO walk into Annie's office.....

I love the concept of experiential spirituality--an apt description.

Annie

 

 

I am alive
Posts: 224
Joined: Jul 2012

Ron, 

  I don't know why, but I found your tutorial on bike racing FASCINATING! And that reminded me what I love about this site - we talk about our lives, part of which includes cancer. There's room here for a rich sense of community. Reading about your passion for racing and radio, and dating!, reminds the rest of us to get on with it, get out there and keep swinging (is that a baseball  metaphor? I dunno. But it sounds good, doesn't it?) Anyway, you're making me feel like a slug - I don't race, I don't know anything about radios, and I haven't dated for 34 years! I'm putting on my straw hat and getting out of the house this very minute!

Texas_wedge's picture
Texas_wedge
Posts: 2807
Joined: Nov 2011

No surprise to find you welcoming this Peg, considering the manifesto name you chose to appear under here -  'I am alive' and I remembered the last line of your Profile, viz  "Just get up, get out and live your life happily."

We all have other sides - I keep waiting for Alex to talk to Ron - not about sex, surprise, surprise - but about other passions of hers, since, apart from being a prodigious computer geek, she is an expert (professional) on all things automotive.

I was interested in Ron's run-down on the TT too.  I know the IOM and many of my big biker crazy friends will doubtless be making the relatively short hop from Scotland to be there.

alice124's picture
alice124
Posts: 860
Joined: Mar 2012

Wow Peg, I’m with you on that. I love the members of this Board, and this thread is just one of many reminders of why. This one thread has made me LMAO and fill up with tears , all within about ten seconds.  It’s so much more than facts and figures and statistics about kidney cancer, it’s about the lives of the people experiencing it.

Iceman – I think you’d rock as a dating columnist; I’d subscribe. What a parody! A lonely hearter writing “Dear Iceman.”   PERFECT!

Ron –  Your question is a matter of the heart. And on matters of the heart, I say practice  heart speak. Let your heart tell you when to open up.  The heart doesn’t lie (at least that’s what the song says).  My guess is you’ll modify your decision to tell or not tell based on the person you’re meeting. I say no canned, preconceived response.  Canned, preconceived responses come off as canned, preconceived responses.

MDCinSC's picture
MDCinSC
Posts: 574
Joined: Feb 2013
"Perfection is inhuman. Human beings are not perfect. What evokes our love — and I mean love, not lust — is the imperfection of the human being. So, when the imperfection of the real person peaks through, say, 'This is a challenge to my compassion.' Then make a try, and something might begin to get going."

Joseph Campbell, Pathways to Bliss

alice124's picture
alice124
Posts: 860
Joined: Mar 2012

Michael - Nothing against tattoos, but this profile picture is my preference. So adoring!

When you wrote  Some sage advice from one of my heroes, I initially thought you were referring to your dog! And--believe me--I was all ears.

 

garym's picture
garym
Posts: 1651
Joined: Nov 2009

The guy obviously never met my wife Undecided

I am alive
Posts: 224
Joined: Jul 2012

Alex is a hoot. Never would have guessed she's an automobile expert. MDCinSC, I love your doggie pic. Now there's a face I could fall  in love with. His sweet silly smile makes me laugh. And the unabashed love and vulnerability in those eyes! Are dogs great, or what? (Campbell's pretty great too.)

icemantoo's picture
icemantoo
Posts: 1596
Joined: Jan 2010

I had not heard of the term "Agony Aunt" before today. Google tells me its an advice columnist from across the Pond.  You learn something new everyday.

 

Icemantoo

angec's picture
angec
Posts: 626
Joined: Mar 2012

Dear Ron... I think with those dating sites you kind of write back and forth a bit before you actually go on a date right?  I also know at age 60 peole have experienced many things already and sometimes it can be heart trouble, diabetes or RCC!  This day and age RCC can be handled just right!  Look for the post I am about to make on SP you will like it!

 

Now, I think Annie is a special woman and a sweetheart!  You two already have so much in common.  Jewish, ok maybe not but i have been called a Jewish mother and yet I am am Italian, what's it matter when you find that someone special? ;)  

 

Dear Iceman.....I love it!

GSRon's picture
GSRon
Posts: 1306
Joined: Jan 2013

All I can say is that I think all of you are very special indeed...  I read some  of today's messages and laughed and cried a bit...  I must be getting soft in my olde age...!!   I guess I had to tell the story of my Mom... but if you read one of my other posts in the Funny Bonz, I told another story about her..   So why not one more..??

OK, so all the Doctors and Nurses would say my Mom was NOT a normal patient...  So, one day I went to visit.. wait.. oh wait.. I gotta tell more from the start...

My Mom often did a lot of charity work.. she would do that when we kids were in school or at night... well once we move to California and all us kids were grown.. she continued..  I had no idea she was one of the fund raisers for the City of Hope..!  And I carry an old black and white picture of my Mom with Betty White..   Her fund raising was the ONLY reason she was admitted to the City of Hope, as her Dx was really too late for treatment at that time.. Today she would like of been more treatable... 

Back to the story.. well I went to visit my Mom at the City of Hope that one day... and there was a nurse in the room and they were talking.. after an introduction.. the nurse promptly left the room...  well she RAN from the room...   Turned out my Mom had already cased the joint and knew the room next door was emtpy... she asked the Nurse to ahem.. "take care of me"...   True story... what could I say..??  Mom was afraid I was not getting enough sex...!!!  Oh my... 

Fast forward to a recent posts..  I cry just thinking of poor Kathy and her son... NO FAIR..!   Yes I know life is not fair...   sorry to mention that here.. but it was always painful to see young kids lined up for Chemo... and it always will be...  I still hope one of the contacts she has will help out... sigh...

Guess I just spoiled my mood a bit..  thinking of others seems more important at times...   Bless all of you...  nite all..

Ron

Jenner86's picture
Jenner86
Posts: 13
Joined: Jul 2013

We all have imperfections and idiosyncrasies...but we don't necessarily open up conversations about them.  "Hi, my name is Jen, and I have a giant zit on my forehead"....comes to mind.

i think it's important to be honest, but not LEAD with it.  Besides, you seem like a very interesting guy...there's lofts of other stuff to talk about.  I have to tell you, that when I first showed this site to my husband, I wanted him to see all of the nice responses I received, all he could do was gush over your very special motorcycle. That's kind of a symbolic way to look at this....

 

you have received a lot of good advice, so process everything, and whatever you end yup doing will be the right decision...just because that was the way you wanted to handle it.  Then we learn from the first time.  And the second, etc....

 

jen

 

GSRon's picture
GSRon
Posts: 1306
Joined: Jan 2013

Now if only I were an egg... I would get laid every day... heh..!  :)   Gosh it is so nice to be able to talk about anything here..  However right now my focus is on packing for the IOM..!!

You all be well.. ya hear..!

Ron - D.O.G. (Dirty Olde Guy)  :)

foxhd's picture
foxhd
Posts: 1952
Joined: Oct 2011

First it is no ones business to know of your canceer unless you want them to. But if you are to meet someone and would like to develope a relationship, I would let them know as soon as they demonstrated any reciprocal interest. Jerry Springer has made millions on people who hide the truth.

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