Jul 19, 2013 - 12:26 pm
Since it has been awhile since I have been on here but as those of you who have followed me I am sure you can understand why. Mike is sleeping at the moment so I thought it would be a great time to catch you all up.
This past weekend we had all the kids over for a visit and when Mike took his normal nap, we all sat out in the backyard so I could update them on how things were going since we went on ho****e July 4th. Each day I see the changes in Mike and I know that each night when I close my eyes for those few hours of sleep brings us closer to the time when we no longer have the ability to hold onto him. We are now on the pill form of morphine 15mg 3 times a day which is extended relief, supplement with 0.5ml liquid morphine for break through discomfort, 1mg of ativan along with 0.5ml morphine at bedtime. Mike no longer is able to sleep through the night and takes 0.5ml of the liquid morphine sometimes twice a night. I got smart and brought up two syringes to put by my bed instead of running down in the kitchen tripping over my own feet on the carpet. Oxygen is now pretty much 24/7 which brings comfort in breathing and he sleeps more during the day. He is still eating by mouth what he can but he is starting to show little desire in food and we now go every two weeks for throat stretches until they can't be done anymore which I know the time is coming soon. Making the trip to the hospital for 3 hours is starting to takes it toll on him.
Now I know what everyone is thinking after reading all that but I want to share you something that my three boys said in my backyard and that is this, "Mom, you would not believe the sense of peace and tranquility when you walk into this house since Dad went on ho****e." That statement brought me to tears for it confirmed deep in my heart what I knew what was the right thing to do, as difficult as the decision was to make let alone think about it was putting Mike on ho****e. That our entire ho****e team has supported every single decision we have made and that because of ho****e Mike CAN HAVE the things to make him comfortable that he would not be able to get if we were still going through treatment. Mike as he has said many times that all the prayers that have been said for him were not for him in respect to curing his cancer or going through the treatments that made him sicker than ever but rather those prayers were to lead us to find peace with his dying and that he can do so with honor and dignity. That alone has brought great strength and comfort to Mike and our entire family.
We are all connected in some way or another because we are here on this site. Our stories will forvever remain with us whether they are ones of saddness or joy. The key is never stop talking about this disease because awareness needs to happen so hopefully our children will never have to be in the place we are today. When ho****e may become a topic of conversation, please don't fear or shut it out. Yes the decision is extremely difficult to make as many will see it as a sign of giving up but that is farther from the truth. It is about taking control of things while it is still in your power to do so and its about reducing pain. Mike is not in pain and that alone to hear and see makes all the difference in the world and hurts just a little bit less.