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Just lost my mother to cancer age 39

Natalie19
Posts: 9
Joined: Jun 2013

My mother passed away age 39 on the 13th of feb 2013 at 10.48am 

she was diagnosed with cervical cancer only a year early .. It was the hardest year of my life but nothing was harder than now after she passed just over 3months ago . 

 

I am 19 years old I have a brother who just turned 16 on the 3rd of may and my dads not in the picture my parents divorced 9 years awas Memories of my dad are not fond he was cruel to my mother she had a hard life growing up married at 16 had me at 21 . My mother raised my brother and I on her own it was a hard she was my best friend my only friend and I miss her So much I wake up every morning wishing it was a dream I miss her smile her touch her voice she was taken away from me too soon I'm soon to graduate Uni and she won't be there I can't comprehend her death I was a ghost at her funeral Im confused and I miss her so much I'm angry very angry I don't no why I'm angry at god I'm angry at life and everyone around me . I question why and I beg for her back there is not a day that goes by that I don't cry for her nobody understands and that annoys me I left my boyfriend because he dosnt get it I don't no what's wrong with me I feel his comfort isn't enough he tried but I push him away and I'm angry he dosnt try hard enough it's like nobody understands my mothers not with me anymore

 
All I hear is time heads all wounds in time everything will be alright what people don't understand is that time is the only thing I don't have with my mum anymore and I hate the word time , time with my mum has been taken away from me and I hate life I hate everything for it I just want to hold her hand. 
 
I break down everytime I think about her being diagnosed I hate remembering what cancer did to her and the way she changed and  she deteriorated I hate how cancer got her so sick ! And how she was in so much pain ! 
 
The hardest thing I remember was her last few weeks she stopped talking and responding to us .. Her eyes rolled semi back with yellow pupils her breathing got heavy and slow and she just laid there looking at the ceiling from being 39 year old energetic healthy friend to me doing everything together I'm angry I took her for granted I'm angry at myself I'm angry at cancer I'm angry at myself for being a spoilt teenage growing up and not appreciating my mother as much as I should've I am angry at myself for not doing of saying the things I should've . The hardest was knowing she could hear us but not being able to respond you could see it in her face how frustrated she was that she couldn't respond to us before she couldn't move she used to throw her hands up and sigh because she couldn't talk anymore than eventually she just stopped moving and was only breathing it was hard watching the nurses move her around for her comfort with tears steaming down her face because she was in so much pain I am so angry and can't stop crying I don't no why this is happening to me and I hate how nobody understands me I love her I miss her and I wish she never got cancer why did she have to get cancer she never deserved it ! 
 
 
I often wonder where she is I question everything I want to no she's ok and she's happy and cancer free 
Noellesmom
Posts: 1306
Joined: Aug 2010

Natalie, I'm sorry I did not see your post before.

Your mother is okay.  She is cancer free.

Believe me, Natalie, as a mother myself she would want you to focus on healing yourself right now.

First of all, take care of yourself.  Cervical cancer has some recognized contributors so get with a good gynecologist and stay there.  Watch your own health.

Second, it is the nature of a 19 year old daughter to take for granted that her mother will be there until the daughter is ready to let her go.  You did not get that opportunity and I'm sorry for that. 

Third, it sounds like your mom's pain was not well managed by her health care providers.  That is more than a shame and I'm sorry it happened.

Fourth, your crying is normal.  Please let it continue and don't try to stop it.  Grieving has many phases and you would benefit from reading Elizabeth Kubler Ross' Stages of Grief.  It is all over the internet although you can certainly find it in most any bookstore.

Finally, come back here and let us know how you are doing, Natalie.  Grieving takes time and you will go forward and you will go backward.  It is okay.  It is normal.

I know you miss your mom and I am very, very sorry for your loss.  My mom was 83 when she passed two years ago and I was 53 - believe me, Natalie, you would miss your mother no matter the circumstances of her death.  It is normal and it is healthy.

Hugs - lots of hugs from another mother to you.

Let us hear how you are doing.

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