May 26, 2013 - 4:41 am
Tonight I looked at the side of my neck with a mirror to see what other people see. I felt kind of shocked at how deep the crease is under my jaw. Added to that the swelling I still have under my jaw (surgery was Aug. 2012) and long scars. I've been struggling to feel comfortable with the loss of part of my tongue, my speech, eating (and tasting) food and all the odd feelings in my neck from a radical neck resection (and tracheotomy).
Seems like being grateful to be alive doesn't stop feelings I don't want to have. I feel like I'm greiving the loss of my old self while celebrating my new life after cancer. Then I feel guilty for feeling that way in the first place...because I am still alive and doing well.
Sounds kind of crazy, I know.
I'm about 6-1/2 months post rad and chemo now.
Has anyone else gone through an emotional healing phase after all the pain and sickness of treatment has passed? Do you feel sad for what was lost or changed, yet so happy and grateful to be alive at the same time?