May 21, 2013 - 1:30 am
My mom was diagnosed with lung cancer just over a year ago now and passed away this past December. There hasn't been a day go by that my mind does not wander to thoughts of mom and the complete sense of loss that I can't seem to put into words. Like many, my mom was everything to me. She was always there for me and the one person who loved me no matter what. I don't know how to live life without her even though I've managed to return to a state of "normal", mostly out of obligation I suppose.
I have dealt with some issues of resentment in that my siblings and I were kept in the dark about the severity of the diagnosis until the last 2 weeks of her life. We were never told that she was given up to a year to live and therefore held out hope that perhaps there was a cure. The word "terminal" was never used. I know it was an attempt to protect us but I can't help but feel angry over not truly knowing and not making it more of a priority to "be around". I'm not sure if I ever got to say the things I wanted to say to mom because of how quickly things went downhill...and that is where the resentment comes in.
What's left is a dad who is now widowed at age 60, with a completely different outlook on life after work. My heart breaks for him as he returns to an empty house every day. I hate this disease and what it has done to my family.
I know it will get better but right now I hurt and I just want to re-do so many things.