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Mom

lovechoir
Posts: 1
Joined: May 2013

My mom was diagnosed with lung cancer just over a year ago now and passed away this past December.  There hasn't been a day go by that my mind does not wander to thoughts of mom and the complete sense of loss that I can't seem to put into words.  Like many, my mom was everything to me.  She was always there for me and the one person who loved me no matter what.  I don't know how to live life without her even though I've managed to return to a state of "normal", mostly out of obligation I suppose.

I have dealt with some issues of resentment in that my siblings and I were kept in the dark about the severity of the diagnosis until the last 2 weeks of her life.  We were never told that she was given up to a year to live and therefore held out hope that perhaps there was a cure.  The word "terminal" was never used.  I know it was an attempt to protect us but I can't help but feel angry over not truly knowing and not making it more of a priority to "be around".  I'm not sure if I ever got to say the things I wanted to say to mom because of how quickly things went downhill...and that is where the resentment comes in.  

What's left is a dad who is now widowed at age 60, with a completely different outlook on life after work.  My heart breaks for him as he returns to an empty house every day.  I hate this disease and what it has done to my family.  

I know it will get better but right now I hurt and I just want to re-do so many things.  

 

Shaun

 

grandmafay's picture
grandmafay
Posts: 1612
Joined: Aug 2009

Please, let the resentment go. As you have learned, time is precious. Don't waste it on something that can't be changed. Different people choose not to talk about death and dying even when faced with it. My husband and I were were very open about his cancer and his prognosis - treatable, not curable, and life shortening. Not only did we tell family and close friends, but we shared it in our church. But it was a choice.  Many more people are now talking openly about cancer, even late stage cancer,  than ever before.  Others are making different choices. I think we need to respect those choices. I know you feel cheated because you might have talked more or seen your mother more often, but she evidently didn't want that. I can tell you that either way, you still wouldn't have had enough time to say and do everything you might have wanted. There is never enough time. Fay

radevaelena
Posts: 10
Joined: Nov 2011

Hi Shaun, I just wanted to tell you I could slightly imagine how you feel - my mom passed away from breast cancer in Oct 2011...She never shared with anyone (including my dad, me, brother) that she was sick...and then when my dad found out she was very sick maybe about 2 weeks before her passing, he did not tell me nor my brother...So when mom was gone, I just found out about it over the phone...I was living in US and they were living in Europe...It was such a shock for me...I wish they had told me so I could have come and be there with her...but noone did tell me anything not to have me worried...

I hope that you and the rest of the family could spend as much time as you could with your dad. Life for him without his life partner will be tough...We - the children - find/have our own life but for the living parent is a huge change...I commit myself to taking my dad hiking on weekends, go out for coffee, beach vacation and anything else I could so he does not feel lonely.

Wish you strength and love!!!

Elena

Natalie19
Posts: 9
Joined: Jun 2013

My mother passed away age 39 on the 13th of feb 2013 at 10.48am 

she was diagnosed with cervical cancer only a year early .. It was the hardest year of my life but nothing was harder than now after she passed just over 3months ago . 

 

I am 19 years old I have a brother who just turned 16 on the 3rd of may and my dads not in the picture my parents divorced 9 years awas Memories of my dad are not fond he was cruel to my mother she had a hard life growing up married at 16 had me at 21 . My mother raised my brother and I on her own it was a hard she was my best friend my only friend and I miss her So much I wake up every morning wishing it was a dream I miss her smile her touch her voice she was taken away from me too soon I'm soon to graduate Uni and she won't be there I can't comprehend her death I was a ghost at her funeral Im confused and I miss her so much I'm angry very angry I don't no why I'm angry at god I'm angry at life and everyone around me . I question why and I beg for her back there is not a day that goes by that I don't cry for her nobody understands and that annoys me I left my boyfriend because he dosnt get it I don't no what's wrong with me I feel his comfort isn't enough he tried but I push him away and I'm angry he dosnt try hard enough it's like nobody understands my mothers not with me anymore

 
All I hear is time heads all wounds in time everything will be alright what people don't understand is that time is the only thing I don't have with my mum anymore and I hate the word time , time with my mum has been taken away from me and I hate life I hate everything for it I just want to hold her hand. 
 
I break down everytime I think about her being diagnosed I hate remembering what cancer did to her and the way she changed and  she deteriorated I hate how cancer got her so sick ! And how she was in so much pain ! 
 
The hardest thing I remember was her last few weeks she stopped talking and responding to us .. Her eyes rolled semi back with yellow pupils her breathing got heavy and slow and she just laid there looking at the ceiling from being 39 year old energetic healthy friend to me doing everything together I'm angry I took her for granted I'm angry at myself I'm angry at cancer I'm angry at myself for being a spoilt teenage growing up and not appreciating my mother as much as I should've I am angry at myself for not doing of saying the things I should've . The hardest was knowing she could hear us but not being able to respond you could see it in her face how frustrated she was that she couldn't respond to us before she couldn't move she used to throw her hands up and sigh because she couldn't talk anymore than eventually she just stopped moving and was only breathing it was hard watching the nurses move her around for her comfort with tears steaming down her face because she was in so much pain I am so angry and can't stop crying I don't no why this is happening to me and I hate how nobody understands me I love her I miss her and I wish she never got cancer why did she have to get cancer she never deserved it ! 
 
 
I often wonder where she is I question everything I want to no she's ok and she's happy and cancer free 
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