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Anxiety--1st Rituxan Maintanence Thurs. 3/16

Rocquie's picture
Rocquie
Posts: 465
Joined: Mar 2013

I keep telling myself not to worry. Everything will be just fine. I have had Rituxan 8 times already. It is no big deal. They keep telling me there will be no side-effects. It hasn't bothered me before--or has it? I really don't know because I was taking it along with 4 other drugs. Which one caused what? I CAN. NOT. make my mind be still. I can't focus. I can't make myself go to the kitchen to cook dinner and I love to cook. I can't decide what I want to eat, yet my stomach is growling. Arrrrgh. 

Thursday, I will get lab work, then see the doctor, then get my infusion. All in the same office building. I've done it before. I know all the people and they are all super sweet to me. But I must admit: I'm scared.

Thanks, I feel better now,

Rocquie

 

girliefighter's picture
girliefighter
Posts: 198
Joined: Mar 2013

Rocquie,

I will be thinking about you and sending you strength so you can put your mind at ease....Fear of the unknown is always scary to me, so you don't stand alone...Strength is in #'s, we will all be with you!!!

I am praying that you can find peace, so you can rest and maybe do some cooking.

XXXOOO

Carie

MChantal's picture
MChantal
Posts: 94
Joined: Apr 2013

Carie, just wanted to tell you real quick. I adore your profile picture! You look beautiful and ready to tackle anything that comes your way. You go girlfriend!

Always an inspiration. :)

Rocquie's picture
Rocquie
Posts: 465
Joined: Mar 2013

Carie, thanks for the strength you are sending. I can feel it! I am trying to follow my own advice about staying calm. My mind is just being a stinker and won't leave me alone. I wish I could get my Rituxan maintenance elsewhere. I have been away from "that place" for 2 months now. I think I'm having a bit of PTSD about going back--I'm feeling too good and that place made me sick too many times--sent to the hospital 3 times.

Take care of yourself and keep on smiling like you do!

Rocquie

 

MChantal's picture
MChantal
Posts: 94
Joined: Apr 2013

Hi Rocquie, as you know i am the #1 person who constantly fears the unknown and I know I am not even the person that is actually truly experiencing the cancer. Yet, I think I have a pretty good grasp of this and the feeling it comes with as Kyle is my best friend, partner in crime and soul match. I do feel his pain, sorrow, and fear. It hurts my heart. However, I have found that ways I deal with the anxiety, stress, and fear is by writing it all out. Everything. Every single thing that is on my mind and as much as I do not want to even write it, I write it. If I don't ever want to look at it again, I burn it. It's a way of myself eliminating the fears and false hopes that this cancer brings.

One individual on this forum told me once, "Faith drives out fear." I truly do believe in that now.

Much hugs,Michelle

illead's picture
illead
Posts: 489
Joined: Aug 2012

Hi Rocquie,

     As you know Bill is in his 2nd yr of Rit maint. and he has never had any side effects and still doesn't.  The only thing we can think of is that it makes him a little more tired than usual for a day or two.  So try not to overthink it, you know  what tricks your mind can play.  We know you will do fine on Thurs and we'll be thinking of you.

Rocquie's picture
Rocquie
Posts: 465
Joined: Mar 2013

I really do, honestly, feel that I will be just fine. And yes, I am overthinking it. I think it is going back "there" that is bothering me. The other times I went, I was using all my energy to get well. Now I feel well and don't want to go there any more.  Even though I love my doctor, the nurses, and all the staff, I have too many bad memories associated with the place.

I went to the store earlier and bought some beautiful foods to cook. Working in the kitchen is my therapy. It always helps and I am starting with a pan of brownies. Chocolate helps too.

Thanks for your kindness, as always.

Rocquie

 

illead's picture
illead
Posts: 489
Joined: Aug 2012

I totally understand Rocquie.  You're doing the right thing though.  I love to cook too and it's obviousWink BTW, Jim has a recipe section.  You can go to his page and scroll to the bottom, it has a link.  There is a recipe for coconut cream pie that is a "killer"  BTW Jim I am going send a recipe soon.  Have a great one for tomato pie!  I'll be thinking of you tomorrow Rocquie. Becky

jimwins's picture
jimwins
Posts: 1984
Joined: Aug 2011

Here's the site. Not much activity in over a year but there are some good recipes in there. Pretty easy to add recipes too. Recommend using a PC vs an android mobile device.

https://sites.google.com/site/projectwinit/home

 

 

Rocquie's picture
Rocquie
Posts: 465
Joined: Mar 2013

I really appreciate the hugs and understanding you are sending my way. You are right, writing does help. My husband and I compared notes last night--his perceptions were very insightful (and intimate) and helpful. I am working on setting up a blog about my experience. I already have a food blog, which I have had for 4 years. I am going to "practice" a bit by using the blog feature here at this site.

Thanks for caring. I am still thinking of and praying for you and your Kyle. Hope things are going well.

(((Michelle)))  (((Kyle)))

Rocquie

 

Max Former Hodgkins Stage 3's picture
Max Former Hodg...
Posts: 1019
Joined: May 2012

Since you have received Rituxan numerous times before, you know you are not allergic.  You are subtracting four powerful drugs, so whatever you experience, it should be much milder and easier than what you were accoumtomed to.

max

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allmost60's picture
allmost60
Posts: 3154
Joined: Jul 2010

Hi Rocquie,

 I just finished my 2 years of Rituxan maint and can tell you it is totally doable and not anything like chemo treatments. No steroid,at least for me, and the infusion goes pretty quick...3 1/2 to 4 hours. I would feel a little bit punky for the first week after my infusion, tired, achey,just overall blah feeling, but would steadily perk up as weeks went by. I had mine every other month, so the second month  I felt pretty good right up to infusion day. I will say my energy level is still not where I'd like it to be, but that might be more attributed to my age than the R, or chemo...who knows, ya know? At my age it can go either way! Smile Once you get the first infusion under your belt, the rest will go much easier(mentally) and before you know it the 2 years is over and you'll be done! Seriously...I can't believe how fast the last 3 years has gone since my diagnosis in June of 2010. You will get through this my dear and we will be right here to help you do it. Ask for pre-meds..ativan, or something similar to take with the benedryl...you will sleep through the infusion which is just great! Hang in there and I will keep you in my prayers for a "good" day on Thursday! Let us know how it goes. Much love....Sue

(FNHL-2-3A-6/10-age 62)

Rocquie's picture
Rocquie
Posts: 465
Joined: Mar 2013

I know you are 100% correct in everything you say. I have been saying the same thing to myself for a few days now. It is not as if I'm going to a strange place--I know everyone there. They will all smile and they will (at least act) be happy to see me doing so well. My own mind just won't hush!

We have been having some dismal weather, lots of gloomy, gray, rainy days. I think that is part of my problem. But today, the sky is blue and it is sunny and warm, the way May is supposed to be. That makes me feel better.

Thanks for your thoughts and prayers. You're the best!

Rocquie

 

allmost60's picture
allmost60
Posts: 3154
Joined: Jul 2010

Hi Rocquie,

  I went in yesterday morning to get my port flushed and upon entering the clinic doors I immediately went from being in a happy mood to a feeling of sadness. I looked around the waiting room and my heart ached for all of the people sitting there waiting to be seen or get treatment. When I left I had to tell myself that God has a bigger plan for all of us and to not feel sad. I shook off my gloomy attitude and decided to spend the day doing things that made me happy. I went to a friends house and had coffee and then we went to lunch and did a little shopping. Sometimes we are our own worst enemy with our thinking. I've promised myself that next month when I go in I'm going to remind myself that getting a port flush is nothing compared to what others face each day and to be grateful thats all I'm there for. I love my clinic, but it's not a place I want to visit often! Once a month is doable! Enjoy your sunny day and try to stay as positive as possible. One day at a time! Much love...Sue

(FNHL-2-3a-6/10-age62)

illead's picture
illead
Posts: 489
Joined: Aug 2012

Thanks Sue for reminding all of us.

NANCYL1
Posts: 225
Joined: Jun 2012

 

Rocquie:

 

I am having rituxan infusions, every 6 months for two years.  This is the last year.

 

I take Atavin which eases anxiety. (There is a generic, Lorazepam).  They do mix this with the infusions, so if I have had an Atavin, I remind the medical staff.

 

Nancy

 

 

jimwins's picture
jimwins
Posts: 1984
Joined: Aug 2011

I wanted to wish you luck and good spirits today!  I can relate to Sue's discussion regarding getting my port flushed at the out patient treatment area.  My treatments were in the hospital and in different buildings so it's not the same but they soon will complete the addition of several floors (some for impatient) for the cancer center and pretty much everything will occur in the same building which will be nice for everyone involved.  

An interesting event is that when the cancer center was being built many years ago, I had just moved back to this area and took on contract work for about a year before landing a permanent position.  I installed almost all of the computers/terminals in the cancer center outpatient areas.  The first time I went there for neulasta shots, it was like deja vu :).  At least I was very familiar with the layout since I spent many months there before it officially opened.

Hang in there!

Hugs - Jim

 

allmost60's picture
allmost60
Posts: 3154
Joined: Jul 2010

Hi Rocquie,

  Just wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you today while getting your first Rituxan Maint infusion. All will be fine, and after today you will see that you had nothing to fret about! Take it easy for the next few days and if you have any questions or concerns about how you are feeling, just ask away...we are here for you. The next 2 years will go fast and before you know it you will be all done! Hang in there! Best wishes, and much love...Sue

P.S...I saw your picture on the Expression page...thanks for sharing...it's always nice to to see who we are talking with...now I know your not a butterfly! Smile

(FNHL-2-3A-6/10-age 62)

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