May 10, 2013 - 5:31 am
Odd to Post about this bc it feels so wrong to have these feelings. My boyfriend has colon cancer IV with mets to the liver and most recently, to both sides of the lung as well. We actually became a couple when he already had cancer and he tried to keep me away for that very reason. He is very strong and I always felt that he would win this fight. I lived in another city and spent my weekends with him For 1.5 years, we talked 4-5 times a day on the phone, traveled and he met my family. he is 13 years older and wants to move together - in his city because he cannot find a new job somewhere else while I shouldn't have that problem. More recently, I took a 2 months leave from my job because I was actually sent to the US temporarily when we heard about his lung mets and that he would have lung surgery, subsequently on the left and right side. So i decided to be with him and have been staying with him. He does not have family or anyone else close.
Now my problem is that I am having a hard time moving forward and building a life around him with this diagnosis in mind. For some reason, and it's merely based on emotions, the lung mets messed with my positive outlook and attitude I always wanted family and am 33 now and it just scares me to think that I might be sitting here - in his world - without him And even worse: that ill miss those years where o could have have chIldren. It kinda ruins my motivation. But I love him and I knew this when I got into it all - the only difference: at that point I believed that things would turn Out alright.
I feel so selfish.