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Scared

Aicirtap's picture
Aicirtap
Posts: 46
Joined: Apr 2013

Odd to Post about this bc it feels so wrong to have these feelings. My boyfriend has colon cancer IV with mets to the liver and  most recently, to both sides of the lung as well. We actually became a couple when he already had cancer and he tried to keep me away for that very reason. He is very strong and I always felt that he would win this fight. I lived in another city and spent my weekends with him For 1.5 years, we talked 4-5 times a day on the phone, traveled and he met my family. he is 13 years older and wants to move together - in his city because he cannot find a new job somewhere else while I shouldn't have that problem. More recently, I took a 2 months leave from my job because I was actually sent to the US temporarily when we heard about his lung mets and that he would have lung surgery, subsequently on the left and right side. So i decided to be with him and have been staying with him. He does not have family or anyone else close. 

 

Now my problem is that I am having a hard time moving forward and building a life around him with this diagnosis in mind. For some reason, and it's merely based on emotions, the lung mets messed with my positive outlook and attitude  I always wanted family and am 33 now and it just scares me to think that I might be sitting here - in his world - without him  And even worse: that ill miss those years where o could have have chIldren. It kinda ruins my motivation. But I love him and I knew this when I got into it all - the only difference: at that point I believed that things would turn Out alright. 

I feel so selfish. 

 

Noellesmom
Posts: 1302
Joined: Aug 2010

There is really no right way to feel and no wrong way to feel, Aic.  Any guilt feelings are only those you have allowed to be superimposed on the situation.

No one is promised tomorrow - or even five minutes from now - and how could someone of your young age even conceive of not winning the battle and then the war?

We look ahead because that is what we have and that's what you've been doing.  Now, faced with a need to mature rapidly and embrace all that cancer has done to your life and your boyfriend's, you're trying to find your way because THERE ARE NO RULES TO FOLLOW.

Breathe.  Nothing has to be decided tonight or tomorrow.  Enjoy your time together.

Hugs.  You are not selfish and you are not alone.  You are ALIVE.

Aicirtap's picture
Aicirtap
Posts: 46
Joined: Apr 2013

Thank you :-) it helps to speak out without being judged. I will try to breathe and I hope time will bring answers.. 

hugs-this is a wonderful community! 

Aicirtap's picture
Aicirtap
Posts: 46
Joined: Apr 2013

Sorry - double post 

grandmafay's picture
grandmafay
Posts: 1613
Joined: Aug 2009

I was scared, too, and hesitated to answer you. I lost my husband to colon cancer after a six year battle. That's why I hesitated to write. I don't want to scare you more. New protocols and treatments are being brought to this fight all the time. More and more people are living longer than ever before. We don't know what the future will bring. My husband and I were giving a gift and blessing of more time than we expected, but it wasn't enough. It is never enough. You decisions will be different than mine because your situation is very different. We had been married for 42 years when he passed, and our sons were grown with children of their own. There was never any question as to where I wanted to be. Although leaving might have been an option, it wasn't one I ever considered. Oh, there were times when i felt like i wanted to run away, times when i felt angry and frustrated with the disease. Yet, cancer taught me to live in the now whenever possible. I cherish ever minute we were together, even the hard ones. You, On the other hand, are young. You are not married. You  feel that you need to make decisions that I didn't. So in addition to the fears and other emotions that cancer brings, you are torn between the future you hoped for and the present you have. Cancer does have a way to messing with our plans. When Doug was diagnosed, we pretty much knew we were just buying time. He decided to buy as much time as he could, and we continued to make memories together. It was hard to stay positive all the time, though. Our positive somedays was that we just had a little more time. Had we not had a long, loving relationship, I don't know if that would have been enough. 

I'm thinking that none of what I am writing is very helpful. I have no words of wisdom to help. I quess the age old question you need to ask yourself is, "Are you better off with him or without him?"  Do you love him enough to make new plans for yourself. Do you love him enough to value your time with him now knowing that he may just be buying time? Tough questions and even tougher decisions. We can't tell the future; we can only tell the present. We have no wary of knowing how present decisions will affect the future. We just have to make those decisions and go for it. What is best for you? No right. No wrong. Forgive my rambling. Take care, Fay

Aicirtap's picture
Aicirtap
Posts: 46
Joined: Apr 2013

Thank you, Fay! What a wonderful post and so very helpful! I am sorry that you didn't get more time with your husband but it is beautiful to read that you stood by him and you got the chance to make more memories. thank you for sharing this personal story and at the same time understanding! I very much hope that life, family and friends bring you joy!

For me it isn't really a decision of stay or go - it is only me trying to cope with my fears of what may come or not come. Buying time is what it seems to be from a current perspective - however, as you say, hoping for advancement in treatments. 

I do believe that I will be guided through this and that it isn't an option to leave a loved one in a search for a different life - I don't even think I would find that life or peace if I were to make choices on that basis. But I simply struggle with my wish to have my own family - I prioritized my career and my own life for a long time and started feeling that I had gotten through that part of my life only a year ago. I wanted to have a family with my boyfriend very quickly after I met him and now there is just no basis for it (The main reason being because for me it would not feel right to put a child at such an increased risk to lose its father - obviously very different from a family that existed prior to such diagnosis). In a nutshell: that fear pops up in my head so frequently and I just don't know how to deal with it. Maybe it is part of this and we will have to learn to co-exist..

thank you again! This is a topic I would not dare to address outside of this forum.  

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