May 03, 2013 - 9:40 pm
I guess i will start my saying i am 46 and i am a caregiver to my husband 48 we've been married for 24 years with 2 children and the last 8 have been hell. I work full time, i take care of the husband and the kids and everything in the house like cleaning, cooking, yard work, pay the bills, when i say i do eveything i mean everything down to cleaning the gutters. And yes in the beginning i had help but after so many years you learn who you can count on and who you cant. and there arent many left to count on anymore, I dont know if anyone else on here has lost friends but we have, i really dont know why but i guess some people just cant handle someone being sick. Over the last 8 year everything has changed i dont know how to make it stop. What i mean by things have changed is my feeling towards my husband, from a 2 income family making 6 figures to a 1 income making less then 1/2 of what we used to make with the same bills. I am lonely, depressed, stressed like you would not believe, confused, frustrated, annoyed, hurt, mad, sad, and scared of what the further holds. For the last 8 years i did a good job of holding my family and myself together but recently it feels like it is getting harder and harder each day.
This is what has been going on with my husband, he was told he had oral cancer of the tongue and neck in 10/05. I wont get into a long drawn out story but in the last 8 years he has had chemo, radiation, was in icu for a month with a blood infection from his port, pneumonia many times, kidney failure for 6 months, developed chronic pancreatitis, avascular necrosis, 20 total surgeries including 2 hip and 2 shoulder replacements, feeding tubes which he is on right now, he has dysphagia he cant eat food. He just got out the hospital again after a month stay. His pancreastis is causing major problems to where they put stents in his pancreatic and bile ducts but that is a whole new problem they came out after 2 weeks they caused an infection. i cant even count the number of times he has been in the er and or admitted to the hospital in the last 8 years it to the point that all the nurses and doctors know us my first name and we know them by first names, its actually pretty sad when you think about it the hospital is like our second home.
I dont know how much longer i can be the strong one or how much more i can take everyday brings a new problem with my husband and i am getting to the point i dont want to deal with it anymore, i just want it to go away and turn back the clock to 8 years ago, but i know thats not gonna happen. We have not been a husband and a wife in probably 5 years we have not shared a bed in as long he sleeps in a hospital bed in the living room. He is more of a patient to me then a husband. I know i took vows when i married him and i want to stick to those vows but like i said i dont know how much more i can take or how much longer i can last. I hope i dont sound like a horrible person but this is how i am starting to feel and am scared.
I feel like i am the only one who feels this why and i feel horrible about it.