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mharper
Posts: 4
Joined: Apr 2013

After talking with a cancer survivor who had also been a caregiver to his wife who had MS,  it was suggested I seek opinions from others who may have faced same relationship issue I am so I'm keeping my word by posting my question here which is,  is it a bad idea to follow through with marriage plans when doctors say you will not recover?

My best friend's opinion was that terminating the engagement would be an act of love and spare us both misery in the end but I cry every time I practice saying the words that I want to end our relationship. 

Someone has to have faced this problem. Would it be better to write a letter? I can't bare the thought of being a burden on someone I love so much.

mharper 

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grandmafay
Posts: 1610
Joined: Aug 2009

First, I am sorry you are facing cancer. Second, I think you are asking the wrong people your question. There are only two people who  should make a decision about marriage plans, you and the person you are planning to marry. Please don't make this decision alone without consulting the person you plan to marry. Too, remember that new drugs and protocols that could prolong your life are being found on a regular basis. None of us know what the future holds, not even the doctors. When my husband received his dx of stage four colon cancer, the average survival was 22 months. He lived for 6 years. If we had put our lives on hold waiting for his death, we would have missed out on so very much. i cherish those 6 years and the memories we made. Yes, it is hard to lose the person you love and to watch them suffer at times, but I felt, and still feel, that it was a privileged to be his caregiver. I know not everyone feels that way. It is a very personal choice. I would encourage you to read through the Caregiver board here and pay particular attention to those who feel pushed away by the person they love and how hurt they are. Then talk with the person you planned to marry. Make a decision that is right for both of you. Forget what your friends say. Forget what I say. If you love each other enough to consider marriage you should be able to discuss life and death. Decide together. Take care, Fay

Ladylacy
Posts: 457
Joined: Apr 2012

Talk this over the one you love, not with your best friend.  This is a decision the two of you need to make.  Don't shut him/her out.   This is not a decision you should make on your own.   If possible get counseling.  

As far as not being able to recover from cancer, you don't know and neither do the doctors.  My husband has been fighting cancer for 3 years and just recently decided that he would not undergo further treatment.  This was his decision and his alone but I am standing by him.  The doctors will not tell us how long he has because they don't know and you don't know either only God knows.  People do survive cancer even when told they won't.  You will need the support of those that love you around you during this time.  Treatment is hard and support is great to have.

Wishing you the best -- Sharon

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