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A very hard night

VivianLee5689's picture
VivianLee5689
Posts: 546
Joined: Aug 2012

I am having a very tough night.  I got the death certificate for David today and just got our wedding pictures developed yesterday.  I miss David so much.  My heart hurts.  Sometimes I feel like it is going to be ok, but tonight is not one of those nights.  Please pray for me.

TheOtherDitto
Posts: 57
Joined: Apr 2012

Vivian.  You are going to have nights like this, when you are sad and missing David so very much.  You had another piece of that reality slap you in the face today when you picked up his death certificate.  My brother and I were the main caregivers for my mom when she was sick and then passed from lung cancer back in 2005.  I had my brother deliver the death certificates to the people that needed them but I haven't even read it yet, let alone look at it.  My 23-yr-old nephew passed in 2004 due to an ATV accident and his death cetificates are still sealed in the envelope they came in.

It's ok to be mad at God, he understands your pain and knows that anger is just another step in the grieving process.  He is there for you and will help you get through this tough period.  You won't be the same when you come out the other side, but you will survive it.  You don't ever get over it or totally heal but you do learn to go on with life and will find your "new normal". 

Extra hugs and prayers going up for you during this time.

Diane and Doug

VivianLee5689's picture
VivianLee5689
Posts: 546
Joined: Aug 2012

I find it interesting that you discuss anger.  I very rarely discuss anger.  I don't like it and hate confrontation; however, I am angry.  I didn't have a healthy David.  I had the David who needed me as a caregiver and then was taken from me as quickly as he was given.  I don't understand why God chose me.  I really believe I was chosen to help him in this season of his life, but why me?  Yes I loved him, yes I watched out for him and tended his every need, but why me?  Why did I get to print our wedding photos after David's passing?  Why does he not get to sleep next to me or have an argument with me over something stupid.  I am hurting.  I gave David all of my heart and now I feel a deep wound.

Skiffin16's picture
Skiffin16
Posts: 8069
Joined: Sep 2009

In listening to you about how David's family is toward David and you, and absent for him in his greatest time of need.... I'm pretty sure I know "Why You"...

David needed you, someone especially chosen for his circumstance.... And somewhere down the road, I'm pretty sure you and David will be together again, and in a glory you'll never regret having had to wait for.

Why you....

Because you were the best person, and hand picked...

BELIEVE...

John

TheOtherDitto
Posts: 57
Joined: Apr 2012

because he knew you would love David with your whole being and give that gift to David before he ultimately was called home.  You were David's advocate when he was too sick to do it on his own; God placed you there because He knows you.  I'm sure there is a lesson in there for you also; you just need to figure out what it is.  You say David helped you strengthen your relationship with God by seeing David's faith in action.  You have also said that you were a counselor at a school and thought you knew what grief was but that you really didn't until now, after you experienced deep grief and loss yourself.  That realization will make you a more empathtic and compassionate counselor if you choose to go back into that field.  You will be able to relate to your students in a way you haven't been able to before; and not just your students but anyone who crosses your path that has experienced grief and loss as you have.  That in itself is a gift, even though it came at a high price to you.

Diane

Skiffin16's picture
Skiffin16
Posts: 8069
Joined: Sep 2009

Vivian, you are in my prayers tonight and for as long as you need them..

I can't imagine what you are going through, and to have little to no local support...

Just know that it is similar in theory to our recovery...

Very slow..., measured in weeks and months. A few steps forward, and every once in awhile a step back... Those back steps come a lot more often initially than we like. But with time, they spread out more and more...

It doesn't mean you will ever forget David, he will always be with you and a part of you... Just your pain becomes more tolerable, and eventually you will put it to the back seat and only bring it out on occasion.

But tonight..., prayers are with you...

John

nick770's picture
nick770
Posts: 195
Joined: May 2012

Cry I'm very sorry for your loss 

VivianLee5689's picture
VivianLee5689
Posts: 546
Joined: Aug 2012

Thank you so much for your kind words.  I just miss him so much.  I know it was hard work while he was alive, but well worth the effort.  He was the sweetest. most loving husband I could imagine.  He fought a great fight and tried to stay here for me.  I remember having to tell him he didn't need to stay and tie up loose ends for me because I was a very capable woman.  I meant it when I said it, but tonight I just want to hold his hand.

alaskanjan's picture
alaskanjan
Posts: 42
Joined: Apr 2012

I believe that the hardest thing we ever have to do is to say to someone we love, "It is ok, I will be ok, I love you enough to let you go".  You were there for him when he needed someone to trust and believe in.  He did not expect that you could make him well, but rather to be there to support and love him which it would seem you did very well.  My sincere thoughts are with you to believe that your spirit will heal, it will take time but David would want that for you.  I hope that you can take it one step at a time and be kind to yourself.

CivilMatt's picture
CivilMatt
Posts: 2920
Joined: May 2012

Vivian,

Praying for your healing from this loss.

Matt

MICH4EL's picture
MICH4EL
Posts: 73
Joined: Mar 2013

Vivian,

I lost my mother last year and I and my Dad miss her a lot, but it was also nice to know that she found peace after the years of suffering due to her illness.  My Dad feels his lifelong companion is still present with him and he feels her company now when he visits places they enjoyed together.  Even though he misses her, he celebrates their life together as much as he can.  It gets easier with time.

M

   

NJShore's picture
NJShore
Posts: 411
Joined: Nov 2012

Vivian,

As I read all the responses this morning, I could feel the out pouring of love for you and it's very touching.. I am good at hiding tears, but not this morning!

I am so sorry you are having to go through this, yet as everyone else has noted, I think David is right beside you, smiling that his brave woman is doing as well as you are.

I just want you to know how much we care, and how you are in our thoughts every day.

I pray for the strength you need to get through to easier days, and that you find comfort on those along the way.

Hugs,

Kari

ps - need help plotting that trip through the west coast? I feel a late evening call coming up this week, while I still have a normal voice!

cureitall66's picture
cureitall66
Posts: 860
Joined: Aug 2012

Vivian,

We would be silly for saying that you wouldn't have some tough days. But, as others have said, you will get through them one step at a time. The tougher days will get further apart.

And yes, I truly believe "you" were hand picked by God for David. David was able to "love" someone so deeply and have her right by his side to help him pass over to the other side....and not be alone. You were the brave, caring, loving soul that did that! God knew he could count on you. 

There will be times when you will feel that you don't know how to move forward, but trust in God that you will be moved peacefully through each day.

It sounds like your kids are around you more right now then I've heard you mention before.....and if you're like me....you will reach out more to them than you ever have during this trying time. They, no matter how old, always give us the love and comfort a mother needs even during trivial times...whether they know it or not. I encourage you to stay close to that right now.

I'm sorry that your having a tough time...but, we'll always be here to pick you up if you need it.

Prayers and thoughts for you,

~C

KareGiver
Posts: 290
Joined: Apr 2011

I share these words that were written to me and which I put on Randy's memorial card:

 

No time on Earth is long enough to share with those we love

Or to prepare our hearts for goodbye...

 

Be gentle with yourself.  Sending you a bit of strength for each day.

 

Lynda

 

debbiejeanne's picture
debbiejeanne
Posts: 2371
Joined: Jan 2010

Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

God bless you, vivian.

dj 

Grandmax4's picture
Grandmax4
Posts: 583
Joined: Dec 2011

you'll go through include anger, I foundmyself looking at other couples with jealousy and dislike, how dare they try to comfort me, when they had no idea of the pain I was in. Luckily, I had my kids and a very close knit family and in-law family. It takes time to grieve and no 2 people do it alike, give yourself time, be selfish and think only of you~~cry, scream, what ever it takes...it will help when warm weather gets here and you can get out more, going back to work and making new friends will be a step..forgive others for the wrongs you suffered, if not, it will grow like an ugly beast. As always, your friends are here and will help however they can.

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