CSN Login
Members Online: 11

i wish i could have my mum back

kezbird
Posts: 1
Joined: Mar 2013

on the 28th january this year my mum lost her fight with cancer. she was just 55. my mum was my life. she was my best friend . no matter what problems i was going through she was always there to give me a hug and tell me every thing would be ok. Now is the time i need that the most and she isnt here to do that. i feel like there is a void in my life that can never heal. My sister was planning her wedding at the time and mum missed it by just 2 weeks. people say to me time is a healer but right now i feel like i will never get over this. there has been times since loosing mum that i have a smile and then i stop and feel guilty as she is not here to smile with me. I miss her more as every day goes by as i know that i will never see her or hear her infectious laugh again. 

Hatshepsut's picture
Hatshepsut
Posts: 340
Joined: Nov 2006

I'm sorry to read of your loss. I wish it were otherwise for you.

I'm certainly not the poster child for healing, but, for me at least, the raw emotion of the death of my husband has dulled over time. 

As you've noted in your post, the realization of the finality of one's loss is a tough lesson. I remember stopping time and again and listening to the small inner voice tell me that this just couldn't be happening to me. How was it possible that I would never see my husband again? But, of course, it was sadly true. Accepting that fact is a key part of healing.

 

I hope you find some healing soon. 

 

Hatshepsut

james1978
Posts: 1
Joined: Apr 2013

Same here. When my mom passed it was like this huge dark curtain closing seperating me my dad and brother from the audience. What an ordeal though! I just remember her being a great mom, she was not always politically correct, not always friendly, but we had food every night on the table with barely any income- my dad got a job building homes but saw nothing from the owners.... Mom and dad would fight here or there-fueled by finances but me and my little brother felt like we were kings most of the time....life was ok. Then we got older....... In 2005 I graduated college got married- mom gave me half for the ring we went together to pick it up, it was awesome. We moved to NC mom got sick,- got surgery to remove a mass in her stomach, we moved back home to MI and kept getting sicker. The doctor and her agreed to stop anything because they found a mass in her liver. I guess every one agreed she will live out the rest of her days???? She died right there in our old houses' living room. She was dieing day by day. A woman who played softball,volleyball,horseshoes, she even helped me on a couple of heating and cooling jobs was dieing on this hospital bed. I was amazed. This woman who was stuck to a bed or wheel chair and could only watch my daughter crawl around on the ground when she first started crawling and could not hold her...really.... she had a hard shell but man when it came to babies, especially mine her first and only granddaughter, when she was a newborn my mom would not leave her side. And now she could only watch...again...really.... so this is the f ing plan? Then the pastor asked if we could insure her that it was ok to go....my moms eyes could track me but she lost so much weight she could not hug me or even speak or nod only move her eyes. So my dad asked hey buck (my nickname) could you tell your mom that everything will be ok and it is ok to go. I remember that day she was looking at me... I could not look at her I was looking out the window, it was summer beautiful outside, there where little girls playing on a sidewalk. I looked down at mom and whispered it was ok and everything here will be fine. She cried..... I thought you will never see my grandkids grow because of this disease we cant handle... I wanted to say no you cannot go all you wanted to do was be a grandma..... now no matter what anyone says my kids will never know her.

It has been so tough without mom, my dad is never home, he cannot ever take the kids because of how far away we live from him. My brother is never around... No one will call me or the kids from my side with wanting to just talk to them, no one that I know asks me how are they doing... I dont have any support. I know mom she would have called every day.

It has been a whirlwind of poop an crazy timeline starting in 2003 I guess if you look at it...

2003 Father in Law dies of cancer at 63, 2005 move to carolina,2005 mom gets sick-surgery-heals?,2006 move back mom sick again but heals?,2007 daughter born,good job doing good, end of 2007 mom very sick, summer 2007 mom passes away at 53,2008 lose good job,2009 my 1st son passed away do to complications he had with the umbilical cord,2010 2nd son born no one comes to see him from my side until the second day-just because to busy,and the list goes on man!!!!

I miss mom.  

Natalie19
Posts: 9
Joined: Jun 2013

My mother passed away age 39 on the 13th of feb 2013 at 10.48am 

she was diagnosed with cervical cancer only a year early .. It was the hardest year of my life but nothing was harder than now after she passed just over 3months ago . 

 

I am 19 years old I have a brother who just turned 16 on the 3rd of may and my dads not in the picture my parents divorced 9 years awas Memories of my dad are not fond he was cruel to my mother she had a hard life growing up married at 16 had me at 21 . My mother raised my brother and I on her own it was a hard she was my best friend my only friend and I miss her So much I wake up every morning wishing it was a dream I miss her smile her touch her voice she was taken away from me too soon I'm soon to graduate Uni and she won't be there I can't comprehend her death I was a ghost at her funeral Im confused and I miss her so much I'm angry very angry I don't no why I'm angry at god I'm angry at life and everyone around me . I question why and I beg for her back there is not a day that goes by that I don't cry for her nobody understands and that annoys me I left my boyfriend because he dosnt get it I don't no what's wrong with me I feel his comfort isn't enough he tried but I push him away and I'm angry he dosnt try hard enough it's like nobody understands my mothers not with me anymore

 
All I hear is time heads all wounds in time everything will be alright what people don't understand is that time is the only thing I don't have with my mum anymore and I hate the word time , time with my mum has been taken away from me and I hate life I hate everything for it I just want to hold her hand. 
 
I break down everytime I think about her being diagnosed I hate remembering what cancer did to her and the way she changed and  she deteriorated I hate how cancer got her so sick ! And how she was in so much pain ! 
 
The hardest thing I remember was her last few weeks she stopped talking and responding to us .. Her eyes rolled semi back with yellow pupils her breathing got heavy and slow and she just laid there looking at the ceiling from being 39 year old energetic healthy friend to me doing everything together I'm angry I took her for granted I'm angry at myself I'm angry at cancer I'm angry at myself for being a spoilt teenage growing up and not appreciating my mother as much as I should've I am angry at myself for not doing of saying the things I should've . The hardest was knowing she could hear us but not being able to respond you could see it in her face how frustrated she was that she couldn't respond to us before she couldn't move she used to throw her hands up and sigh because she couldn't talk anymore than eventually she just stopped moving and was only breathing it was hard watching the nurses move her around for her comfort with tears steaming down her face because she was in so much pain I am so angry and can't stop crying I don't no why this is happening to me and I hate how nobody understands me I love her I miss her and I wish she never got cancer why did she have to get cancer she never deserved it ! 
 
 
I often wonder where she is I question everything I want to no she's ok and she's happy and cancer free 
Subscribe with RSS
About Cancer Society

The content on this site is for informational purposes only. It is not a substitute for professional medical advice. Do not use this information to diagnose or treat a health problem or disease without consulting with a qualified healthcare provider. Please consult your healthcare provider with any questions or concerns you may have regarding your condition. Use of this online service is subject to the disclaimer and the terms and conditions.

Copyright 2000-2014 © Cancer Survivors Network