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humor anyone

VivianLee5689's picture
VivianLee5689
Posts: 546
Joined: Aug 2012

Well I am sitting in the hospital watching David sleep which he has done all day.  I could use a chuckle if you could amuse me.

rachel12yrsuv's picture
rachel12yrsuv
Posts: 429
Joined: Feb 2013

Vivian,

I am racking my head for a joke right now and none are coming to me...have you seen that commerical where the cop pulls over a pig and asks do you know why I am pulling you over, and the pig says, because I am a pig driving a car on the street? I don't know that always makes me laugh. Or I could tell you the countless times I fall down on my om my butt, apparently if its sticking up my dumb feet find it and down goes Rachel. Or I could tell you how I got into an accident, left my xterra in gear(stalled, I thought dead) and went to see if person I hit was okay, within a minute my truck starts roll and at 40 I think I am Tom Cruise in Mission Impossible and run and catch my truck, open door not strong enough to pull in so I get drug down and run over by my own truck, and jump right up, from foot to shoulder and stand up outside a church, when I get home I told my family right after that, my Guardian Angel went to God and said I quit this girl is entirely too much work. I know it sounds bad I got ran over by my own truck, buts its funny, my own truck ran me over, are you. Laughing Vivian.

Hold on to David, my friend, and laugh, and smile and love. You can grieve later, live now!

I don't know you peersonally, but I love you as a caretaker of a Hero!

Rest your head in the lap of God,

Rachel

luv4lacrosse's picture
luv4lacrosse
Posts: 1369
Joined: Jul 2010

Viv, humor is a positive outlet for what we go through, especially caregivers. I have always said and always will say thate having cancer is the easy job. I knwhat his is much easier said than done, but maybe try to take some time to do something for you that will make you smile or laugh. When I was at my worst sleeping allot, I insisted thaty wife get away from the situation and live her life if even just for a few hours or an evening out with the girls. I know David loves and cares for you more than life itself, and I have to think he would agree with me. I also agree with Rachel when she says "you can grieve later, so live a little now."

I know again this is easier said than done, but give it a try.

We are all here for you.

Best

Mike

 

fishmanpa's picture
fishmanpa
Posts: 1098
Joined: Jan 2013

Hi Vivian,

I don't know what type of sense of humor you have. I tend to laugh at a wide variety of things from cerebral to just plain "huh"? I'm also thinking you're there with David and with everything going on, you have to be mentally and physically drained. So I came to the conclusion you need to see something incredibly silly that just makes you laugh because of it's contagious nature. 

One of the funniest TV moments of all time is the Elephant story from the Carol Burnett show. I know my eyes water and my nose starts running no matter how many times I watch this. They say laughter is the best medicine.... I hope you laugh :)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3qqE_WmagjY

"T"

Tim6003's picture
Tim6003
Posts: 1490
Joined: Nov 2011

I guess this is not funny, but maybe will bring  a smile to your face .......I hear and see your posts, here and on caringbridge and I get amazed at the bond, your love, that you and David share.  In the short time you two have been together you have no doubt experienced the same as a couple who has been married 60 years (I mean that respectfully).

The fact that you asked for humor at this moment shows your shear strength and human side all at the same time.....I think you should show up in the hospital with a cape on one day for you and David ....the two of you are certainly superheros!

Still praying!

Tim

AJW1966
Posts: 69
Joined: Nov 2012

Don't know if you like George Carlin but here goes:

 A few statements to ponder...George Carlin quotes:

1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes...why do we still have monkeys and apes?

5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the
bad girls live.

6. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, Where's the self-help
section? She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

7. What if there were no hypothetical questions?

8. If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no
woman around to hear him...is he still wrong?
(yes)

9. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it
considered a hostage situation?

10. Is there another word for synonym?

11. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do 'practice'?

12. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"

13. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

14. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

15. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

16. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

17. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

18. Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

19. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

20. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

21. How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

22. Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

23. What was the best thing before sliced bread?

24. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

25 . Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

26. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

27. How is it possible to have a civil war?

28. If God dropped acid, would he see people?

29. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?

30. If you ate pasta and antipasti, would you still be hungry?

31. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

32. Whose cruel idea was it for the word 'Lisp'to have an 'S' in it?

33. Why are hemorrhoids called 'hemorrhoids'instead of 'assteroids'?

34. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

35. Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

36. Where are we going? And what's with this hand basket?

37. If the 'black box' flight recorder is never damaged during a plane
crash,why isn't the whole damn airplane made out of that?

38. Who makes better lovers? Republicans or Democrats? Democrats of course.
Have you ever heard of a good piece of elephant?

 

yensid683
Posts: 222
Joined: Apr 2012

David and Vivian moved from Kentucky into the frozen white north, adopting it as their new home.  In order to fit in and find things to do in the cold and snow they decided to take up ice fishing.

After a trip to the sporting goods/bait and tackle shop, they had all of their equipment.

One day they decided that today was the day to try ice fishing.

They got out on the ice, pulling their sled and found a nice spot all to themselves.  David picked up the ice auger to cut a hole in the ice and had just set it onto the ice surface when a voice came out of nowhere.

"There are no fish under the ice"

Both of them looked at each other, not sure they'd actually heard it.  David set the auger down and looked around, he didn't see anyone so Vivian said, "I don't know" and prompted David to try again.

David picked up the auger and didn't even get to set it on the ice when the voice came back, this time a little more strident...

"There Are No Fish Under the Ice"

Now they both know that they heard this voice, so setting the auger down, they looked around to see who might have said it.  They were utterly alone, not a soul in sight.

David picked up the auger a third time and the voice came back yet again...

"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE"

"God?"

"no, the rink manager, there are no fish under the ice".

 

I heard this one a number of years ago and even used it to pick on the head of my MBA program when I did my dissertation several years ago. 

 

I hope it brings a smile to you and David at such a dark time.  God will hold you both in his arms and give you comfort, all you need to do is accept his love.

 

Peter

VivianLee5689's picture
VivianLee5689
Posts: 546
Joined: Aug 2012

I really needed at least a smile. With David sleeping 20-22 hours a day I am in a quiet hospital room alone wondering how much longer we have together. It is nice to get a little break once in a while. 

vermontgirl's picture
vermontgirl
Posts: 66
Joined: Nov 2012

Vivian,

When my son was 4 and my daughter was 3, we were shopping in Hannafords in December.  They were in the front of one of those huge toddler shopping carts and irritating each other.  As we go aisle by aisle, their discussion/argument picks up volume and they are yelling about whether or not Santa is a boy or girl.  My son is adamant that Santa is a boy....he has a beard, he looks like a boy and then he yells...Santa has a penis!  To which my daughter yells back, Santa has a vagina!  No urgin on my part made any difference to get them to stop this very loud debate which was drawing lots of attention.  I finally said, I think Santa has both.  That stunned them into silence.....and probably scarred them a little.

There is also the time ....again at Hannafords which turned into the place  my kids liked to embarrass me.....that I was buying cream for my 2 year old daughters yeast infection.  my son clearly thought the cream I was buying was something really special so he waited until we were in a very busy chout one line to announce "Mom, it's not fair I have a penis.  I want a vagina."  And a funny man in front of me said, "me too."

Or when my daughter was an infant and again.....Hannafords....I was at the deli with both kids.  My son out of the blue announced, "mom, I want To pump your boobies."  He loved to watch the breast pump machine witthe tubes tubes.....not necessarily my "boobies".

I grew to have PTSD about going to Hannafords......

 

Hope I gave you a chuckle.  hang in there.  You are an amazing inspiration and example of true love.

 

VivianLee5689's picture
VivianLee5689
Posts: 546
Joined: Aug 2012

Kids say the darnedest things.  My son was mad at me when he aaas almost three because I wouldn't buy him something in Walmart. He started to throw a fit so I picked him up and started carrying him out. He started screaming, "your choking me, your choking me.  Well I started to get glances from customers but after they saw my hands were no where near his neck they smiled. On the way out I bought my 5 year old a sucker for being good. She ate ionion front of him and said, "you could have one if you behaved, you need to know Mom always wins. Lol

Billie67's picture
Billie67
Posts: 834
Joined: Jul 2012

Well I will do my best to make you smile a bit, I think it's cute anyway.

These two stories take place at my work; Pre School.
When my own son was in Pre school and in the room right next door to mine, his teacher was asking each child during roll call to state their whole name and then put their card in the basket to signify they were present in class. So all the kids were telling her their whole names. When it was my sons turn he simply said "my name is Tanner" so the teacher kept saying "Tanner what?"
He just kept saying that was it. She asked him every way she could, what's your whole name, do you have a name from your dad, do you have a bigger name?, every thing she could think of. She finally came next door and got me. So I come over and she again says, "Tanner your mom came over to see you tell everyone your whole name" to which he says "Taaannnneeeerrrr" like she's dumb or something. I give him a look of, "are you kidding me here" and he says, (here's the cute part)....."ooohhhh you mean my in trouble name!"

I think it's cute and I always think of it when we ask our kids in class to say their whole name.

My next story, I hope I can do it justice.

I was doing "share time" with my students. Of course many dolls, trucks, a purse, stuffed animals and whatnot are in the share box. When it is all empty I tell the kids, "well that looks like it boys and girls" and at that time the sweetest little girl Allyson or "ou-wa-son" if she says it, raises her hand and says "I have some~fing to sha-oh"
Poor Allyson has a problem saying her L's and R's, so keep that in mind while I finish my story.
So I ask her to come up to the front of the room and share.
She points to shirt, which is a Disneyland shirt with a picture of Tower of Terror on it and she says (I'll do my best to spell it the way she says it),
"this is my sh-ow-t and I got it Disney-wand & it's got Touwa of Te-wa on it."
So I ask her if she rode on it and does she like the ride to which she says yes! She goes on to say how fun it is and she went on it 3 times!
So I say to her, "so Allyson did your whole family go on it with you?" and she says..."Dust my dad and my bra-tha but not my mom because it
sca-ohs the hey-oh out of hoe"
Translation: just my dad and brother but not my mom because it scares tbe hell out of her!
I almost couldn't contain myself! It was so funny with her little speech struggles. Her mom turned bright red when I told her, haha

Well I hope I did that story justice and I hope I could maybe bring a little smile to your face. Continuing to pray for you my friend.
Billie

debbiejeanne's picture
debbiejeanne
Posts: 2219
Joined: Jan 2010

how do u make a tissue dance?  put a little boogie in it.

I hope you smile.  I'm sorry your days are so lonely.  They must be awful long also.  You and your husband are in my prayers.

God bless,

deb

NJShore's picture
NJShore
Posts: 411
Joined: Nov 2012

Vivian,

Wow, I so want to make you smile, and a caringbridge site full of ESL's joke of the day... and I am not good at this but here goes...

But first, you have to know I am the epitomy of logical (at work, and personal projects, maybe not with anything emotional). On a good day I make Spock look illogical.. so I practically go into tears when I read or tell this one..

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson were going camping. They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke Watson up and said: "Watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you see."

Watson replied: "I see millions and millions of stars."

Holmes said: "And what do you deduce from that?"

Watson replied: "Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it’s quite likely there are some planets like Earth out there. And if there are a few planets like Earth out there, there might also be life."

And Holmes said: "Watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent."

Hope your test went well today..

Hugs, Kari

Duggie88's picture
Duggie88
Posts: 515
Joined: Feb 2010

Now that is right up my alley. I joke around entirely too much.

 

No matter what life dishes out for you you never want to be like a duck flying upside down. You know what happens when a duck flies upside down don't cha?????......................he quacks up

 

Jeff

 

ditto1
Posts: 630
Joined: Mar 2012

(True story, approximately 40 years ago) my favorite Aunt Lola had two boys Toby and Todd, Toby around 4 years old at the time walked in on his mom when she was in the restroom.   She was unaware he had entered the room and mom had just removed her brazeere,and he had never seen her without a Bra, all of a sudden she heard Tobys small voice saying ''MOMMY ARE YOUR BOOBBIES TIRED" needless to say mom locked the door from then on out, amazing what a Bra can do.

CivilMatt's picture
CivilMatt
Posts: 2803
Joined: May 2012

Vivian,

I thought this post  from Tim on 11/14/12 was funny

Matt

 

Hello All ...

For those that sent the pm's. Thank you. I thought I would just post a thread for an update.

Boy oh boy have the last two days given me some good comedic material to write about one day. May I share just a little? Okay, since you all said yes :)

My colonoscopy was yesterday. My hernia surgery today. I'm doing well and all came back looking good.

So for the funny part.

Monday I was confirming my colonoscopy appt. with the registration desk. We jus went t the office since I we are staying at a hotel here in Boise all week.

The lady tells me to show up at 6am for my colonoscopy. I am to come into the (wait for it) ......

...."the south end of the building, which is the rear entrance"

All I could do was stare at her with this HUGE grin and start to lose my composure under my breath...she kind of looked at me with that "deer in the headlight look" ...

She proceeded.....

"and doctor Johnny B Green will be performing the procedure" ...

I lost it. (NOTE: I did not know the doctors first name much less middle initial)

I walked away ....I later apologized ....and explained why I busted out laughing.

I have soooo many more funnies (that's what my family calls these type of things) ....maybe I can share another time. Thanks for listening. I can't wait to get home tomorrow to my fireplace and recliner :)

BEst,

Tim

debbiejeanne's picture
debbiejeanne
Posts: 2219
Joined: Jan 2010

A young couple moves into a new neighborhood. The next morning while they are eating breakfast, the young woman sees her neighbor hanging the wash outside. "That laundry is not very clean; she doesn't know how to wash correctly. Perhaps she needs better laundry soap." Her husband looks on, remaining silent. Every time her neighbor hangs her wash to dry, the young woman makes the same comments. A month later, the woman is surprised to see a nice clean wash on the line and says to her husband: "Look, she's finally learned how to wash correctly. I wonder who taught her this? " The husband replies, "I got up early this morning and cleaned our windows." And so it is with life... What we see when watching others depends on the clarity of the window through which we look

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