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Cancer sucks and I need to vent

janderson1964
Posts: 1528
Joined: Oct 2011

First of all I am sorry about the loss of Buzz. I didn't know him that well like many of you but it was heartbreaking for me to see the picture of his family and imagining all of the heartache they are going through. I understand as a survivor of great loss. My first wife died 14 years ago and my mother died less than 2 weeks after I was diagnosed with cancer. Ther is a guy that I work with whose mother battled breast cancer and then pancreatic cancer. Apparently she just passed away as well. I found out because half of the close knit of group of mangers I am a part of all left early today for the coworders mother funeral. I am sure they didn't tell me because of my situation. So I know it was with good intentions however I SHOULD have been at the funeral.

I mean REALLY? Do they really think I can't handle it. Yeah it would be harder on me than someone not dealing with cancer but I can handle having my abdomin cut wide open several times and over 30 rounds of having poison pumped into me and thinking about death everyday. I think I should be given credit as we all should for being incredibly tuff and resiliant people.

Then I have the added pressure of not mentioning all of the bad news to my wife because she expects me to outlive her which I plan to do as well and I adore her but because of that in times like these you are the only people I can turn to.

 

I love the fact that we can come here and let it all hang out.

 

Thanks for listening

Jeff

jen2012
Posts: 1186
Joined: Aug 2012

I agree Jeff - it does suck.  You have every right to be upset with your co-workers, though I'm sure they had the best of intentions.   I also understand sharing your feelings here.  I feel like our friends and family are great and all, but for the most part they just want to hear "fine" to the question of "how's everything"  I've had very few to vent to and even those I'm careful what I say because i don't want to put too much on them.

That beautiful picture of Buzz's family got to me too - it's just not fair.  I know that is a stupid childish thing to say, but life SHOULD be more fair!  We should have the benefit of good health if we are living the good life.  Let the murders and child abusers suffer the unfairness..horrible to say, I know.  My heartbreaks when I look at our little guy - even if my husband does win this battle, his life will not the same as his older brother and sister.  After 6 months, we are buried in medical debt and my husband just doesn't have the strength and stamina he did before -hopefully that will return, but who knows.  I feel like the baby just has different parents, we are so different know that we were when the other 2 were younger. 

I hope it's okay that I vented on your vent.

I would send a nice card to your co-worker offering a shoulder from someone who understands. 

janderson1964
Posts: 1528
Joined: Oct 2011

Please do vent on top of my vent. That was part of the reason why I started this discussion.

Phil64's picture
Phil64
Posts: 417
Joined: Apr 2012

Jeff,

I hear you!!!  And I agree that cancer sucks!!!

I'd rather think about my children and career and building a barn or going fishing or to some sporting events...  I know we will all die one day, but I hate the thought of that being sooner than later...  And I wish I could say that I don't let the thoughts run through my head, but you know that it's on our minds...

And you also know that we have gone through some sh_t and we are stronger for it too.

Is that some sort of paradox about this disease?  We get both stronger and weaker????  Mentally and emotionally stronger and physically weaker? As we go through surgeries, treatments, test after test, ups and downs, .....

I'm sorry you weren't told about the funeral.  You have a legit reason to be angry.  But then again, what good does it do you to be angry? 

Happy Friday to you!

Phil - day 8 since last treatment and feeling pretty good today! :-)

Sundanceh's picture
Sundanceh
Posts: 4266
Joined: Jun 2009

I've watched pretty close to 300 people check out of here, Jeff...it can get numbing over time.

You'd think it would desensitize you - but it seems to have the opposite effect.  It makes you drill down to your own core and perform a self-examination of Where You Are At - and Why.

It's a funny feeling to watch the people you shared your life with now gone...and you always wonder why you are still left standing.  What was the deciding factor that shifted the balance of power to the other side?

 I'm sorry about the loss of your first wife, I do remember you mentioning her before.  And that must have been very hard to lose your mom so close to diagnosis.  And of course, your co-workers (mgr buds) were probably trying to protect your feelings; although they misplayed it.

Their lack of depth prevents them from understanding that cancer makes us no more - and no less of the core person that we've always been.  But, I've also learned that 'avoidance' makes it so much easier for the folks that just don't really know what to do - or what to say. 

What I would do is call them on it when they return.  Just let them know you're a part of the team - and cancer is a part of your life - but that you don't want to be excluded from events like this where support would be welcomed.  I agree with you that they took a golden opportunity away from you where you could have been of comfort to your other co-worker who lost her mom.

Just get it out there...and by telling them cool and calmly your feelings, I'm sure they won't overlook you in the future. 

And even though women will outlive us - to a certain degree, they do look toward us for direction and a calm port in the harbor in which to drop anchor.  Since I've come back, I've seen a shift in my wife's attitudes.  She's engaging more and I think she appreciates the things I bring to the relationship - though she might not tell me.

When it was all her...it was a big burden...I'm glad to be pulling on my end of the chain once more.

On the people that have passed, I've told my wife about...in general, if she is not aware of who they were, I try and not lay all of that on her.  After nearly 9-years, I'm a living reminder enough for her about the specter of cancer.  I could tell this latest cluster with the scans had taken a little wind out of her sails. 

She was looking to me for direction and called to say how are you doing? 

When I told her it would be alright, it seemed to soothe her...she has met many of my cancer friends and got close to them as well...and their death was hard on her...particularly Jenny's...we spent a few years together. 

So, I try and be prudent about how much I want to lay on her...her life has been cancer...and I can still keep my cancer life, but want to show her another side now...as we've been trying to break the constraints that have bound us.

Always listening, man:)

-Craig

janderson1964
Posts: 1528
Joined: Oct 2011

As always your words are spot on.

Lovekitties's picture
Lovekitties
Posts: 2893
Joined: Jan 2010

The blessing of this site is that we can come here to "vent", share our hopes and fears, and know that others will understand.

As Craig said, I am sure that if you just approach your co-workers to let them know in the future they do not have to "shield" you from other's cancer news, they will realize that you are strong enought to deal with it.

Being on the "up side" today does not keep us from being on the "down side" tomorrow.  Unfortunately, this disease keeps on changing our live from day to day, whether it be loss of a friend, financial issues, tests or treatments.  It is all encompassing.

The best we can do, is try to keep up our strenght both physical and mental, and when we seem to be running low come here for that additional boost.

Venting is good.  It allows the "ventor" to get things out that can't be shared with others, and allows the rest of the board the opportunity to offer back the support we have received in our own time of need.

Marie who loves kitties

Chelsea71
Posts: 1168
Joined: Sep 2012

Hi Jeff,

You should have been at that funeral and you have every right to vent. I'm sure they meant well, but that sort of thing is so frustrating. Someone I actually worked with passed away and I was not told. No one wanted to call me. So, I found out by overhearing a conversation. Did they think I wouldn't figure it out? We are all going to die eventually. Just because some of us are currently dealing with cancer and other illnesses, doesn't mean we should be shielded from reality. I think what is comes down to is that nobody wants to be treated differently. I'm sure your coworkers who were well intentioned will someday recognize their error. One day it will be them who are in your shoes or my shoes and they will likely feel the same way that you feel today.

Don't let it ruin your weekend.

Chelsea

dmj101's picture
dmj101
Posts: 521
Joined: Nov 2011

Jeff,, you know what I have learned here is that we love and care for each other vitually more than anyone else could...

I miss many many people I met vitually here that have passed this last year..

I know exactly how you feel.. my brothers friend died in Nov.. and I knew him and my brother even asked me about how to approach the friend when he announced to him he was terminal with lung cancer but when he died he couldn't tell me.. I asked about him around christmas and he let me know Curtis was gone.. I was upset.. but I know I could have handled knowing..

A friend I went to school with came down with leukemia last summer and passed away last week.. I went to the wake Monday nite.. I was ok and actually it kind of made me feel ok about her passing.. though it does make me wonder why God takes some of quickly and then makes others of us endure years of torture.. My friend was 48 and had 2 teenage girls who really need her.. me I have no kids , no husband,, I would barely be missed.. but here I am still .. I know I should be gratefulll but I am not comforted by that.. Yet some how I pray and talk to God every morning and night thanking them for this day... I guess we are here for a reason and we have to wait to find the reason...

God bless you and love you Jeff.. and vent away.. anytime you need to .. I do..

 

maglets's picture
maglets
Posts: 2396
Joined: Jun 2006

Jeff it is so timely for me as long time survivor that your post appeared....Craig is right and spot on....as we watch all those round us who fall and we are still standing you have to question....why??? I think I have made it very clear that I take no personal credit...not through diet or discipline or exercise.....although I do try to follow some healthy path. There seems to no logical reason ......and again Craig is right....our loss here is very heavy....our loss in everyday life of those gone with cancer is heavy......

There are many many questions about why we survive and sometimes when I find myself babbling on to hubby....I think for gosh sakes shut up....he has to live with this every day .....so I guess yes once again we can afirm the sense of a site like this where we can babble and rant and hopefully the audience will GET us ....

do not worry about venting....people who are new to the cancer game can see us here....alive ....but suffering the condition of being human....

I send you a big hug Jeff....

 

mags

janderson1964
Posts: 1528
Joined: Oct 2011

I think we survive to inspire newbies to the world of cancer. I feel it is my duty to try and inspire others. When I was first diagnosed I talked to a man through the Colon Cancer Alliance who was at the time a 10 year stage IV survivor. What an inspiration for me to fight and realize I could achieve longevity.

I like you try not to go on about cancer and all of me feelings to my wife. She has suffered enough. That is why this forum is soooooo awesome.

Mags I have said before that you are a true inspiration to me as well as Craig and Phil. I am so greatful that you are so involved in this community.

Jeff

janderson1964
Posts: 1528
Joined: Oct 2011

thank you so much for your caring words. I love you and everyone here. I wish we could all hug each other. What a tight knit community this is. Thank God for it.

AnnLouise's picture
AnnLouise
Posts: 276
Joined: Mar 2013

You definitely should have had the option of going to the funeral if you chose to go. I don't like other people making the decisions of what and how much I can handle. Good intentions or not, it was your decision to make. Anyway, I agree !   ~Ann

pete43lost_at_sea's picture
pete43lost_at_sea
Posts: 3915
Joined: Nov 2010

each vent is precious, think about joyful vents!  ( events e vents )

i am venting now.

my last vent will be my best, and then i will rest with many friends.

can a few cells steal our joy ? only if you let them.

so vent and smile at the prize.

hugs,

pete

ps maybe illness shows us life can be a series of joyous events, dwelling on suffering often the past futile and wasteful of this vent!

pps http://petertrayhurn.blogspot.de/2013/03/each-breathe-is-vent-make-it-joyful.html  does this make sense to anyone but me ?

PPPs some joy to share, my wife is learning german, and they are planning to come over in a few weeks.

PhillieG's picture
PhillieG
Posts: 4659
Joined: May 2005

So often people think we can't handle reality. I think we're often BETTER equipped to handle death than most people are... That stinks!

janderson1964
Posts: 1528
Joined: Oct 2011

You are so right when people think we cant handle reality. Well the joke is on them. What could be more real then what we have to deal with on a day to day basis. There is nothing more real to me than sitting face face with your oncologist and have him/her tell you your cancer has returned or progressed. Talk about a reality check.

Yvonne2011's picture
Yvonne2011
Posts: 4
Joined: Mar 2013

I don't know why people think that way, Jeff.  For me, I either dealt with people who tried to shelter me from things or either people who didn't care if my cancer or chemo killed me. 

Helen321's picture
Helen321
Posts: 724
Joined: May 2012

CANCER SUCKS!!!!!!  I've willingly pumped poison into my body.  I have no more butt.  I am going to permanentlyshit (pardon my language) through a hole in my stomach.  I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired and I just want my freaking life back!!!  And I want all of my friends to have their lives back too.  I want this stupid port out of my chest and I want to sleep again.  Well done Jeff. Go to hell cancer! 

janderson1964
Posts: 1528
Joined: Oct 2011

Very well sai Helen.

dmj101's picture
dmj101
Posts: 521
Joined: Nov 2011

You took the words out of my mouth!

barbebarb's picture
barbebarb
Posts: 464
Joined: Oct 2011

Hate this f'n disease and all its anxiety, bathroom runs, fear etc., etc., what is next?
Thank you for allowing us all to vent!

janderson1964
Posts: 1528
Joined: Oct 2011

I think venting is  very therapuetic. Especially here where most people can relate and have experienced the same thing depending on the subject.

janderson1964
Posts: 1528
Joined: Oct 2011

I think venting is  very therapuetic. Especially here where most people can relate and have experienced the same thing depending on the subject.

coloCan
Posts: 1840
Joined: Oct 2009

cancer does................................It don't discriminate!!!!!!!

 

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