Mar 08, 2013 - 8:32 am
Tackstrip posted on a thread about the Voice. As I read through the posts from the beginning, I began to regret doing so.
Normally, I'm a pretty positive, glass half full kind of guy but I'm having a "moment"... please forgive me. I just need to vent.
Being that my voice is SO important to my livelihood as well as my emotional and mental well being, it wasn't pleasent to read about so many having serious issues with their voice. I know, I know, everyone is different BUT the voice issue seems to be a common thread with everyone. I've essentially had a sore throat since December with my first tonsillectomy. Just when I got to the point where my voice was returning I had the second surgery. Both times, there were days where it hurt so bad to speak that I did so in a whisper. My voice is just now starting to return to normal but I still have pain associated with the surgery. And now?... Treatment starts next week and I'm gonna get hit hard due to the unknown primary. Although they'll be sparing irradiation of my larynx, everything around it will be getting hit in various degrees of rad intensity. I was encouraged being able to sing at my benefit but now, with 35 rad treatments on the horizon, I'm feeling anxious (it didn't help that I had a dream I couldn't sing).
My friend, who had H&N BOT cancer and was treated by many of the same doctors on my team has his voice back. It took almost a year but he's Ok. While that is very encouraging, I am, for the first time in this journey, fearful. As long as I can speak, I can do my job. I'm not worried about losing that ability. Even being permanently hoarse would not impede me from speaking on the phone and doing my job. However, I express myself and who I am through my music. Not just through my playing but also through my singing. I truly don't know what I would do if I lost the ability to sing. Also, the surgery left me with nerve issues. Many are slowly subsiding but the left shoulder issues persist. Pain and weakness are about the same as they were weeks ago despite PT 3X a day wherever I am (arm raises and shoulder shrugs). This has affected my playing, not drastically but it is uncomfortable to hold my arm in the proper position for a long period of time. Let's put it this way....if I had to do a gig, I wouldn't be able to play 50 minutes (a set) without having to rest. I know it could take months to regain the mobility from the nerve damage but it's scary to think I may be one of the small percentage that doesn't. Based on my track record.... unknown primary 1-2%... post operative bleeding 11 days out 1%... Normally it's a good thing to be unique, but in this case I have reason to be concerned! ;) Ohhhh... lest I forget... one of the side effects from Cisplatin is hearing loss and ringing in the ears!
Ok... I'm done ~lol~ Time to make the donuts! TGIF! I'm looking forward to the weekend. Two more work days and we're off to Baltimore.