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Random Thoughts

Shell bug's picture
Shell bug
Posts: 68
Joined: Nov 2011

I know it's only a 3 month check-up and it wasn't a scan, but I got a "perfectly normal" yesterday. I will take those words as many time as I can get them.

We have discussed this before, but the PA said you start counting your survival time at the completion of treatment. To me, that makes no sense as my chemo and radiation was considered adjuvant. SEER statistics uses diagnosis date which doesn't make any sense either since the cancer is still there. I'm confused. I think the date of surgery makes the most sense.

I am feeling fantastic. April will be a year since I completed chemo, and I have just started feeling good. Everyone loves my extremely curly hair (or they are being nice) and I am okay with it too. As I was waiting for my appointment at Seattle Cancer Care yesterday, I felt so happy that I had come so far and yet I was overwhelmingly saddend when I saw people suffering. I guess that's what a traumatic experience does for you. I am growing more optimistic, but I'm afraid that if I start feeling too optimistic that I will be utterly crushed if this thing comes back. I know I am at a very high risk, but I will tell you that something told me in my car that everything was going to be okay and I felt so much warmth and safety that tears started streaming down my face. It was real and so completely random.

My oldest son will turn 11 tomorrow and I got to go watch his beginning band concert tonight. It was so precious. Notice the word "beginning." He plays the trombone and it is bigger than he is, it was the most beautiful music I have ever heard.

I don't know why I am so wordy and emotional tonight. Just know that I pray for everyone on here and I hate it that any of us have to go through this mess.

Respectfully,

Rachelle

 

 

 

nancy9
Posts: 35
Joined: Feb 2013

Hi Rachelle!  I am so glad you had a good outcome and are feeling much better.  Everyone needs a little positivity.  I believe something or someone told you that everything will be alright.  Hold on to that feeling.   I dreamt that I had uterine cancer.  I also feel my family and friends, that have passed on, all around me; especially when I have a bad day. 

I had a full hysterectomy in September, just finished chemo a few weeks ago, and began radiation 2 weeks ago.  I have about 3 more weeks of it.  I think that is when I will consider myself cancer free then.  I think after all we have been through, we do look at things differently and moments are more precious.  I used to be a free spirit and then I let my career take over my life.  Not anymore.  Through these last 6 months, I found myself agaiin.  Don't get me wrong, I love what I do but I learned that I need to find balance between the two.  I feel like I am getting a fresh start.  I found my laughter again and life is going to be amazing in my next 40 years. 

 

Best wishes to you!

Nancy

Shell bug's picture
Shell bug
Posts: 68
Joined: Nov 2011

Thank you for your support Nancy!

I am happy to hear that you are finishing up treatment. It is such a huge mountain to overcome. I do believe that our loved ones who have gone on before look over us. I was very, very sick in Jan. 2012 due to some serious complications and I really believe my dad and grandparents were there with me. At one point I felt that I was ready to join them, but then I would think of my boys. They need their mom for a long time as my youngest is only 4.

It's encouraging that you are embracing your free spirit again. It's important to be true to yourself, I'm beginning to realize that again as well.

I wish you the best as you finish up radiation. I, too, had 25 external and 3 internal. I think it was harder on me than chemo, I hope you aren't experiencing the same. It could have just been that I was so weakened from the chemo. At any rate, it's a huge accomplishment to finish and you will feel elation and then begin walking the path to recovery. It does take a while, so continue to take care of yourself!

Wishing you the best,

Rachelle

 

nancy9
Posts: 35
Joined: Feb 2013

I am so sadden to hear how sick you were in January 2012.  I am sure that your dad and grandparents surrounded you, especially when you were so down and ready to join them, but I am glad you realized how much you are needed and fought for that.  My sister-in-law passed away from cancer and left behind 5 wonderful children as well as grandchildren, with on  one the way.  I would visit her everyday after work and we would argue and cry.  She wanted to give up and I wouldn't let her.  I can only now begin to comprehend what she was going through, but I refused to give in to my stage 3 diagnosis.  I will not let this take hold of me.  I am so excited thaht you are beginning to find yourself again.  You deserve! 

I cannot wait to finish up radiation.  The side effects are beginning to kick in full force, but I see the end in sight and it looks so good.  Stay strong!

Nancy

laura25's picture
laura25
Posts: 160
Joined: Mar 2011

Perfectly normal is Pefectly AWESOME! 

I know what you mean about the "start date"  I had a question on that a few weeks ago.  My Gyn/Onc said it was the date of my surgery, which makes sense, but my Hematologist/Onc said its when I stopped treatment.  So depending on who you talk to I am either 2 years or a year and a half out. 

I'm so happy you are feeling well again.  I have to say it took me a full year also.  I felt like I was in a fog, but didn't know I was in a fog until after I came out the other side.   I'm also glad you had the feeling of everything will be ok, embrace it,  its a wonderful feeling.

Enjoy your son's birthday and the concert.  I'm sure you will have a smile a mile wide while watching him play! Have a wonderful weekend Rachelle, you and your family deserve it!

 

Thank you for your post, you made my day! 

Shell bug's picture
Shell bug
Posts: 68
Joined: Nov 2011

Thank you for your support Laura!

I, too, didn't know how foggy I was after treatment until recently. I was just making it, I guess that's all we can do when we go through chemo and radiation and all the other horrible things. I kept waiting for the feeling of gratefulness to come over me, and I think that is what's happening now. I was happy that I made it through, but I was still a little ticked that I got this horrible disease. Kind of messed up my plans for a while. Now that I actually have energy and I am beginning to forget that I have (had?) cancer on occassion, things look so much brighter.

Anyway, my friends have been extremely supportive of me, but I don't like to burden them with things they really can't relate to and honestly people don't like to talk about the "c-word" too much. It's so good to have a place to share experiences with others who have endured so much.

Take care,

Rachelle

 

 

nancy9
Posts: 35
Joined: Feb 2013

I totally undestand about beinng ticked.  In the beginning, I was really scared.  Then I felt like I was being punished but didn't know why.  Soon afterward I felt I was robbed of being a woman.  I will never have my own child or be able to give a man a child (still haven't found Mr. Right).  From there I moved on to being ticked.  I mean I was really angry, it has intereferred with my life.  Now I am at peace with it.  There is nothing I can do to change what has happened to me.  My favorite line is "It is what it is".  I borrowed it from a friend who is battling cancer too.  It rings true to me.  I have to do what it takes to kick cancer to the curb. 

My family and friends have been a tremendous support, but I agree I don't like to burden them with all that I am going through.  They really try to understand and I can tell they won't ask all their questions.  I have explained that I will answer any question honestly without sugar coacting it.  I even joke about the treatments and side effects because that is how we are, a bunch of jokesters.  But if I am not lying down or sleeping, then many think all is good and I don't hurt, no side effects, etc.  And when I am lying down or sleeping, they panick.  LOL  I have to keep reminding them that some days are better than others and I am not one to complain.  I am sure when I am asked how I am doing a ndmy response is "FABNTABULOUS!", it confuses everyone.  LOL  I can't help, I don't like people taking pity on me.  I also don't like to burden them with things that need to be done that I once did for myself.  I am an idependent women who enjoys my freedom.  But cancer robbed me of that too, well for now.

All in all, I look at it this way, I have found myself again and if I lose a few pounds and get better hair then it is a bonus because the real prize is surviving and helping others through it.  That is why I love this site.  Everyone is so helpful. 

SUNGRANNY
Posts: 81
Joined: Dec 2012

Rachelle,

Thank you for sharing your reassuring and profound experience in your car.  I am glad for you.  These can be special and life changing.  

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