Feb 06, 2013 - 5:32 am
I try to be postive, but have been having a hardtime lately. All my Dr's say the the bc is gone (with extensvie surgeries), and everyone around me stresses the importance of a good attitude. I can feel my strength coming back. I took a PT sales job and am having a hard time being 'myself" because I have changed. I am insecure about my ability to succeed, and the idea of someday being independent again. I only work 2 nites a week, and that takes me alot of time preparing, transport, etc. I've posted about cancerbrain, and know I am dealing with almost a handicap as I try to move forward. On top of that, I have this general physical weakness from the bilateral mastectomy and anemic bloodcount.
Since this post'cancer life is new to me, I am kind of lost. My lifestlye has changed and so most of the old friends have faded away. I try not to take this personally. With quitting smoking and not wanting to drink, my habits are different and I am just getting to know myself again. I am just focused on Recovery- healing, nutrition and exersice. Then, sleep. Anything outside of that, I am nervous about whether I can do it, ie. Going out late nite used to be regular. Now, it is a challenge. I used to love to do a roadtrip, now cannot unless planned well ahead of time. I feel vulnerable and what used be a casual phonecall is now a challenge for me. I have to lay down, get my headphones, beverage, and foucs. No more multitasking. I feel a lack faith in myself because this bc really humbled me.
Tonite at my shift, I had an anxiety attack when one of the sharks ( people I work with) stole one of my sales. We work on commission, and I am the new girl. They do this often, but this time I burst into tears and could not stop. I have to learn how to speak up, but I am too weak to be a shark. Even outside of work when I try to contradict someone, or disagree, I get all panic stricken. It takes energy out of me and I start to tremble. I do love the job, the people are nice but it is very competitive. It's not second nature to me, I am a teacher, too. The sales seemed like an easier job for the present time. To my relief, the owner of the company gave me the postion and is sponsoring me, and truly one of my biggest supporters.
With this email, I am realzing that some of my anxiety is trying to "appear normal", like someone without cancer. I still feel a certain amount of shame with the cancer diagnosis, and for some reason feel compelled to hide the fact that it happened. I know that it is a painful subject for most people, so am trying to live my new life in good health and leave the bc behind. This board is my outlet. I tried a support group in person, but it is far away, and exhausting to get there and back, unless I had a chauffeur. That is not so easy. This takes alot longer than I imagined. I am alomst 2 years into it, and had my final surgery in Nov 2012. Getting back up into life again is like starting over. I am getting used to the idea but it is a whole new world.
Thanks for listening, do we ever become comfortable with the bc diagnosis?