Jan 31, 2013 - 11:12 pm
Really glad I found this site..starting to look forward to checking in. I wish they had more info to input like at least the state or country we are from etc. I am feeling a little out of sorts tonight. The past two years have been really hard on me..On Jan 5, 2011 my brother Sam, 56, died of sudden cardiac arrest. Then Jan 2012 my Dad, (he was my stepdad for 40+ yrs and he legally adopted my sister, Mare and I on July15, 2011. I was 60 and she was 52) was diagnosed with stage 3 Pancreatic Cancer. That was so devastating. He never had any medical problems, not High Cholesterol or Blood Pressure. Didn't take any meds or anything. Worked Construction all his life..just the healthiest person I knew really. He was 72 and he had just been retired a few years mainly because he was my Mom's caretaker. She was 81 and had Macular Degeneration and End Stage COPD. My sister, Mare was in Nursing School and working full time plus she lives 2 hours. I was retired so I took him to all his appointments and treatments. I was so honored to do this for him because he did so much for all of us. I was glad to be by his side when he peacefully passed away in his sleep on May 8. Then I also had the priviledge of caring for my Mom who had worked so hard to take care of us as a single Mom until Dad came into our lives. She passed away 7 weeks after Dad on July 1. Obviously she was in poor health but she died of a broken heart for sure. I was happy for her when she passed away because she was where she wanted to be, with her son and her beloved husband. I was so blessed to also have an incredible woman as my mother in law and when she died on Sept 3 it was like losing another mother. Now there is just Mare and I..we are the official older generation in the family. We joked that we were going to together in a fatal car accident while we were on one of crazy, outrageous road trips because there is no way either one of us could handle losing the other. Then I get diagnosed with this round of Kidney cancer. I feel so guilty because I know how hard this is for her, especially on top of everything else. We are so close to each and have been through so many hard times over the years with just each other to lean on.I just have to beat this cancer again because I don't want her to have to go through the pain of losing me too. We are both survivors and extremely strong women but that is because we know the other is always there no matter how bad things got. She and I both have wonderful families too but our bond is something so special and strong there really aren't words to describe it. There were some good things in all this awful stuff too...in August my amazing daughter Meghan gave birth to twin boys, Colton and Ashton. They arrived fat, happy and healthy but she is going to need me more than ever because she also has a 3 1/2 yo son, Brayden and a 1 1/2 yo son Braxton. Four boys under four..I am so blessed. On Jan 22 Mare's, daughter Marana gave birth to a son, Eugene. He is awesome too. Now she has two girls and a boy.Last Sunday I met my son Josh' girlfriend Cara and her adorable little 2 yo Ella..I really like Cara and it honestly feels she has always been a part of our family and I would love it that happens down the road. I still have such a tight bond with so many of my Fire Department Family too. In that job you truly do become family to each other. I cannot believe how many wonderful people I have been blessed to have in my life. But sometimes like tonight I still feel alone because this cancer is in me and the bottom line is I have to dig down somehow and find my strength to fight this fight and win and it can be a lonely place to be sometimes. So many people are praying for and pulling for me and I just have to win this fight for myself and so I don't let them down. And also so that in the future when they need me to do the same for them I can be there. I am also a realist and I know this is not going to be easy and I also believe whatever happens either way is what was meant to be in my life's journey and I totally embrace that too.
Ok, I feel better now...like I said Mare and I have not had an easy life journey but we both feel we are better people because of the things we have endured and gotten through. But we are both positively certain that we must have done something really,really, really bad in our past life and obviously must have done it together, LOL...
I am so glad to be on here and have you all become a part of my life too...Fox you crack me up and everyone is so supportive of each other and it is so good to have so many people to bounce things off of and discuss things with during a time like this.
So I guess I better cut you all some slack and get off here...but Thanks for being here it really means a lot..