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I don't want to be a widow

VivianLee5689's picture
VivianLee5689
Posts: 546
Joined: Aug 2012

I have hesitated to write this, but it is on my mind so often.  I follow three caring bridge pages and as of today, David is the only one still alive.  First BarefootBob and now Randy.  As I read the final journal entries from the spouses I just hope I can have the grace and love for my husband to be able to speak so positively.  I am having a hard time remembering David healthy.  The year we dated his exgirlfriend made me miserable and it is a miracle I accepted his proposal after ruined it.  Our wedding was great for the 15 minutes I saw him.  Then his dad died and then he was critically sick.  He is such a wonderful guy, I just wish I would have been able to know him like everyone else in his life.  I am really sad today.  I feel so bad for my virtual family who have lost two so close together and for their wives, and worried I will be next.

katenorwood
Posts: 1853
Joined: May 2012

Vivian,

I was just thinking of you and David before I got on site.  Oh my dearest girl, my heart is breaking for you.  I can tell you to not give up hope.....mircles happen every single day.  But I'm positive you realize this already.  Yes my heart breaks for all the losses this board has endured, the wonderful people that have moved on to a place of no more pain and peace.  I am keeping David and you in my daily prayers and thoughts....and please remember you are never alone in this fight....we are all beside you holding you up.  Katie

Pam M's picture
Pam M
Posts: 2194
Joined: Nov 2009

It's horrible to have the fear of losing a loved one wash over you in waves - you think you're stronger, and if you just focus on believing, it will be so, and you're doing so well, then another wave knocks you to your knees.  So sorry you two are having to face this fear every day, Vivian.  Hoping both of you can not only have more strength to fight the fear along with the disease, but also that  you never regret believing.

Pam M's picture
Pam M
Posts: 2194
Joined: Nov 2009

It's horrible to have the fear of losing a loved one wash over you in waves - you think you're stronger, and if you just focus on believing, it will be so, and you're doing so well, then another wave knocks you to your knees.  So sorry you two are having to face this fear every day, Vivian.  Hoping both of you can not only have more strength to fight the fear along with the disease, but also that  you never regret believing.

KareGiver
Posts: 291
Joined: Apr 2011

I write this to remind you of your strength.  Randy has been gone only ten days - his memorial service is on the 26th - and I am struggling to remember the struggles.  Hold his hand, tell him you love him.  Yes, it is hard.  I pray he recovers.  Just remember you are doing the best you can and appreciate every moment.  Thinking and praying for you and David.  

Sending love, 

Lynda

Skiffin16's picture
Skiffin16
Posts: 8100
Joined: Sep 2009

You have my prayers as well for a miracle, and a positive direction...

John

CivilMatt's picture
CivilMatt
Posts: 3067
Joined: May 2012

Vivian,

 

You speak nicely of David all the time, keep hope alive.

 

Matt

ditto1
Posts: 634
Joined: Mar 2012

its tough when all we have is words and we just know sometimes its just not enough to fill the void, but that said its with words that we try to hold someone tight that we cannot reach, its with words that we want to somehow stop the pain and make it go away, again it just does not always accomplsh our goal.  My point is everyone on this site including the ones who have just lost their dearest partners want to wrap you in our arms and just hold you and somehow even if for a few minutes make you feel safe and loved..  You have something that is still not over and thats the love you two share, some live a lifetime withhout feeling that.  So I to wish I had an answer a word or just anything to give you just a moment of peace , Diane and I as well as many members of this board have you both in our prayers and will continue to do so.  No matter what happens from what we learned about you over the past months is he is one lucky man to have had you in his life, so lets look forward to sunshine tommorrow with more humor as he expressed today.  Get some sleep and allow us your CNC family pray for you both.  Doug and Diane

NJShore's picture
NJShore
Posts: 411
Joined: Nov 2012

Dear Sweet Vivian,

No one would choose this path.. If we could no one would be here in this special place where we care, and hold one another up... I pray every day for you and David and your miracle.. I think David was so lucky to have met you, and I think God put you right where David found you.

I will pray, you cherish every moment, and we will all be here - right beside you.

hugs,

Kari

luv4lacrosse's picture
luv4lacrosse
Posts: 1409
Joined: Jul 2010

I too get bummed out when I read of one of our family members passing. I'm writing this as I am getting my every Monday chemo, and was off the site for six days and the first post I read today was Randy's passing.

yes we have lost two friends quickly, but David is still here with us bravely fighting onward. Keep that in mind every day, as we are all our own individual statistic.

 

keep the faith

Mike

hwt's picture
hwt
Posts: 1991
Joined: Jun 2012

It is always a difficult time to hear we have lost someone on this site and of late, it's too many too often. It saddens all of us so we can certainly relate to your anxiety. We never know when one of us will be taken by cancer or anything else for that matter. All I can offer is to appreciate the moments together while we have them to be with loved ones. Hoping they are many.  You & David are always in my thoughts and prayers.

 

Candi

ToBeGolden's picture
ToBeGolden
Posts: 697
Joined: Aug 2010

It's an honor to know you; and an honor to know David thru you. (Both of) you have brightened many of my days. Rick.

Tim6003's picture
Tim6003
Posts: 1497
Joined: Nov 2011

Everyone on here said it well.  I can only add that if I ever die of H&N cancer, I woud want my online family to continue to live and help others who would wear my shoes.  I know my online family would feel hurt and pain for my family, and I know they would whisper a prayer and send positive thoughts to my family...and what more could I ask for.

 I told my children (at the height of my worst time while going through treatments) "if I die of cancer (or anything else) before you are grown, don't remember me on the date of my death, you remember me on my birthday.  And on my birthday every year you blow me a kiss and wish me a hug and know that I am returning that hug and kiss" ...I told each of my children and wife I expect them to "live  life, I know they will never forget me and one day I will see them again"

I am amazed and in awe of your love for David.  I too pray you are not a widow and could have a wonderful life with a well husband.....but no matter what may come, you are no doubt where you are for a good reason .....David could not have selected a better mate, and I am sure he too wishes you would not have to be in the position you are in.

There is no way to express how badly I (and I know others feel this way) wish we could make it all go away ....all we can do is lean on each other and hold onto our faith. It's not always easy bc we are human, we are not perfect and we feel so helpless at times...

Whispered a prayer even tonight for David's healing, strength and comfort to both of you ..

Best,

Tim

Billie67's picture
Billie67
Posts: 834
Joined: Jul 2012

Please know you are constantly in my prayers. Everyone here has already said everything that I feel. I'm still holding out hope for a miracle.
Billie

Jan Trinks's picture
Jan Trinks
Posts: 470
Joined: Apr 2009

Vivian:

 

I so know how your heart is breaking and mine for you. No you don't want to be a widow; I didn't either and it is so hard to think about it; but on the other hand you are preparing yourself and that's a good thing.  I'm not going to lie to you, I've been a widow for 2 1/2 years now and it's not any easier than it was from the beginning.  Oh, I go on and I do what I think Charlie would want me to do.  And yes, I think my life as I knew it and loved is over for a while.  It doesn't mean life can't still be good it is just different.  I still cry for Charlie and believe I always will from time to time.  He truly was my soul mate.  I remember the day we found out about how bad his recurrence was and when we got home,  I asked him, "I know the answer to this question but I'm going to ask it anyway, Do you have any questions or qualms about where you are headed and he looked at me and answered, "Not at all, I'll be waiting for you!" Oh, I just crumbled, but it is true, he is waiting for me.  I believe and know he's with me everyday.  Yes, he is always on my mind and always will be.  Just cherish every moment you have together, keep praying for a miracle but at the same time pray for what is best for David (and believe me that is extremely hard to do when you so want and hope for a miracle and miracles do happen!)  I will close with this thought, when I called my interim pastor (who had been our youth pastor so I knew her well and she was filling in until our full time interim pastor came) and she told me she would be over after the service and when we would make arrangements she ended with, "and Jan you will get thru this and we're going to help you!" So Vivian, you will get thru this and we're going to help you get thru this; we're always here for you and always will be!  Take care and you and David are in my thoughts and prayers daily! God Bless and be with both of you!

 

Jan (Basketcase)

 

 

VivianLee5689's picture
VivianLee5689
Posts: 546
Joined: Aug 2012

I want to thank everyone once again for listening to me and being there.  I have been in such a dark place lately grieving for the life I thought I was going to have.  I am thankful I have David wih me, but our life will not be how I had hoped when we got married.  i won't have that baby, we won't be traveling and snuggling.  I had hoped he would learn to dance and I would bike ride again.  Now with this plasma cell leukemia even if he goes into remission we will have to be careful the rest of his life.  If we get to bone marrow transplant then we still have the head and neck cancer and the hip replacement to deal with.  He had his bone marrow biopsy this morning.  I am praying for a good outcome.  I know I say a lot on this site and filter less, but it helps me process and move on in the present.  It has been such a privilege to know all of you wonderful warriors.  As much as I hated the BOT cancer, it has given me the opportunity to find great support when I am needing it more than ever.  Jan you are wonderful.  Thanks for being candid.  I want people to be able to be real with me.

VanessaSLO's picture
VanessaSLO
Posts: 280
Joined: Jul 2012

I know I can't understand completely what you're going thru, but I can feel your pain. I know how I would feel.... I'm 33 years old, 4 years married and we have 3,5 years old daughter. So, I feel very vulnerable and scared that something can happen to me or my husband. I am going thru this cancer ordeal with my father (Mom is his caregiver daily, I can only give moral support and advice) and I know that fear of death is present all the time... I'm afraid of dying as I already watched my dear grandmother died of cancer 6 years ago. Getting this diagnose is the most frightning thing to me.

So, I feel how you feel. I think about you and David every day! I know how much you miss the quality time with him, especially because you had no real quality time with him after your wedding. On the one hand you're grateful that he is with you and that you can share the strongest love possible out there. But on the other hand... it is pain, sadness, torture... you want this to end, you pray for miracle, you wish for something... something that will set you free. This rollercoaster of emotions goes around all the time of sickness.

But, please DO know and BE aware that you have a support and friends out there!! If I lived closer (like thousand miles over the Atlantic sea) I would come to you, take you out for a coffee or just for a walk. I wish you can find a light for yourself, because you also need time for YOU! I wish you can find power, freedom and a miracle! Like others have said, you have remarkable love with David right now and hold on to this for now. Live day by day!

I pray for a good bone marrow biopsy results!!! I pray for both of you every day!

I usualy say to myself in moments when I'm scared or when outcomes are not as I want them to be: it must be good for something. God would never give me difficulties unless they're good for something else and I will learn it later.

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