Jan 14, 2013 - 3:08 pm
I am sorry but if I don't get this out I feel like I will explode. I have mentioned that my family consists of my son, my mom; I think I have vented before. My mom is 88 and has her share of health issues. She has rheumatoid arthritis which has crippled her hands and feet but she is still able to do everything for herself. She doesn't feel good a lot of the time. She claims to never sleep although she dozes off all day in front of the tv. She is very negative and thrives on talking about her health issues and any other negative thing she thinks of. She just retired from work after 43 years. She had cut her time down to 4 hours a day, three days a week the last few years. That time when she was at work was the only time I had to feel free in my home.
My mom sits in the living room all day long with the heater blasting and the tv blaring. If anything is said, she replies, "That's how I like it." I am reduced to spending all the time in my bedroom with the door shut. We have a lovely family room where I would hang out when she was at work but now if I sit there I can still hear the loud tv so I don't feel I can listen to music or watch a video like I normally would; at least not without blasting the volume myself.
I am a homebody, always have been. I take pride in my home and like to decorate for most holidays. I have my valentines motif going now. So when I am alone I "putter" around the house. Whether I am washing clothes, cleaning the kitchen, texting friends or reading a magzine I do it in peace. I also have the heater off because I am not that cold and get hot flashes due to medication. Even with the heater off I sweat when I am busy doing housework. When my mom has the heater blasting I cannot do the things I normally would.
I feel animosity towards her and I hate that I feel that way. This morning I went to ask her if she wanted a cup of coffee and she said, "I don't know, I have been out here since four in the morning sick as a dog."
I turned back to the kitchen and said, and a good morning to you, too. She said, what? I said I had brought you a cup earlier but you were asleep. I am ashamed to say I didn't even ask her what was wrong. It just seems like it's always somethling. Okay don't hate me, I know she is old, but I have an aunt who is the same age and has such an upbeat attitude, even with her health issues.
My mom did not really want to retire. She loved her job but didn't really feel up to going anymore. She does have problems with her legs although the doctors haven't diagnosed anything. I knew it wouldn't be good for her to retire because she would just sit on the couch like the days she didn't work. She looked like a different person when she went to work. Much livelier looking, hair combed and not in pajamas. Even my friends noticed.
I try so hard to remain upbeat and not think about my illness. I deal with it and even though the recent results have been discouraging, I don't let it keep me down for more than a couple of days. I don't feel the need to constantly talk about cancer. In fact I don't want to. Right now I am having such feelings of anger, resentment and frustration that I have seriously considered making an appointment with a therapist I use to see.
You are problem thinking, talk to your mom. I wish I could but that is not how the dynamics work in this house. If I say anything she will get mad and I cannot stand that. That is how I was brought up and ufortunately raised my son that way as well. He has free reign to discuss anything with me because I wanted to change that dynamic but he bites his tongue with my mom.
I need to get out more and have many friends but they are either still working or are very busy with their families. I go to Weight Watchers, a yoga class and a weekly hike with my cancer support group but I want to do more fun things. I am turning 65 next month so you'd think I would have this figured out by now.
I am in my room feeling guilty because I know my mom picks up on my vibe. I always feel guilty.
Thank you for lending your ears, so to speak. I really appreciate you all. It's kind of funny that this is all bothering me more than the cancer. Maybe I should be grateful for that.