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Scared more this time

Halfpint32
Posts: 8
Joined: Jan 2013

I finally received my lab results andI am being told my follicular lymphoma has reaccurance in several places this time around I'm quite scared this time around I had it 11 yrs ago and thank god radiation did the trick but now returning 11 yrs later and worse I'm really scared I refused back then to tell a living sole and I still refuse to am I wrong I really don't know if I can emotionally deal with it this time around since it's worse by myself but I don't want anyone to know cause I don't want the fuss sounds selfish but I work in the medical field and when you tell people attitudes change people change and treat you different and I don't want that what do I do?

NANCYL1
Posts: 225
Joined: Jun 2012

I found in May 2012 that I have  mild B Cell Lymphoma in 4 areas,  and am being treated by Rituxan infusions, which is not as strong as some of the other chemo.  Never had lymphoma before.  As far as telling others goes, if you are uncomfortable discussing this at work, perhaps find someone, even a professional, outside your work situation.   For me, it would be hard not to talk to someone about this.  People are very helpful on this board.  Let us know how you are doing.

Nancy

jimwins's picture
jimwins
Posts: 1971
Joined: Aug 2011

Hi Halfpint32 and welcome to the site.  Sorry you are going through this experience but you will find very supportive and caring folks here.  You are not alone and your fear is completely human and normal.

I understand your desire not to tell anyone but I think it makes it harder on yourself not to have someone personally you can talk to who can offer support.  Of course we do that here on the site but we're not exactly talking face to face and a real hug is a lot better than a cyber one ;).  Maybe you can share this with one other person you feel close to and trust?  I can understand the fear about people's attitudes and changing how they treat you.  My question is, do they really matter?  In the long run, it's the people who care about you and suport you who matter.  Cancer will change your attitude too :).  I can honestly say it changed mine for the better in some respects but I don't recommend it as a form of "therapy" ;).

You are welcome here anytime and I'm sure others will respond soon.  Sending you big hugs and warm thoughts...

Jim

epicc's picture
epicc
Posts: 136
Joined: Nov 2012

Halfpint

Are there any support groups in your area that you can attend?  I always find being around others that are going through the same helps a lot. There should be a group at your hospital or cancer center.Checkwithin your local lymphoma society. I will pray for you. 

 

Hugs

Emilu

epicc's picture
epicc
Posts: 136
Joined: Nov 2012

Jim

 

I love those little animated captions at the bottom of your posts!!!  Very cute

 

Emily

jimwins's picture
jimwins
Posts: 1971
Joined: Aug 2011

Awww, shucks, Emily :).  We'll see how long we will be able to add them.  Sometimes just a little something can make a big difference.  I'm trying hard to remember that most of the time.  Hope your mom is doing better.

Halfpint32
Posts: 8
Joined: Jan 2013

Thanks to all of you for your kind words I should know better then anyone that I need support from people and I guess iam living proof that caregivers can't take help or advise themselves lol no on a serious note yes I do have a best friend and there have been  several times I've almost told her but something inside me just can't I feel I fought this battle the first time all alone and I keep thinking I can do it again but something's different my attitude towards things are not me and I'm so stressed and withdrawn from people like my best friend awhile back when I first found out that oh god here I go again why me kicked in made me depressed and so withdrawn my family physician put me on Wellbutrin. I know I need her support as well as others but I have seen what telling people does and I don't want that the fact they will treat you as if you are dying so nice and really show they care but I have a problem with that because I feel if someone really cares about you then they will show you the care you deserve (anytime) not just when they find out you have cancer maybe I'm crazy and these emotions are taking over hell i know they are I'm losing my mind I can feel it I feel like iam trapped here I could go to the support here but it's held in our hospital and there are a lot of people I know who work there and I have to deal with on a daily basis snot hey would eventually run into me I sound awful I know I'm just so depressed I have to try and beat this battle again wouldn't be so bad probably if my lungs weren't so bad I wish the doctor would have kept the risks this time to himself.

jimwins's picture
jimwins
Posts: 1971
Joined: Aug 2011

Halfpint,

I'm glad you responded.  You are not crazy.  We all know what you are going through - it's freakin' awful.  From what you've said, you must work in a hospital setting and are a caregiver of sorts so you probably know this better than most of us from both sides.  It's okay to be human, accept it and allow it to happen.  You have to work through this process to get on an even keel (well as best as any of us can I guess) and yes, medication helps  (Thank God for Ativan).

Perhaps you can find a support group outside of your work setting or work with a counselor bound by confidentiality?  Yes, people who know will probably treat you differently as they did with me.  I learned to accept it and that it was difficult for them too (often not knowing what to do or say). 

Please know we understand, aren't judgemental and embrace you as part of our little whacky family here.  I wish you peace and strength. 

Jim

Max Former Hodgkins Stage 3's picture
Max Former Hodg...
Posts: 997
Joined: May 2012

Halfpint,

 

I saw where Jim used the word "wacky," and figured it was a codeword for me to contribute. ( :}  )   Since you went through this stuff over a decade ago, you are in a sense better prepared to deal with it than many, I would think, although I understand your reluctance to share the diagnosis.

I NEVER HAD ANY such reluctance.  In my view, if someone has difficulty dealing with someone else's illness, that is THEIR problem and small-mindedness.  It was an amazing learning experience, however, seeing how so many people begin to look and interact differently with someone with cancer.  I still have friends three years after treatment ended who will not ask me how I am, asking my wife instead when I am not around.  I guess it is a sensitivity or fear on their part, but it does not seem to carry any ill-will to me, mostly they just don't know what to say.

I would not hesitate to get on some anti-anxiety medication.  Personally, I cannot imagine trying to go through therapy without anyone knowing. You may find your coworkers to be more supportive than you suspect ?  I do not have an addictive personality, but without the anti-anxiety med and Loritab, I could not have made it.  I walked away from both drugs after treatment with no problems at all.  

Lorazepam is another name for the Ativan Jim mentioned. It did wonders for me !

max

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Halfpint32
Posts: 8
Joined: Jan 2013

I did go through this 11 yrs ago thankfully it was caught early and 5 radiation treatments took care of it yes I am a little more equip then others but for some reason it's bugging me more this time around why I have no idea I put my trust in god not just because it's back but I've alwayhaut god first for he can do more than any man can so Ikneel if it's my time to go so may it be. I as many don't of course wanna leave this world yet for I have raised ten children now to wait for grandchildren to spoil. I think my anxiety meds help a little with the fact I don't let the cancer take control over my life that I don't wanna live it iam glad I decided to join because I already feel better just talkng with you all 

Halfpint32
Posts: 8
Joined: Jan 2013

I did go through this 11 yrs ago thankfully it was caught early and 5 radiation treatments took care of it yes I am a little more equip then others but for some reason it's bugging me more this time around why I have no idea I put my trust in god not just because it's back but I've alwayhaut god first for he can do more than any man can so Ikneel if it's my time to go so may it be. I as many don't of course wanna leave this world yet for I have raised ten children now to wait for grandchildren to spoil. I think my anxiety meds help a little with the fact I don't let the cancer take control over my life that I don't wanna live it iam glad I decided to join because I already feel better just talkng with you all 

Halfpint32
Posts: 8
Joined: Jan 2013

Not sure my my post posted twice sorry

NANCYL1
Posts: 225
Joined: Jun 2012

Max:

Just noticed that you said you have friends, who three years after treatment ended, don't ask you how you are, but ask your wife.  Reminds me of my brother and his wife who were here for several hours, and took me and my husband out to dinner last Fall.  (They live a long distance away.)  During the visit they never asked me how I am, but I heard about the minor health problems of their daughter.  Very weird.  But then I try to stay upbeat on the phone with them and write funny emails.  Also, do not get real backup via phone from them, i.e., they do not make a point of calling more frequently to say hi and how are you.  Thankgod for my husband. 

Lorazepam does help.  Also Lexapro or its generic med.

 

 

Max Former Hodgkins Stage 3's picture
Max Former Hodg...
Posts: 997
Joined: May 2012

Thanks forthe interesting story Nancy.  The emotional and interpersonal part of cancer is as odd as the disease itself.

Bless you,

max

Halfpint32
Posts: 8
Joined: Jan 2013

Ha ha Jim thanks for giving me a laugh need that these days yes I actually work for hospice and yes I see a lot everyday from both sides ive seen more than I care to talk about but I love my job and the fact I feel good about making a difference in people's lives before hospice I worked in a nursing home for 15 yrs I understand both sides and even though I'm experienced to deal with this kind of thing I'm so lost for words and so lost on how to even approach my best friend (because she'd be the only one I'd tell if I did) iam lost for words for myself but never with my job why is that? I keep thinking I should keep to myself because if treated early enough it is curable or rather manageable and if telling would worry people I'm like torturing my mind here someone might have to knock me in the head lol

Halfpint32
Posts: 8
Joined: Jan 2013

To: cancer

Ill get right to the point! You suck!! There is nothing nice to say about you. You are mean,cruel and vile! Your destruction needs to be halted immediately! You are my biggest enemy I wish nothing but the worse for you! I've witnessed you destroy love ones and total strangers bond due to you but you won't get a kudos for that! I don't like you ! I've learned that I shouldn't let my guard down because you are sneaky and hide out waiting to attack again without notice! Have you ever considered the aftermath of your damage?  How you have drained people not onLy of their emotions and strength but you've also exhausted their life savings! You have no clue do you? You just set out on a mission to destruct and try your best to succeed I applaud the SURVIORS who BEAT you !!! They kicked you to the curb did it hurt? I hope so!!! I've learned that we should expect the worse but always hope for the best with each new test, exam, X-ray and dr visit. It's also important to make memories along the way cuz we never know what will happen from one day to the next. Support teams are crucial whether they be family members or support groups discovered elsewhere . Accepting life one day at a time is mandatory there will be good days and bad days. Relish the good and learn from the bad. Some are just clueless and fear you I use to fear you but I don't anymore I just detest you that's simpler for me to do. I know you try your best to take us down but I bet you didn't expect someone like me together back up! Yes you have some competition are you feeling a bit inadequate? I've learned to embrace the small miracles.  The tiniest bit of hope is always welcome and appreciated each day we arise ( even though you are festering in someone's body) it's a gift that you could not take away! I've never heard one nice thing about you not ONE!! You suck is my favorite thing and I hear that about you quite often!! One day there will be a cure for you and we all will get to stick it to you for once !!!!

Halfpint32
Posts: 8
Joined: Jan 2013

To: cancer

Ill get right to the point! You suck!! There is nothing nice to say about you. You are mean,cruel and vile! Your destruction needs to be halted immediately! You are my biggest enemy I wish nothing but the worse for you! I've witnessed you destroy love ones and total strangers bond due to you but you won't get a kudos for that! I don't like you ! I've learned that I shouldn't let my guard down because you are sneaky and hide out waiting to attack again without notice! Have you ever considered the aftermath of your damage?  How you have drained people not onLy of their emotions and strength but you've also exhausted their life savings! You have no clue do you? You just set out on a mission to destruct and try your best to succeed I applaud the SURVIORS who BEAT you !!! They kicked you to the curb did it hurt? I hope so!!! I've learned that we should expect the worse but always hope for the best with each new test, exam, X-ray and dr visit. It's also important to make memories along the way cuz we never know what will happen from one day to the next. Support teams are crucial whether they be family members or support groups discovered elsewhere . Accepting life one day at a time is mandatory there will be good days and bad days. Relish the good and learn from the bad. Some are just clueless and fear you I use to fear you but I don't anymore I just detest you that's simpler for me to do. I know you try your best to take us down but I bet you didn't expect someone like me together back up! Yes you have some competition are you feeling a bit inadequate? I've learned to embrace the small miracles.  The tiniest bit of hope is always welcome and appreciated each day we arise ( even though you are festering in someone's body) it's a gift that you could not take away! I've never heard one nice thing about you not ONE!! You suck is my favorite thing and I hear that about you quite often!! One day there will be a cure for you and we all will get to stick it to you for once !!!!

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