Dec 30, 2012 - 5:26 am
It has been awhile since I've written much, everything is going well, according to plan. I am 18 mos out from diagnosis and know that I am lucky, but don't feel complete, yet. Surgery has been my treatment plan with a few lumpectomies followed by a double mastectomy and reconstruction. I am still pretty sore. We are all different, I try to embrace this opportunity to live without cancer. Most definitely, I know that cancer is never done with me. Nothing is certain.
I guess my anxiety is now coming from the fact that I am beginning to understand that I will never be the same, and the future is so unknown. Will I ever feel 'better'? The muscle pain, and emotional pain from this has profoundly hit my core. I have you to share this with because so very few poeple understand. I think my deepest fear is that new people will be afraid of me and not want to associate with me because I am still limited by all this pain and general weakness. So many of my old friends are keeping a safe distance from me, but more improtant for me is that I don't want to be single forever.
It's still hard to do alot of the things that I used to do. Talking is esp difficult, I'm sure that my vocal chords have suffered during one or more of those 7 times in the OR. Doc says they'll get better someday. My voice is alot huskier and maybe that could be a good thing, as it kinda creates a seductive tone. Doing anything with my laptop is irritating because my muscles hunch over too much. I need to keep good posture, otherwise my back hurts. I am thinking of getting an iphone, but sometimes think I just have to accept that I cannot do these things right now.
In my past life, pre-cancer, I was dating and now have realized that my bc has limited my ability to have children, I am getting old and after this ordeal, my body is really tired. I have to hope for the best and know that there are many families out there that I can be involved with. It is hard having life happen so quickly without our control. All of the sudden, my status has changed. By now, I thought i would have my own family.
Yes, I am taking antidepressants along with valium at nite to sleep, because the citalopram gives me insomnia, so I am trying to find this new balance. I am feeling alot of PTSD, loud noises really startle me. My final surgery was last November, so it will be alot easier from here.
The strange thing is that I look great, no-one knows that I have had such drastic medical care. It is has been a wild ride.