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Devastated

donnare
Posts: 266
Joined: Jun 2009

December 28 was one month since my husband, Brian, died.  For me, it feels like an eternity.  I miss him so much I almost can't function.  I was very composed for his funeral, but I seem to be getting worse with each day.  I am surrounded by people that want to help me and my daughters and I just want everyone to go away.  They keep telling me I am so strong, I am an inspiration, Brian would want me to be happy, I have to be well for my daughters, and all I want to do is scream "... where are you, please come back."

I write to him, I talk to him, I post songs on his wall.  I sit and listen to sad songs on youtube that remind me of him, of us.  I don't want to leave my house.  I don't want to answer the phone, I resent having to tell people, and accounts, etc. that he is dead.  I don't want to see the pity and sorrow in people's eyes when they look at me.  I don't want to do anything.  I feel numb and dead inside, and when I do feel anything at all the grief engulfs me like a tidal wave and I feel like I am going to be swallowed up.  

I think about how vulnerable he was in his last days and it breaks my heart.  I don't understand why this had to happen.  What was the lesson I am supposed to learn.  He was only 55 years old, he never once asked "..why me..".  He was an ordinary guy, who loved his family and friends, and deserved to walk his daughters down the aisle, see his grandchildren, retire and relax after working his butt off for his family.  Why did we, did I, have to lose him?

I know I will never be okay again.  Part of me died with him, and it is terrible because I have two daughters, but I wish I could be with him.  I can't take his place, I am a poor substitute for him, and I know they feel like they have to take care of me now, which makes me feel even worse.  I just miss him so much. 

Adida
Posts: 1
Joined: Dec 2012

My mom was 55 also and passed away on oct 20 from stomach cancer metasized to liver, like you, every part of me died with her.  We were very close she was my everything, she embodies everything that is good and noble and raised me to be the person i am.  the first month after her passing, i was just like you, i did not want to face anybody and just want to lock myself up inside the house to cry and just think of her and asking why this horrible disease had to happen to such good people.  I found myself asking so many questions and i did not want to let go.  But i realze i had to, for the sake of my mom if i love her so much. maybe my reply to your post will help you move on, maybe not, but i had to chime in. when someone dies, and loved ones mourn and cry witout willng to let go, your husband can feel your anguish and your negative energy and likely be stuck in the middle realm, where he can not be at peace.  his soul can only achieve peace if you and your daughters are going to be ok without him.  when i think about my moms last days up to her last hours, it kills me, but reality is, you cannot take away their pain, but know at least the worst is over and they now do not have to bear that pain anymore, they are in a better place.  I dont want my mom to suffer any longer and if her life ended early, i will take it, as long as i dont have to continually give her dose after dose of morphine and lorazapam and wait another miserable 10 minutes til pain subsides.  Know that you did your best to care for your husband and it was just time for him to go.  Why are some people cured from their cancers? And some like my mom and your husband are not? just merely a fact that their time in this life expired, perhaps based on their past karmas (i wint go into religion here, some people are not believwrs) no matter what we have to accept, crying and  listening to sad songs wont change the fact that they are gone but it only makes you, yourself entangled in the misery and pain. every dying person wants their surviving spouse and children to go on and live a happy life, maybe in the next lifetime you will meet your husband again.  

you are not alone in feeling all this grief, afterall it is a horrible disease that doe not spare anybody good or bad, young or old. everyone has their own way of mourning, for my dad, it is to be with as many friends and family as possible to pass time, or for something to keep him busy.  For me, i find comfort in being by myself, and praying turning to religion helped m alot.  Afterall, what else do you have left? as long as i found the answers i was looking for. I cried myself to sleep every night, and one night maybe 3 weeks after her passing, i felt my mom answering all my questions, and she said, i cannot hold on to her and rely on her, now is the time for me to let go of her and she assured me she will be in a good place, and that shes confident i will make it.  You just haveto let yourself let go.  you can be happy again, of course things will never be the same, but your husband will be happy to see that you went on and care for your daughters as he did and he will be happy too, smiling from heaven.  

nempark
Posts: 592
Joined: Apr 2010

Hi, my beautiful 40 year old daughter passed at the same time your husband did after one year todate of diagnosis.  I cried from the time of her diagnosis and I am still crying.  When I look back and think of the one year she was sick, I feel that it could have been worse.  She was only bedridden for the last two weeks of her illness and did not lose conciousness until two days before she died. I was fortunate to be there for her all during her illness and up to the end. Devasted as I am, I still think that the situation could have been worse.  What if she was lying in bed for longer period of time, not eating, not talking, and just being in vegatated state?  I miss her like crazy.  But the Bible says in Revelation 21: 3,4 that God will wipe out every tear from our eyes and death and mourning will be no more.

Yes, I know about the grief you are talking about, and how vunerable our loved ones were  in their last days, it breaks my heart and I often wondered how she was feeling inside and what she was thinking.  Please say a special prayer and thank God that you were strong enough to be with him until he passed that alone is a blessing in disguise. Donnare, please remember that this is part of life, but when it hit home it hurts us so badly.  I know for sure, that as time goes by we will surely get better.  I did not want to talk to anyone. I turned the phone off and was just tired of telling people how she was doing, all this is normal and will get better soon.  Please know that I feel the same way, I feel that part of me died  with my girl, but my girl or your husband would not like that, they would want us to go on, especially for your two girls.  You will be okay again.  Let me tell you a story about my brother, he was in an accident with his wife and he was unconcious and she died.  When is was told that his wife died, he was devasted and swore that he will never be happy again.  I am happy to tell you that 3 years later he met a fantastic woman and they are now happily married.

My dear Donnare, please grieve and it's okay to cry, it is still fresh for us. You have to take care of yourself for your girls.  I wish you a speedy recovery and hope you look forward to a healthy future with your girls.  Please remember your girls are grieving too.  I give you a big hug and hope to hear from you.

 

 

 

grandmafay's picture
grandmafay
Posts: 1613
Joined: Aug 2009

I am glad you came here to vent and share your sorrow. I remember those first few  months after my husband died as the worst in my life. We were supposed to grow old together. It isn't fair and its not what we planned. I really struggled. I don't know I f it will give you any hope, but I lost him three years ago. I can tell you that for me, it has gotten better. That doesn't mean I don't miss him. He is still the first thing I think of every morning and the last I think of every night. i am still learning to move on by myself. I have had the support of many friends and family members. My church family has helped me through many bad times. I am a part of a church with many elderly widows. Some have been widowed for many years. Their understanding and advise have been invaluable. I know, I hated that word widow myself for a long while. I now accept it. That has got to be progress. My only advice, and these are not words of wisdom, is to give yourself time. I did write a few things down that I learned during the first few months. I have shared it with some friends. They seem to think it helps. If you would like me to PM you a copy I will. Again, not words of wisdom, just thoughts along the way. Grief is hard work.  Take care, Fay

donnare
Posts: 266
Joined: Jun 2009

Hi Fay, thanks, I would love for you to PM a copy to me. 

Donna

geotina's picture
geotina
Posts: 2059
Joined: Oct 2009

I, too, recently lost my husband to colon cancer on 10/29/12.   I get each and every word you wrote.  My husband also never had a chance to walk his daughter down the aisle, to bounce a grandchild on his lap, to enjoy a much deserved retirement so believe me, when I say I get each and every word you wrote.  Yes, children feel they must take care of you now as mine is acting the same way even though she lives 5 hours away.  But look at it another way, just how lucky we are that we have wonderful children who care and love us so very much.  My daughter stayed with me for a month after my George died and took care of so many tasks for me like changing utilities to my name, changing the car insurance, canceling the cell phone, etc.  While they might be small tasks they were so very difficult for me to do, taking George off of things.   She lined up all the bills that needed to be paid for George took care of everything.  Called companies to get paper bills instead of auto pay or internet bills for we could not crack the password on George's e-mail.  She came to the attorney's office with me, she met with the financial planner with me, took notes and made sure I understood even in my fog. 

There is not a night that I don't fall asleep crying and the lonliness is overwhelming at times, especially at meal time and in the evening but I think that is part of the grieving processs for like you, I am still so very raw.

If you need anything, need to chat, ask questions, etc. please send me a pm. 

Sincerely - Tina

 

Tubbs
Posts: 51
Joined: Jul 2009

I hated - and still hate - changing all the bills and accounts and so forth.  I had to yell at Sprint who kept billing me for my wife's phone after she passed. The first person I talked to there didn't tell me about faxing a cert. of death, so I had to start the conversation all over again.  Ordinarily, I'd just shrug and think 'that's the way it goes.'  When I had to follow up, it was like a form of torture.  I hate saying these words out loud:  My wife has passed away. 

And that's what I have to do all the time to get accounts changed and so forth.

My wife passed over two months ago, and I was doing okay, so I thought.  I don't know if it's the hokidays or what, but lately, I'll be in my house and just break down in tears.  Talking out loud to my wife and God.  Usually with some f-words thrown in.

This still sucks.  And I think it will probably suck for a long time.

Tubbs
Posts: 51
Joined: Jul 2009

I hated - and still hate - changing all the bills and accounts and so forth.  I had to yell at Sprint who kept billing me for my wife's phone after she passed. The first person I talked to there didn't tell me about faxing a cert. of death, so I had to start the conversation all over again.  Ordinarily, I'd just shrug and think 'that's the way it goes.'  When I had to follow up, it was like a form of torture.  I hate saying these words out loud:  My wife has passed away. 

And that's what I have to do all the time to get accounts changed and so forth.

My wife passed over two months ago, and I was doing okay, so I thought.  I don't know if it's the hokidays or what, but lately, I'll be in my house and just break down in tears.  Talking out loud to my wife and God.  Usually with some f-words thrown in.

This still sucks.  And I think it will probably suck for a long time.

cindysuetoyou's picture
cindysuetoyou
Posts: 508
Joined: Dec 2009

The name change thing really bothers me too. I HATE saying, "My son died." Even impersonal people on the phone feel sorry for me and that always makes me lose it and start crying on the phone with them. I hate having meltdowns with total strangers.

I thought I was doing better--I survived Christmas. I'd been dreading it but I actually made it through the day with only a few breakdowns. I slept part of the day, which helped. But New Year's Eve and day really were bad for me. I babysat my grand kids on NY Eve, and I've been sick with some sort of flu, so I laid in bed all day on New Year's Day. I wasn't that sick....just felt lousy. I feel really depressed and I hate the thought of a new year with David not here. I didn't see any point in getting up, and I didn't have to get up, so I didn't. Finally around 6 pm I dragged myseluppity of bed, took a shower, fed my horse, and went to the gym. Came home and went back to bed. And that's how I started a new year. 

Wondering when the pain won't be so sharp and when I'll be able to control the crying. It's been 2 1/2 months...78 days. I guess that's not very long. But it feels like years. I am so miserable.

Love and blessings,

Cindy

 

donnare
Posts: 266
Joined: Jun 2009

Thank you all for your replies and I am truly sorry for your losses also.  I will keep you all in my prayers too.  Thank you.

I'm finding even expressingy myself on here hard.  I just can't seem to find myself right now.  I think I read someone else talking about how she identified herself  "Mrs. ------ ", and that died with her husband.  And I guess that is true, but I can't figure out who I am because I have been "Mrs" - Brian's wife -  for 26 years and I don't want to be anything else.  I miss her hopes and dreams and plans for the shared future she expected with her husband.  Who am I now, how do I reinvent myself?  When will I not be too exhausted to do anything but sleep, bathe and simple tasks around the house?  When will I want to go out again -- I would never leave my house if I didn't have to. 

Had to make more phone calls today letting people know "my husband passed away".  Hate the phrase, hate saying it, hate the reality of it.

Wishing you all (and me too) peace in your hearts.

Donna

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