Dec 30, 2012 - 3:46 am
December 28 was one month since my husband, Brian, died. For me, it feels like an eternity. I miss him so much I almost can't function. I was very composed for his funeral, but I seem to be getting worse with each day. I am surrounded by people that want to help me and my daughters and I just want everyone to go away. They keep telling me I am so strong, I am an inspiration, Brian would want me to be happy, I have to be well for my daughters, and all I want to do is scream "... where are you, please come back."
I write to him, I talk to him, I post songs on his wall. I sit and listen to sad songs on youtube that remind me of him, of us. I don't want to leave my house. I don't want to answer the phone, I resent having to tell people, and accounts, etc. that he is dead. I don't want to see the pity and sorrow in people's eyes when they look at me. I don't want to do anything. I feel numb and dead inside, and when I do feel anything at all the grief engulfs me like a tidal wave and I feel like I am going to be swallowed up.
I think about how vulnerable he was in his last days and it breaks my heart. I don't understand why this had to happen. What was the lesson I am supposed to learn. He was only 55 years old, he never once asked "..why me..". He was an ordinary guy, who loved his family and friends, and deserved to walk his daughters down the aisle, see his grandchildren, retire and relax after working his butt off for his family. Why did we, did I, have to lose him?
I know I will never be okay again. Part of me died with him, and it is terrible because I have two daughters, but I wish I could be with him. I can't take his place, I am a poor substitute for him, and I know they feel like they have to take care of me now, which makes me feel even worse. I just miss him so much.