Dec 23, 2012 - 11:04 am
how many more xmas ? I asked myself the other night.
As I walked through sydney city looking at xmas display windows, xmas trees really holding both the kids hands very tightly amongst 1000s of other families. I felt like this xmas is extra special for us. i asked myself quietly how many more xmas's with the kids, wife and friends. that includes many here who are friends, thanks for the cards. i see lots of hugs floating around this board these days, real love and care even between cyber friends is so important. the challenging prognosis can have many advantages, in my case one for my is lowering the barriers to being loved that our western life erects.
For one i have kind of done a lazarus ie been away and made a miraculous return. Its kind of an importnt point to make, now all my friends hug me, guys and girls and say " gee you look great" , so on some level the german experiment for me has had some benefits at this point. the kids, and wife love me and miss me. now i am back its as if all the love i missed out on in germany has been saved up and bestowed on me just before xmas. so I am feeling cared for emotionally. I must have looked so bad before i left, but improvement in appearance to friends is consistently commented on. At the street xmas party tonight, A lovely 40 something mum friend and i discussed fixing up a few wrinkles, i said its a great idea if it makes you feel good about yourself. I said I have spent over 100K keeping the body going, a few dollars on the face only seems fair, why not live or die looking good and smiling?
so i am home and on a high and stealing myself from the countless serious issues wanting to disturb my fragile peace of mind.
so for background I had some peritoneal, liver and lung uptake in the august pet, after 12 months rising cea and chose experimental german therapies rather than traditional palliative chemo for my metastatic illness. I am in a strange aware state, and really kind of sad. A wonderful women, Suzan, has passed. so cancer takes another young mother, wife and friend. she was at the german clinic we spent about 8 weeks side by side getting therapies. I don't want to analyse what contributed to her demise here, its the mortality being flagged, because I really loved her in my way. she was so sick on my last weekend, we had lunch. i had the old what do talk about when your really dieing now kind of dilemna. we talked, i helped push her wheel chair from the dining room to the infusion room. she died two hours before her husband and daughter arrived from the states. she was a beautiful, strong loving woman. I am so sad. from her passing to colin's funeral thurday, he was a best good friends father, he passed at 86 and was married 65 years to pat. I hugged pat, she was more worried for me than herself. it was her husbands funeral. it was precious. but the whole death and dieing has been raised by these two events.
I came house full of crap ( my wife is a hoarder ) but a home full of love. We all do our best with our illnesses and limitations. I see this more clearly now, so the time away had a settling perspective. Its personally scary how focussed and peaceful I have become while coping with this illness and all it implies.
this post is about alternative therapies, but not all ones discussed here in the past arguable benefit. I still have an unnatural number of supplements and needles to take daily as maintenance therapy. I am heading back to germany feb 4 and at this point the family is coming for rest of the therapies which will continue until remission or that long peaceful sleep we will all enjoy one day.
the alternative therapy this post highlights, i hope is what they call pyscho oncology, the emotional and spiritual healing path. To get the whole fear of dieing sorted. a very special german friend gave me this book "staring into the sun", i read it on the plane home. so good. and also an amazing dvd about singing your song. so basically living a fully alive is the best way to stay alive. the author claims 50% survival boost using his emotional therapies. So I am disposed to these approaches and I gained confidence and comfort from the book and the dvd. details on my blog.
so how many more ? I am just sharing my gratitude for my life this xmas. for all the gifts around me and the challenges before me. so these 3 school mums came yesterday for the kids primary school with presents and a big basket of goodies. it was so kind and a wonderful surprise. my wife was so angry ) embarrased and paranoid ) that they came into the house, but soon realised they had kind hearted intentions. she thought i was up to some plan to cleanup plan again. I am keeping my energy for my survival, i cannot invest any more in curing my wife. She still has no effective insight into her hoarding illness and possibly never will. I daughter did help me in a small cleanup so we can cook in the kitchen, she cleaned out the fridge of rotting and really foul stuff.
loving life everyday, that includes wife and kids and friends. i hope this makes sense. the answer either zero or 100 does not alter my joy at living today. the budest ideas really have helped me cope with the uncertainty that our illness can bringing some some.
ps its late like 2am, so i will pop a few digestive enzymes and have some maf314 gcmaf yogurt just in case.