Nov 26, 2012 - 11:05 pm
If anyone remembers, I am the 18 year old son of my 55 year old mother with colon cancer. She was diagnosed in late July this year and by the looks of it, it seems to be pretty advanced. She's currently receiving chemotherapy at Memorial Sloan Kettering hospital in NYC. I'm pretty sure her chemo regimen is folxox, oxaliplatin, and another one. She goes every two weeks and takes homes a 48 hour pump of chemo too. I don't really know all the details and that scares me, but I also don't know if I wanna know all the details.
Last week was her 6th cycle out of a planned 12. The third week she was postponed a week because her counts were down, and apparently she got a rash from the shot to boost white blood cell count. I'm pretty sure the 4th & 5th treatments the doctors held off on the oxaliplatin because of her count not being perfect, but this past chemo (#6) they gave her all three. She said the first one was the hardest and this past one wasn't so bad, so that makes me feel a little better. They said they'll do surgery after the chemo but that freaks me out because it makes me believe that there was so much cancer that they didn't even bother with surgery first. Or maybe they can't even do surgery right now because there is too much cancer??? I'm scared to ask but my mom apparently has a liver doctor at Memorial Sloan so I can only assume she has liver mets. Recently she's had anxiety over the scheduled first scan coming up in the next week. I don't think anyone really knows the extent of the cancer or anything, but she didn't really have any symptoms prior to her colonoscopy in July so how spread could it really be? I'm scared.
My mom has lost a lot of weight since she's started doing chemo. She was overweight when she was diagnosed but she wasn't obese or anything. I've seen her lose weight to a healthy weight in the past few years, but this chemo weight loss leaves her looking unhealthy and it's freaking me out. The doctors aren't really that concerned though (or so i've heard). I feel bad that everything tastes horrible for my mom. Does anyone have any suggestions?!?!!? She can't have cold things a few days after chemo, and she's been saying that a lot of things make her feel like she's swallowing blood. Also, all things sugary don't appeal to her. Please give some suggestions.
All my life my mom has taken care of me and here I am watching her sick and looking helpless. It's too much. My mom has smoked probably all my life, and all throughout my childhood I feared the day that she got cancer because of it. Although she wasn't diagnosed with lung cancer from cigarettes, she has colon cancer, and it's literally my worst nightmare coming true.
I have two brothers and my dad also, but I seriously feel like I'm there for my mom most which I am not okay with. My brothers (one 18 and the other 23 living at home first year out of college) don't really acknowledge the cancer which i don't believe is how this should be handled. My oldest brother living at home doesn't keep his room clean and it stresses my mom out, and it's little things like that, that make me scratch my head and wonder if i'm in this alone with my mom. My dad is definitely there for my mom, but I feel like sometimes he doesn't treat her with the love that she needs right now. My twin brother seems to be too self absorbed attending college in NYC to really give my mom the attention she needs. He calls her and visits, but he could definitely act more maturely about things and not stress my mom out. I've tried talking to him about this a few times in a non-confrentational way, and he completely shut me up and told me to never tell him what to do again.
I'm currently living at college a half hour away and i've pretty much given up my social life in order to come home every weekend and be there for my mom if she needs me. She denies it, but I KNOW she loves when i'm home.
Thanksgiving was a lot tougher than I thought it would be. A lot of my mom's siblings live across the country, so they finally saw her since her diagnosis and it was just really sad. Normally in my family we have the best time at Thanksgiving, with about 50 people every year and it's so fun. This year the general consensus from all my cousins was that it definitely wasn't as fun and I think my mom's situation is why. Whenever my aunts and uncles asked me about how everything was, I answered as if I was okay and that nothing was wrong. I sort of hate school and i've realized that i'm not a "college person" but I won't drop out. When my family asked about school I pretty much said it's all good. Whenever my mom was brought up I acted really positive and pretended like I was okay but I truly wanted to just break down and cry. I wanted to go back to when I was younger and cry to my parents and eventually everything was going to be okay.
I feel like i've been sheltered all my life and suddenly, right before i'm about to leave for college, my mom gets diagnosed with horrible cancer and I my worst nightmare comes true. I feel like I can't relate to anyone at school because sometimes all I do is think about my mom and i'm not fully concentrated with making friends at college because of that.
The other night me, my aunt, and my mom were in my living room at home talking about everything. While she lied down on the couch in tiredness from chemo, she told us how she was scared about everything and she hinted at probably dying from this eventually. I got that sinking feeling in my chest/stomach and I just wanted the sun to blow up right then so none of us had to deal with this anymore. She was crying and talking about how she doesn't want her kids to grow up without being there and it made me realize that i'd be "one of those kids who's mom died" and it freaked me out. This isn't supposed to happen to people until they are older. Why is the world so messed up? I repeatedly told my mom "stay positive!!!! Don't let that stuff enter your mind because it's not going to happen!!" and I felt so helpless and messed up.
Through various forums i've heard of the later stages of this disease and I am so scared for that happening to my mom. She is such a lively person and she is the foundation to my life as I know it. Picturing her in a hospital bed really skinny makes me wonder if I could actually live beyond experiencing that. If she were to actually die HOW could I possibly ever be happy from that???? I am freaking out help