Nov 25, 2012 - 1:26 am
Well, I made it through Thanksgiving. It was very hard and very sad but not as bad as I expected. I went to the cemetery the day before Thanksgiving and cried so long and so hard that I was totally exhausted. I actually had trouble walking back to my car. I must have looked like a crazy woman, all muddy and dirty from cleaning up David's grave, staggering around the cemetery in the dark, crying so loudly. I won't go that late in the day again. (It gets dark here around 4:30.)
I think that I cried so much on Wednesday that I couldn't cry much on Thursday. I did have a few meltdowns but I got through the dinner. We are such traditionalists and it makes it so hard. We did the same thing that we have done for years and years...we (me and my husband and our kids and now spouses and grandkids) get together with our extended family....my sister and bro in law and their six kids and their spouses and kids....it's a large group, about 30-35 people. When I walked in and saw everyone, I broke down. And I sobbed out loud when my brother in law said grace. I was the only one who cried out loud and that made me feel worse.
I can't believe that just last year David was here with us and well enough to walk in and get his food and sit and eat, all unaided. It was in November that David first really started to go downhill. He fought so hard and he was so brave and full of courage. It breaks my heart and makes me crazy with grief when I think about how strong he was and how hard he fought and how hard he tried and how bad everything got as the cancer started to take over and the chemo started to kill him. It all seems like I am living in a dream.....a horrible nightmare that I wish with all of my heart that I could wake up from.
My kids all clustered around me at the Thanksgiving dinner and I felt like they were watching out for me. They chatted about casual things and hauled out newspapers and pointed out Black Friday deals that they thought I might be interested in. I ended up going out with them and I even did some shopping. I bought myself a bunch of stuff too. Spent a lot of money that I shouldn't really have spent but I don't care.
I don't think I would make it through life in general or the holidays in particular if I didn't have the level of support and love that my three kids and my sister and my extended family and my best friend have given to me. Even with all the support, I feel like I am barely hanging in there. I keep waiting for it to get easier. I don't feel like it ever will be easier....maybe I will just learn how to tolerate it.
I hope that you others on this board are able to find some peace this holiday season. I'm so sorry for all of us who had to say good bye to our loved ones.
Love and blessings,