Nov 17, 2012 - 3:20 am
I have been needing to post an update for so long, but I feel like everything that could possibly go wrong does and it is starting to get overwhelming. Not to mention I am just so friggen sad all the time and an emotional roller coaster. This week was just horrible. I finally sucked it up and had a pet scan, even though my dad warned me that it might be too depressing to look at the results. What we found wasn't great. I have about 12 different tumors throughout my body. They're just everywhere. 7 in the lung, 3 in the paraspinus muscle, one massive honker in my right leg, and then one thats eroding into my left sacrum. I was having so much back pain that it was pretty much unmanageable for a while, so we decided to start radiation. They are currently radiating my tumors in my back and the largest lung met (its 7cm) and I have my last treatment tomorrow. Yep, they're treating on a Saturday because they're taking off for Thanksgiving.
Anyway, heres where it gets bad. Last Friday I started experiencing numbness/pressure in my right leg and it was completely impairing my walk. It has now gotten so bad that I have almost no function of my entire limb. It kind of feels like a boa constrictor is squeezing my foot to death and the pressure continues all the way up my leg. Just a lot of pressure and no feeling. Thats why walking is pretty much impossible because I can't feel my foot step down on the floor. So I am now wheelchair bound and dealing with numbness in my entire stomach/back area and it is beginning to start in my left leg as well. Hopefully the radiation will help the numbness in my stomach/left leg, but the right leg is a lost cause. My tumor continues to grow and theres nothing they can do. Its already gotten twice the amount of radiation that you're supposed to give it, so they can't treat it anymore. And unfortunately, because of all of the past radiation, the skin won't stretch and the tumor continues to break through the skin. I've pretty much had an open wound there since August that my angel of a mother changes the bandage on twice a day. Unfortunately we also can't do surgery to remove it because the incision will never heal due to the radiation and I will just get an infection and have to have it amputated either way. Lovely.
As if the good news stops there.. I found out that I have pneumonia in my left lung and a build up of fluid in my right pleura. I had a pleura effusion done on Wednesday and they drained 500 ml of fluid out-pretty nasty. My anemia is out of control right now (hemoglobin is an 8 which is why I'm so exhausted) I also have had a nasty bug all week that has caused vomiting and gas/digestive issues. Want to know how fun it is to be a 21 year old girl laying in bed wearing a diaper having to call out to my mother who's doing dishes in the next room because I have thrown up all over myself and can't get out of bed and into my wheelchair by myself? Ya, thats pretty much what my life looks like right now.
I have just been so so sad lately. It's hard to keep up a fun attitude and live every day enjoying life when my body is physically giving out on me. I think I'm going to start taking my xanax on a regular basis because *****y Kat is not fun to deal with. It just breaks my heart knowing that my family doesn't have a lot of time left with me. I wish so badly that there was something that could be done, but sometimes the Lord has a different plan. I want to enjoy every day and I've said that from the beginning, but it feels like everything is getting really bad really fast and I am so overwhelmed. I am getting over this nasty bug and I am hopeful that once I start feeling a little better, my mood will drastically improve. I just want to take a deep breath and enjoy all of the time that I have. Please continue to keep my family in your prayers. They are so amazing and I hate knowing that I am the cause of so much pain in their lives. My parents are two of the biggest saints I've ever met and they don't deserve this. It truly breaks my heart.
Thank you so much for reading my long scatterbrained rant. I should really just update more often and then they won't be so long. Still praying so hard for all of you ladies facing hard times. I hope you all have an incredible Thanksgiving with your families. Believe it or not, I have so much to be thankful for. I just need to remind myself more often!