Nov 10, 2012 - 9:27 pm
So I know my husband is dying, I'm shocked by how fast this seems to have come. He was so healthy for the past three years, handled the chemo so well, I told myself I wasn't hoping for a cure, but obviously I was hoping for something of that nature. He doesn't want anymore treatment, not that there is anything left anyway. His bilibrubin levels are too high for any clinical trials, and standard care chemo stopped working months ago. My daughter wanted to know how long he had, so the doctor asked him how long he felt he had. He said he thought til about January and she agreed it was probably an accurate time frame.
I am upset by how crazy I feel. It is not like I didn't know this would come at some point, but I am devastated, scared, angy and completely out of it. I don't want to see or talk to anyone, and I cannot imagine ever being okay again. My heart is broken and will never heal.
I have no clue how to do this, no clue how to accept that he will be gone. No clue how I will ever be okay again. Hospice is coming out tomorrow, I have to start thinking about wills, and power of attorney, and all this other crap that I have been putting off, and all I want to do is climb under the covers and stay there until I can face the world again if there will ever be a time like that. It would be great if I never had to leave my house again, but I will probably have to sell it and move anyway. My life, the life we planned so carefully and worked so hard for, is disappearing right before my eyes, cause I feel like without him there is no life for me. Just loneliness.
It is not fair, he's only 55. He is being robbed of everything he worked so hard for - seeing his youngest graduate from college, walking his daughters down the aisle, seeing his grandchildren, enjoying his retirement after working his tail off for years for his family and planning for their future.
He is so weak, and so tired, and his liver is failing, and there is nothing I can do to help, to make it better, to make it stop, to fix it. I am completely helpless, and I am becoming paralyzed by the pain, fear, and loneliness ahead of me. I cannot imagine that I will ever be okay again.