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The loss of my mother and now what?

Synthetik
Posts: 2
Joined: Nov 2012

I had lost my mother to cancer in April of 2012 about 7 months ago. I am 27years old and my mother was 70 years old when she passed. She is survived by her husband of 51 years and 3 children 4 grandchildren. She was first diagnosed I believe in 2009 with Vaginal cancer she was stage 3 at the time, plenty of surgery chemo and radiation later it seemed she was in remission although they only gave her 5 years. In December of 2011 actually the day of my birthday she became sick coughing up blood and it was found out she relapsed but now the cancer was in her lungs, her right lung was collapsed and it was now a stage 4 with a 5 month life expectancy. She declined any treatment because the doctors said it would only make her sick and it wasn't going to help at all but only to get hospice involved. I took time out of my life stopped working to become her full time caregiver because none of my siblings were willing to do so. during the few months she lived she ended up breaking her right shoulder just by trying to get out of her bed one morning, her health declined at a speedy rate until the day she died in our home. She was the glue of our family the only reason it stuck together and I had to witness her going from this strong woman to a woman I did not recognize anymore doped on morphine and pain pills from her shoulder because they would not operate due to the severity of stage 4. My mom was my best friend it has been 7 months and I haven't really coped or dealt with it. I'm really lost in what I should do or how to do it. My father is in bad shape being 74 hes already admitted to wanting to be with her already and I am sure that will happen because his health is also declining. I wasn't really offered any form of support when she passed. To add more into the mix I was planning on moving to a different state to be with my boyfriend before she passed he was to fly to me to meet my mother, the trip was planned and a week before he arrived she passed in her sleep. I ended up moving a week after she passed missing all services for her never seeing her grave marker. I feel guilty for leaving my mother all alone from losing his wife and his health getting worse I have been his caretaker just as long as I was hers. I don't speak to my siblings and nor they to me really everyone is kinda pissed off at each other. My boyfriend worries about me because he does not know how to help me cope. I cry every time I think or see pictures of her. It is very hard to remember the good times we shared and how close we bonded during her final days but all I see in my head is the woman she was the last weeks. I know I am not even fully expressing my feelings right now nor do I really know how. Is it too soon for me to be thinking I need to accept it and move on? I just feel dead inside that I lost the one person in the world that had known me since birth and has always been there for me and loved unconditionally. My faith is a little rocky from all of this because I don't understand why she had to go through all of this she didn't deserve all the pain I watched her endure daily. My boyfriend tells me all the time shes in a better place that she is no longer in pain and she is happy now. But I feel cheated having such older parents (they had me when they were in their 40s) my sister and brother are late 30's. I feel I didn't get my fair time with her, that she doesn't get to meet my kids or meet the man i am going to marry. Since I moved to a new state away from my former life i have my boyfriends family and their family traditions I just feel all my traditions were lost when she passed that I really don't have a family any more and i don't know who to talk to or how to handle this. I did end of having a seizure during our road trip from Washington state to Virginia from all the stress. Does anyone have any advice as to how to cope and somehow get back to who I once was? When does the hole inside me stop hurting and when I can speak of my mother without breaking down and crying? Thank you in advance if anyone reads this and offers anything.

Shannon

grandmafay's picture
grandmafay
Posts: 1625
Joined: Aug 2009

First, I am very sorry for your loss. There is no time limit for grieving. We each do it in our own time. You might want to look into getting some help, though. Check with your local hospice or American Cancer Society for a grief group or grief counseling. You might want to talk with a doctor, too. Some of us do need meds for awhile. Also, the idea that they are in a better place is hard to swallow. We thought they were in a fine place with us. Yes, we can accept mentally that our loved ones are no longer suffering, but in our hearts we just feel a empty place. In time, the pain of loss lessens, but I don't think we ever stop missing those who have made such a difference in our lives. Try to remember the good times. Share those with friends. Ask your boyfriend and family to incorporate some of your family traditions in the coming holidays. It doesn't have to be a big thing. Just some small things you treasure. As for crying, that is not a bad thing or a sign of weakness. Crying helps us cope. You have had many changes in a short time. Be sure to have a doctor check you out. Seizures are not anything to ignore. Right now you need to take care of yourself. Can you talk to your boyfriend's mother? Maybe she can give you some motherly advice. Come here when you need support. You might also want to check out the grief and bereavement board, too. It gets a little more traffic than this one. Take care, Fay

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