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Finding love after Breast Cancer

labtech
Posts: 37
Joined: Mar 2009

I Have been Cancer free for almost 3 years now and yes had to have a Mastectomy to save my life, it was the last thing i wanted to do but had no choice. I really didn't give much thought about how things would change in my personal life once that happened, i knew it would be hard at times but i guess i always thought if someone loved me enough they could see through it. I have been divorced for 11 yrs. now and decided it would be nice to have a companion and someone to care about and who would care about me, someone to go places with and share life. I have tried the popular dating sites although i hate them i have gone out with friends to clubs and met people at work, if i got to the point where things were going well and we were comfortable with each other i noticed once i told that person of my cancer he would "change". as if i had a disease that was contagious or i would get the im so sorry speech. Is it me or do other women have this problem? i have come to the conclusion i will just buy a dog and stay single it's much easier.

teresa41's picture
teresa41
Posts: 453
Joined: Jun 2009

I had someone when I was diagnosed in 2009 and again in 2010 . he passed away I have been alone single for 2 years I had bilateral mastectomies I can relate with you on men . I remember telling my fiance that if something ever happened to him no other man would want me. I'm to the point I don't worry about it I have 2 dogs that I love and they love me it doesn't matter to them what I look like I've gotten use to just me and my dogs.

Hugs

Teresa

roseann4
Posts: 994
Joined: Sep 2009

Don't get me started! Lol. I'm happily married most of the time but was single for many years. With or without bc, it is a challenge finding the right partner. BC just shows us early on that we're not with the right person. One in 2 men will get cancer in their lifetime and one in 3 women. Their risk is higher! Life is not an easy ride and I wanted someone who' was up for the challenge. Cowards need not apply. Hugs!

Roseann

pinkkari09's picture
pinkkari09
Posts: 878
Joined: Sep 2009

I totally understand Sweetheart. I went through a divorce one month after my bilateral, both ovaries, all nodes, and immediate reconstruction. As soon as I could lift a box, I packed up and left. Met what I thought was an amazing man, oh boy how that turned into a nightmare. He went from amazing to psycho, punched me in the head, threw me across a room, slept with three other woman, and it was hell to get away from him. My ex-husband and I are now great friends, and roommates, how funny is that. It works though, we get along great now!! I have two dogs, and yep, I say you get a dog while you wait for the right one to come along. There's someone out there for you, and you'll eventually find him.
Miles of Love,
Kari

hope4thebest's picture
hope4thebest
Posts: 108
Joined: Aug 2012

Hi, I had to comment because I am trying to negotiate the world as a bc survivor. Cancer scares people, but should be disclosed sooner than later, in my opinion. I have also realized that it is better not giving too much information. If they want to know more about it, you can tell them as they ask about it. Keep it simple.

There are plenty of men out there whose lives have been touched by cancer, even if they have not faced that reality yet on their own. I agree, bc is a good screening device to sort out the wimps. It has given me a much clearer picture of what I want. Keep trying and don't settle.

I'm still single, but ok with it. I am 'actively hunting' as I know it will take some time to find the right person. We educate each date, and we learn from them as well.

smilingdeb's picture
smilingdeb
Posts: 50
Joined: May 2011

Lol, I come right out and tell them about my cancer. If they are fine with it that is great and if not don't let the door kick you in the a** on your way out. I fought to long and hard for my life to get attached to a man and then once I decide to tell him he leaves. I am single and have a small dog and I love it. We all know that about 90% of men are babies, abusive, liers, cheaters, lazy and etc... So what I like about being single is that I don't have to take care of anyone but me and my dog. Maybe one of these days 1 of the 10% will come into my life but until then I want to enjoy my life everyday.

Deb

GMcD
Posts: 120
Joined: Oct 2011

I have read this post with much interest. I love Deb's attitude and feel pretty much the same way...however, I was in a long term relationship when I was diagnosed. He was supportive and saw me bald, sick, etc. The relationship ended about 1 and a half yrs ago due to his drinking...long story. But, he recently married a woman 10 yrs younger than I and without the battle scars of breast cancer. I hate to admit this but it bothers me. Why would I care? I am grateful to be almost at the 3 yr survivor anniversary, I am proud to be part of such a sister and brotherhood but hate myself for feeling this way. I don't want him back so is it the ugly green monster rearing it's head since I have boobs that don't match? Thanks for the venting opportunity. Love to all.

dthompson's picture
dthompson
Posts: 149
Joined: Nov 2012

Ladies,
Coming from a mans perspective and having a wife who was recently diagnosed with Grade 2a type 3 IDC. You love a woman for who she is. If a man leaves you or doesn't want to get involved with you because of BC then he is probably no good for you in the first place. Remember there are good men out there who will stick with you no matter what !

camul's picture
camul
Posts: 2017
Joined: Dec 2010

is right, there are good men out there who will stick with you no matter what. However, I think while you are going through it and right after when you are so raw (emotionally and physically), it is harder to MEET a man who is willing to get involved with someone who has just finished treatment, or is in treatment. And men bolting or having affairs when their wife or girlfriend gets sick isn't so unusual.

I think when you get in your 40's and 50's it is hard to meet good men, even harder after the big C. Why risk falling for someone who may die or get sick again? In 8 years only a few didn't shy away!

Face it even BFF's cant always deal with it. It has been said here many times, going through cancer will let you know who your real friends are. Cancer scares a lot of people and I think men more so.

So if they can't deal with it there is the door. I need strong, positive people in my life, especially now. And most of the time, I love being single and yes I have a beautiful ADD boxer.

CypressCynthia's picture
CypressCynthia
Posts: 3926
Joined: Oct 2009

I am so glad that you said this, dthompson! My husband has been a rock. I know my body does not look at all the way it did 38 years ago (personally I think parts of me are a little bride of Frankenstein), but he always lies and says I am beautiful.

If a guy loves you, he loves you. My advice is to quit hunting. Strengthen yourself by volunteering and cultivating activities where you might develop a friendship with a good guy. Forget about the bad guys that you think you want. Communication with someone who really understands you can be subliminal-in and out of the bedroom.

Good guys are definitely out there, but don't look under rocks to find them. And, if someone is acting like a toad, don't think for a minute you will change them.

Dress up a little (for you, not them) and go conquer the world. Love will come because you are an amazing and beautiful woman, but, if it doesn't, you will be ok too. :-)

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