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Cindy, thinking of you!

sadinholland
Posts: 237
Joined: Apr 2011

Hi Cindy,

I was just thinking about you and praying you are okay. Take care of yourself. I would love to see post from you once in a while if you are up to it. If t wish there was something I could say to make your pain go away. You are such a wonderful mom and caring person. God bless!

cindysuetoyou's picture
cindysuetoyou
Posts: 508
Joined: Dec 2009

Thank you for thinking about me. It helps me to know that you are praying for me.

I guess I'm okay. Going thru the motions of daily life, HATING this new normal. Still crying all the time, not really feeling like I'm going forward. My son Dallas said today, "Mom, it hasn't even been two weeks. Please give yourself some time." He said that he doesn't think it will get better, just maybe easier. I have trouble believing it.

In my life, I've cried over things like my dog dying, fights with my husband, dumb choices my kids made, things like that. What I'm feeling now isn't even in the same realm of emotions. It's vast, all encompassing, paralyzing, agonizing. I can feel the waves of grief coming like they will swallow me up and I become frantic to get into the solitude of my bedroom where I can cry and wail alone, where no one else will hear. I feel powerless to control the grief. When I cry, there's not even a break in my tears. They don't drip--they actually run in an unbroken stream from my eyes. I have wet spots on my shirt most of the day. Pretty sad, huh.

I really believe that I will see David in Eternity and I am glad that his suffering and pain and fear are over. I'm glad he's whole and well and in a better place. But I am so sad for me and for my family. My little granddaughter Kaylie whom he loved so much will grow up without him. His other nieces and nephew are probably too young to even remember him. I'm so sad, so broken that David isn't a part of our lives here on Earth. There's a huge hole in our family and in my heart that will never ever go away.

I will post here every now and then but for the most part, I will probably post on the Grief and Bereavement wall. It's the most appropriate one for me now since David isn't here fighting cancer and I'm not a caregiver any more. I may post on the Emotional Support wall too. That also will be appropriate too, I'm afraid.

Thank you again for thinking of me. I will be praying for you and for your husband and I'll be watching for updates on his battle. Thank you for your prayers---prayers are the only thing that are keeping me going, I believe.

Love and blessings always,
Cindy

cdolive4
Posts: 34
Joined: Sep 2011

Cindy,

My heart is aching along with you, and I just want you to know that you are loved very tenderly by many. I'm thinking about you in Texas, and just wanted you to know. Hugs. CindyO

dmercer1
Posts: 16
Joined: Mar 2011

Cindy, I know you don't know me, but I have followed David's and your story since I was diagnosed 2 years ago. I shared your story with my 831 facebook friends and asked them to pray for you. I know in the whirlwind days that followed David's death you may not have seen every post. Here is the prayer I shared then, I'll re-post it here because it is still my prayer for all who have to walk the road of profound loss.

"Cindy, my prayer for you today is that your pain be left in HIM who knows what you are experiencing. May you cling close to God as you travel this steep and rugged road. I won't say you will get through it. I don't believe there is anything to "get through." This is who you are now and will forever be intertwined in who you are. Please embrace the waves of deep sorrow as a lament that this is not the way it was supposed to be. And may the waves of deep sorrow slowly be replaced by a hope that one day we shall unite in sweet embrace. Until that day, may a flood of memories sweep over you as you remember a life well lived. A life that we all agree was way too short. I leave you with these words: "But there's one who holds my hand, through rugged roads, through barren lands. The way is dark, the road is steep, but he's become my eyes to see. The strength to climb, my griefs to bear, the savior lives inside me there. May you find the savior in the very place you need him to be, in the emptiness of heart, left by a precious one."

Grace and Peace,
Danny

cindysuetoyou's picture
cindysuetoyou
Posts: 508
Joined: Dec 2009

Thank you to everyone who has posted and shared such kind comments and prayers. I am really grateful and it brings me comfort to read your posts. You guys here understand my pain.

Danny, thank you for sharing David's story with your FB friends and having them pray too. Did you happen to see the Trusting in God for David Facebook page? If you go to that page and post a comment, I'll friend request you and then you'll have access to my page. (I have my privacy set to friends only.) There's a lot of posts on my wall that you might want to read...maybe.

My faith and trust in God are the same. I've never wavered. God has always been and remains faithful to me. I trust Him even though I HATE losing David. I read a verse in Psalms a long time ago...."God is close to the broken hearted and those whose spirits are crushed." I forget where it is...I had it memorized but lately I can't remember much...anyway, that's what I am. Totally broken hearted and totally crushed. The color and light are gone from my life and I don't have any hope in my heart that I will ever feel better, even though everyone says I will, in time.

I can't even type this without crying my head off. I miss David so much that it physically hurts me. My chest hurts like I am having a heart attack. I hate how I get on this site and go on and on. I'm so sorry that I do this to everyone. I really need to take a break from posting, I guess.

Anyway, thank you again for writing and praying for me. I'll be thinking about you and praying for you too. Please post and let me know how you are doing....I always feel such a huge amount of joy to hear good reports about people beating cancer. I get so emotionally attached to everyone on CSN and it means so much to me to know how you all are doing.

Love and blessings, always,
Cindy

BenLenBo's picture
BenLenBo
Posts: 144
Joined: Feb 2012

Hello Cindy,
I see you are hanging in there. Grief is can be so consuming in ones life, it just show us how
compassionately we can love one another. There were days after loosing my brother and parents, I walked around like a zombie, everything made me cry, smells, jacket, picture any small reminder
brought back floods of emotion. Time does heal, but memories are forever, and you will always
have a special place in your heart for David. You had such a special bond with David, he was so
lucky to have a mother and family to help him on this journey called life.
Please stay in touch!

(((HUGS)))

Carol

I_Promise's picture
I_Promise
Posts: 210
Joined: Aug 2011

I just wanted to let you know that I think about you and David every day. There is not one day that I hate his brain cancer recurrence and all the suffering that came with it.

Love

Julia

alutiiqmom's picture
alutiiqmom
Posts: 256
Joined: Jun 2011

Hi Cindy and julia

I pray that Cindy finds peace and comfort every day. I also pray for an abundance of love .

Edna and Sarah

chicken2799's picture
chicken2799
Posts: 105
Joined: Nov 2009

I am so glad you still post here. I feel a connection to all of you on this site. It is like a family on here that you can open up to and not be afraid of telling how you feel. Don't ever feel like you post too much or your posts are too long. We are here to listen and here for support! It is also good therapy to write what you are feeling, get those feeling out there, and who better to listen than your family here at CSN! I pray for you everyday at night and on the way to work, just as I do everyone on this site. Stay strong, and know we are here for you!

Michelle
Mobile, Al

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