CSN Login
Members Online: 14

E D AND THE SINGLE MAN ???

taarph
Posts: 18
Joined: Aug 2012

Is there any help out there for ED and the single guy. Everything that i have read so far is the married guy with his wife or the gay guy with his partner. How about the single guy
how does he get into a meaning relationship. Do you say buy the way when it comes to sex
we may have a problem. Very hard to get an erection or better yet sorry about the size of things
It seems the hormones and the radiation have reduced things to a pre puberty size. Yes I know it is not the end of the world but it is very important and no one seems to talk about it. The urologist says by the way no more children lol All the time in treatment everybody was in the rectum checking the prostate not once did the Urologist or The Oncologist ever examine
the genitals not before or after to have something to compare it to. All you hear about with the married man is how the two of them work on the problem.
But when it comes to the single male not a word is uttered. Does anyone out there have the same feeling or just me. It is very confusing to me.
Taarph

Kongo's picture
Kongo
Posts: 1167
Joined: Mar 2010

Taarph,

Although I am very happily married and have not had to deal with these issues, I certainly understand and emphasize with the situation you describe. ED is a major fallout of some prostate cancer treatments and I agree with you that medical professionals devote too little time and effort in addressing the "whole man" concept in the treatment of this cancer.

Urologists well know the liklihood of ED for the treatments they persuade us to take and the major detrimental effect in plays on the quality of life of men (and women) after some of these treatments. Their failure to adequately address this issue BEFORE treatment is irresponsible and unconscionable in my opinion.

The potential for ED and loss of potency and the apparent concern of the urologists I met with was a deciding factor in choosing a SBRT radiation treatment of my cancer.

Having said that, the issue seems to be okay, all that is in the rear view mirror...what do I do now?

First, I think you may be selling short many women about this. I suspect that there are many, many women in the same age group as most prostate cancer survivors who are sympathetic, well may be survivors in their own right, and view the libido of a 20-something male in his prime as less important to a relationship than it may once have been. I think the first step is to build a relationship on common interests and shared goals, compatability, and overlapping likes and dislikes before getting down to specifics about what the genitilia may or not be doing.

As we move past the child bearing years, both men and women often become more adversome and broad minded about these things and there are methods such as penile injection that can enable a man to have satisfactory intercourse. There are also plenty of other ways to achieve orgasm and have a satisfying sexual life for both parties.

I'm not a sex therapist. Perhaps my thoughts are off base. It just seems to me that the impact of ED from prostate surgery shouldn't prevent a man, single or otherwise, from enjoying a satisfying sexual relationship with another woman and I think there are plenty of women out there who are keen to give it a try. You won't know until you start down the path.

Best of luck to you.

K

laserlight's picture
laserlight
Posts: 165
Joined: May 2012

Best friend, worst enemy, Kongo you are right. ED the fall out from prostate cancer, if there was ever a side effect that nobody wants this is it. The doctors will talk about this, but they all know to well what is going to happen. For a single guy this causes problems, just as for the married person. Just as for any man.

I am part of a quality of life study both pre and post surgery, I think that I have failed in this study. There are a group of doctors that send me questionares and a lot of this centers around treatment and ED. The questions asked, I for the most part cannot answer. ED sucks.

The pills work sometimes, but the side effects just cause problems. But the main item is cancer treatment.

It will take a special women to understand this and help you work thru this. The main item to keep in mind is that both of you have to adjust.

Cancer changes everything, I wish that I was 20 something again, now all I have is memories.

Good luck and hang in there, there are a lot of men dealing with the same issues.

This is good to talk about and needs to be out there. This is a side effect that needs to be looked at when considering treatment options.

Again best of luck

Kurt

Swingshiftworker
Posts: 620
Joined: Mar 2010

I'm single (62) and have been in several relationships w/women w/in my age group since my PCa diagnosis.

Women don't like to admit it BUT most enjoy sex as much as men do (although they probably don't obsess about it the way we do) AND male size and performance DO matter to them.

As for size, it's not the length so much as the girth that they like most and they prefer a man who can pay more than passing attention to the woman's needs and enjoyment before "getting off." Just as they don't like a man who comes too quickly, they also don't like a man who keeps banging away endlessly.

However, most (but not all) women will forgive lack of male endowment & performance if there are other things in the relationship that make up for it. Doesn't mean they don't care about the sex; just that they are able to put the importance of sex in the context of the relationship as a whole.

I've been with various women since I've been diagnosed w/PCa. I had radiation treatment (CyberKnife) and not surgery; no HT to date. I do not have full blown ED but (due to my age?) I've had occasional bouts of difficulty w/ED in the past but not currently. The main solution to this problem has been to take daily 5mg cialis when problems arise. The daily does is better than the 20mg (as needed dose) because you don't have to "plan" for the event. So, there's really no need to discuss "the problem."

On those occasions when I still had difficulty (which can happen) despite the medication, I play if off as just "one of those days" which women fully accept. No need to discuss it beyond that. Of course, it would be different if it became a chronic and continual problem which makes performance infrequent or impossible.

In that case, it all comes down to the quality of the relationship you have with the woman. Don't know how quickly you get to the possibility of sex when you meet a woman but, in my experience, it's usually between the 3rd to 5th date.

If you don't think you can perform or may have a problem performing when you think sex is eminent, I think it's best to just be straight w/the woman about it -- tell her about the PCa, the HT and ED -- and ask her what she likes and how you can still make the experience enjoyable for HER even if you're unable to "do it."

If she enjoys your company and values the relationship she'll compute the value of continuing w/the relationship or not based on her own desires/values. Chances are better than not that it won't matter (that much) to her and that you and she will continue to date until the relationship either blossoms or falters for other reasons.

Good luck!

BTW, when you say -- "It seems the hormones and the radiation have reduced things to a pre puberty size." -- are you referring to the size of your testes? If so, I've had a similar experience. I asked about "ball" size here before but no one else said that they noticed any change in that. Mine have definitely gotten smaller to the "feel" but this hasn't affected function noticeably.

taarph
Posts: 18
Joined: Aug 2012

When i referred to size it is both the testes are less than half and the penis is very short. because the urethera shrinks with both radiation and hormones thus this shortens the penis.
I honestly cant say if this is true during erection because I have not been able to achieve this
yet probably to soon i will wait and see!!

Swingshiftworker
Posts: 620
Joined: Mar 2010

Didn't know that HT reduces testes size but Vasco (below) confirms that. Mine got smaller w/o HT. I assumed it was due to testosterone drop associated w/CK treatment but Kongo said his RO said that CK should not have that effect. Mine "feel" smaller and less solid nonetheless.

As for penis length, this is the 1st I've heard that radiation or hormones can affect that. Has anyone else here experienced this?

It's well established (but not well advertised) that surgery will reduce the "perceived" size of the penis because it is drawn into the body cavity to fill the gap created by removal of the prostate. The penis doesn't actually get shorter; it just looks that way because less is visible after the surgery. The pump is recommended to try to draw the penis back out of the body cavity (as well as to deal w/post-surgical ED) but this technique does not seem to have any lasting effect.

Yogielow
Posts: 1
Joined: Mar 2014

I am much smaller then before.  I have never had a problem being naked before in from of strangers but now I don't like to be seen.  I want sex but I can't bring myself to let anyone see me.

Beau2
Posts: 228
Joined: Sep 2010

Hey Taarph,

There's a forum that deals deals with ED issues, www.franktalk.org.

As the name implies, the discussions can be pretty straight forward and frank.

Good luck with your ED issues and your fight with PCa.

ralph.townsend1's picture
ralph.townsend1
Posts: 350
Joined: Feb 2012

My doctor after RP, said we can put a Pump to take care of ED. If you do not have prostate cancer any more, than consider the pump. The CD I saw was pretty good in solving ED problems.

As Beau2 said, go to that site!!!!!

Good luck
.
God bless!!

VascodaGama's picture
VascodaGama
Posts: 1518
Joined: Nov 2010

I am impressed with the comments of the posters. Couldn’t do nothing but laughing to what it is written.
Thanks Swing for sharing your knowhow and the “strategies”.

What I recommend to my PCa fellas is that they keep “moving” the parts wherever they can. Atrophy seems to be a cause from a lack of blood supply within the cavernous cavities of the penis (damaged blood vessels). Damage of the nerve bundles around the prostate will cause loss of libido too and that is behind the experiences in RT patients.

In my experience with radical prostatectomy (no nerve spared procedure) I managed to get erections latter and my uro commented that in some guys the signalling-system start to use a different path (nerves) to satisfy to brains’ “demands”. It is good to be mentally active and physically massaging all the parts involved.

HT caused my balls to shrink to a considerable size. I kept massaging them with no success but now at my Off-drugs vacation I can see them returning to what used to be. They are bigger but not yet consistent or hard.

I congratulate Swing for his Casanova successes.

VG

Swingshiftworker
Posts: 620
Joined: Mar 2010

I owe it ALL to Match.com!

taarph
Posts: 18
Joined: Aug 2012

Thank you I( will try it. Thanks forv t6he concern

hunter49
Posts: 199
Joined: Oct 2011

ED can be an issue anytime in a guys life. Post surgery my buddy seems to act more like my kids, he listens when he feels like it. Drugs work but hate the way they make me feel. I took Jack Nicholson's advice in the Bucket List "never wate a hard on". So if at 3 a.m. he feels like it well "wake up sweetie". My wife and I have always had an erotic and active sexlife. She took the bull by the horns (figuratively) and did a lot. She believes stimulation can be enhanced visually so we did some experimenting. It helps not 100% but better than before. She is a woman who like sex often and Mr. Happy did not work we imprevised. The key part is communication. We have a friend who had an RP with issues as well who was single and my wife introduced him to one of her friends. From the start sex was discussed and they formed a relationship that is working. They always have a contingency plan if things do not go as planned. She is 41 with an active glands and told my wife things are good in that department. Hope this helps.

taarph
Posts: 18
Joined: Aug 2012

H i Hunter
Thanks for your answer itv was very enlightning and i hope more women can
answer also all your input seems to help. Just to know that I am not alone is
helping me because sometimes i feel very alone. I am reading all I can on the subject
and all knowledge is the best stimulant
Taarph

Peter51's picture
Peter51
Posts: 29
Joined: Nov 2004

Hello Taarph,
I was married when I was diagnosed but she had not supported me. We didn't even have sex from the time of my diagnosis to the surgery. Life can throw curve balls at you. She had become an alcoholic and cheated on me, even during the time before the surgery when all advice was to get away from the kids and have a brief 'honeymoon'. Well divorce followed and three years later I was dating and also suffering from ED.
I have had five girl friends since my divorce. I discussed my issue with each woman when the time was appropriate. All were very supportive. I would lament to each that I used to be bigger and longer lasting. All seemed to tell me I was great and all seemed to love sex. I didn't always know if they were just comforting me or maybe the reduced me was still better than what they were used to. I would always wish I could turn the clock back with each of these woman. It is ironic but when I was more than capable, it was always difficult to get woman to want sex. Now that I have ED, it seems the woman I date all have voracious appetites for sex. Go figure. Mind you I haven't jumped around. Each woman had a lasting relationship longer than the previous. The woman I am dating now I have been dating for three years. I have been careful with each regarding STD's and have discussed testing with each of us. Tender topic but important.
It is possible that having this problem and discussing it with each woman, they have been more eager to please me and comfort me. Maybe what I am saying is that these open discussions have greatly enhanced what should otherwise be a negative. Possibly it is psychological but opportunities seem bountiful. The real remaining problem is the ED. I have to use Viagra.
A couple years ago, I became annoyed with the high cost of Viagra and found men here who insisted of great results using foreign equivalents. This has helped because sex cannot be spontaneous. My last girlfriend would be tired and while grinning ask me, "you didn't take the little blue pill did you?" I would grin back and say,"yes I did". Obviously timing is important. In an open relationship, planning when to have sex is better.
I have rambled on enough. My point is that life goes on. Sex can continue. Maybe not the same. We each have different situations. We probably all have varying degrees of ED. Candid discussions have helped me greatly. Be open and be optimistic.

Peter

Subscribe with RSS
About Cancer Society

The content on this site is for informational purposes only. It is not a substitute for professional medical advice. Do not use this information to diagnose or treat a health problem or disease without consulting with a qualified healthcare provider. Please consult your healthcare provider with any questions or concerns you may have regarding your condition. Use of this online service is subject to the disclaimer and the terms and conditions.

Copyright 2000-2014 © Cancer Survivors Network