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I am so freakin done

deerello
Posts: 22
Joined: Mar 2012

I haven't posted in a while. But to recap, I had immediate reconsruction after my bilaral. Neither implant wanted to stay. My body, I guess, had had enough abuse and it did not tolerate intruders. The first one came out in May. I was still on chemo, and the hole still has not closed. 2nd one in July, skin is messed up. I am doing radiation on the axillary but the doctor wont start the chest wall until the site heals and I want to say "Dude it is not gonna heal" so that puts radiation off until doomsday or thereabouts. And, of course, my PS cant do anything until after. So my life is in limbo. I am walking around with two oozing holes where my breasts used to be, and I understand it takes what it takes, but the longer I am away from my life-financially, mentally, I don't know if I will be able to come back with it. And I also know that there are a lot of pink sisters out there worse off. I am still trying to understand what message God is trying to give me, but he remains elusive. I look in the mirror and I don't even recognize myself. I am so done with it. I am just so pissed. And SAD

Dwwilburn's picture
Dwwilburn
Posts: 19
Joined: May 2011

I am so so sorry you are going through all of this. I don't know what message God is trying to send either. I had a lumpectomy, so I didn't have to go through all that you have. I can relate to the sadness and the anger. Talking with other people with breast cancer, I think everyone has that up and down with anger and being sad. When I didn't have any hair, I listened over and over to Bruce Springsteen's Streets of Philadelphia song. I know it was about AIDS, but I could so relate.

I was bruised and battered and I couldnt tell
What I felt
I was unrecognizable to myself
I saw my reflection in a window I didn't know
My own face
Oh brother are you gonna leave me
Wastin´away
On the streets of philadelphia
[ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsfreak.com/b/bruce+springsteen/streets+of+philadelphia_20025067.html ]
I walked the avenue till my legs felt like stone
I heard the voices of friends vanished and gone
At night I could hear the blood in my veins
Black and whispering as the rain
On the streets of philadelphia

Aint no angel gonna greet me
Its just you and I my friend
My clothes don't fit me no more
I walked a thousand miles
Just to slip the skin

The night has fallen, Im lyinawake
I can feel myself fading away
So receive me brother with your faithless kiss
Or will we leave each other alone like this
On the streets of philadelphia

HootieGirl's picture
HootieGirl
Posts: 85
Joined: Feb 2011

I know this feeling all too well. Its awful. I had a mastectomy, went through months of chemo, gained 15 pounds from steroids, went through rads multiple times and none of it worked. The worst is looking in the mirror and not recognizing yourself. I was 19 when I was diagnosed and I felt so ugly and self conscious and insecure. I hate that you are having to go through this. I know you are just venting and I suggest that you vent away. That is what we are here for. If I could give you any bit of advice, it would be to take your time line you have in your mind for getting your breasts reconstructed, or starting radiation, or going into remission, whatever it may be- throw it out the window. That was the hardest thing for me, was getting my hopes up that something would happen by a certain date and just continuing to be disappointed. I'm 21 and its been two years since I was diagnosed and I'm still in limbo. It totally sucks and I know what you mean about not knowing God's plan, but I promise you, if you just have hope and faith throughout this shitty journey, you're going to get better and sooner or later you will realize His plan. It took me hitting rock bottom (i.e. my disease becoming terminal) to finally be at peace with everything. I wish I could take all of your anger and frustration and sadness away from you, but just never give up. You have made it this far, and I know you can make it through.

Praying so hard for you!
Hang in there!
Kat

deerello
Posts: 22
Joined: Mar 2012

I don't know which one you are in the picture, but can't go wrong either way. I am a lot older, but I still looked good. Isn't 40 the new 30? I feel like such a whiner now. Kat your **** sucks! I wish I could just hug you, and take you out for some oysters and cold beer, and just be like we used to be. Sometimes I wake up and I still can't come to grips with it. Thank you. You are so right about the timetable. When I had my implants, I booked a cruise, It has been rescheduled and will be again. I am afraid if I cancel and get my money back, I won't book it again. I am taking my two 13 year old sons. So many times in my life I have put things off, no more. Kat email me if you feel like it.

EveningStar2's picture
EveningStar2
Posts: 494
Joined: Jan 2009

have answers and I understand you are venting. You have good reasons to be overwhelmed with all of this and not happy with what you have to deal with. It isn't fair and you should not have to put up with this. But what are you going to do? I get it--I just had a reoccurance and a bilateral. If I knew then what I know now, I would have done things differently the first time but I didn't and I'm here and dealing with what I've got.

But we are here for you and understand the whole "I'm fried and don't want to/can't deal with this sh** any more".

Hang in there,

Maureen

MAJW
Posts: 2515
Joined: May 2009

We get it! There's nothing about bc that DOESN'T suck! Vent away....bc knows no age limit.....I truly don't think God is trying to give us a "message"....otherwise there are thousands of "us" that aren't getting the message we're supposed to....personally, I feel like it's genetic or just the "luck" of the draw...I have zero family history of bc.....I've been fighting this since 4/09....was in remission for 19months and it came back in my lymph nodes...which were clear at the time of my lumpectomy....go figure! I am now in remission....words I never thought I would ever hear again being stage IV....

What are your doctors doing about your open wounds? I can't imagine what that's like...or your disappointment over failed reconstruction...hopefully you will get some relief and soon!

Keep us posted, we care
Hugs, Nancy

Gabe N Abby Mom's picture
Gabe N Abby Mom
Posts: 2415
Joined: Sep 2010

Oh yes, I do 'get it'. I agree with Nancy, I don't think there is any message about cancer or any other illness. I think it's a big giant game of russian roulette...some of us get cancer, some alzheimers, some get parkinsons, or heart attack, stroke, MS, ALS...the list is long.

I hope my story will help you get through dealing with your open wounds, I'll try and be brief. Aug 2010 I was dx'd with triple neg inflammatory breast cancer, straight to chemo. IBC also automatically means mastectomy, and no reconstruction for at least a year. Then rads, I did 44 rounds, 2x a day for 22 days. A year later I had a local recurrence, and additional testing showed mets to the lymph nodes between my lungs. So re-excision surgery to remove the local recurrence and then chemo for the mets. Because the area had been so heavily and recently radiated, and because I was on chemo (Xeloda) the wound wasn't healing. For four months I had weekly trips to the nurse to clean the wound and decide what the next steps should be. Eventually, she said "Wow, that's skin. I don't have to see you any more." It was actually bittersweet because we got to know each other pretty well in those 4 months.

What I hope you get from this is that with persistence those wounds will eventually get to healed. Are there times when the daily care and regular wound checks gets to be a drag? Oh yeah. And that's what this board is for. We will always listen, and do our best to lift your spirits.

BTW, I have long ago decided no reconstruction for me, ever. I have enough other stuff to deal with. I don't need or want any additional surgeries. For me, it's a little like Kat's timeline. Once I stopped thinking about the possibility of reconstruction, I had a sense of relief, a worry removed.

I hope this helps you. Please let us know how you're doing.

Hugs,

Linda

hope4thebest's picture
hope4thebest
Posts: 108
Joined: Aug 2012

Just wanted to send some support, this illness does suck. I had a bilateral mast/ reconstruction and my body has cooperated, so far. It still is strange, never will be the same. Throw expectations and judgement out the window, it is unfair to put those pressures on ourselves. During my surgeries, I took things hour by hour. That helped me, I never asked about healing time, or any such estimates. We are all different, no-one can predict how our bodies will respond. Keep the faith inside you. When I had my surgeries, I took down my mirror, it is still down because I am not comfortable with my appearance yet. Modify your life, and keep writing, we are here for you. Aloha.

disneyfan2008
Posts: 5340
Joined: Oct 2010

every try a journal? I did...i rec'd two as gifts..I would have never started one or thought of it..but in hind sight very helpful

Denise

DianeBC's picture
DianeBC
Posts: 3888
Joined: Jun 2009

Just wanted to let you know that I will be praying for you. I just wish there were more I could do. Please keep posting and venting.

Hugs, Diane

disneyfan2008
Posts: 5340
Joined: Oct 2010

every try a journal? I did...i rec'd two as gifts..I would have never started one or thought of it..but in hind sight very helpful

Denise

mom62
Posts: 600
Joined: Mar 2004

Hi,

I have had BC twice and have mets. My second bout led to 5 surgeries. My advice about your wounds is to ask your doctor about a KCI Vacuum. I had this because my wound wasn't healing. It helps the wound heal much faster. I don't know if this would help but worth a try to ask. I think most of us can relate to your situation. Just remember that your breasts do not define who you are. It's normal to feel angry and not feel like dealing with it anymore. I think most of us can relate to that as well. We all agree that cancer S**ks. Unfortunatly a lot of people's bodies reject foreign objects. I had mesh implanted and ended up getting an infection from it which ended up with the removal of the mesh from my body. It is hard to keep it all going at times but I want you to know that acceptance is possible. I don't believe it's a message from God. I think most of us walk around with the gene and something happens that triggers it. I'm sorry you are having to go through this. I did a journal only when I was angry so I could get it all out on paper. I would also suggest a therapist or support group to help you with all of your emotions. I hope your wounds heal fast and that you are able to do your radiation soon. Please know that we are here for you. Feel free to vent anytime.

((hugs))
Terry

ESDC
Posts: 43
Joined: Sep 2012

Just wanted to send love and huge hugs from the UK. I can only begin to imagine how awful it must be for you coping with losing your implants, painful wounds, and body image at such a young age. You have every right to feel all the things you're feeling and it is perfectly normal. I hope you're having a better day today and want you to know you'll be in my prayers.

xxxx

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