Aug 27, 2012 - 4:26 pm
Well, it's been a year since my diagnosis. What a year it's been! I remember feeling the lump and then the fright that accompanied it. I remember feeling so alone with my feelings at that very moment. My family was sound asleep and I could not wake anyone up. I wouldn't do that to them. I left my bed and headed to the living room and felt the lump over and over again. I somehow managed to get some sleep and when I awoke I prayed the lump was all just my imagination. It wasn't. I remember seeing my husband come towards me with his "good morning Hon" greeting. He looked at me as I tried desperately to look happy as I smiled up at him. He stopped and asked "what's wrong?" Cue the floodgates. He was stunned but practical. He told me not to get ahead of myself and wait until I see the doctor to figure out just what this lump is.
THEN.....my daughter and son in law make their way out of bed. They just flew in the night before from Israel to spend 3 months with me and my husband. My baby girl took one look at me and asked what's wrong. I told her I felt a lump. We just hugged each other and fell to the floor. No words. Just tears. It was the saddest moment of my life.
I see my PCP that morning and he tells me it is a cyst. But did say he wanted me to get a mammo right away. I had the mammo the following day and that's when my world came crashing down around me.
Cancer, to me, is psychological warfare. It messes with your mind just as much as it does with the body. I was lucky. I dodged the chemo bullet. I did 2 surgeries and 38 rounds of radiation. Most of you know that my ride is not over and know what a year I've had.
I learned not to lean on family. Such a sad statement for me. I have 7 brothers, 1 sister and my dad. The brothers have basically turned a blind eye to my plight. I figure they know their sister to be one strong SOB and will get through this. They are right but I really do need their support. No matter. It is they who will be hurting and feeling guilty should anything happen to me. They will have to answer to a higher power in the end. They will have to face their own demons and live with themselves for being so distant.
My dad an sister are completely opposite from the brothers. I am blessed to have them go through this with me. They both know when to back off because I sometimes do need to just deal on my own.
I've learned who my real friends are. And boy ... there are plenty of them. I could not have gone through this ordeal without them. I've cried, screamed, bit**ed and been a baby with them. It didn't scare them off. WOW! We are blessed when we can count on one hand the TRUE friends we have. Well, I can count both hands and feet and say they are my true friends. I am so very blessed and loved.
This past year has taught me to slow down. Heck ... I didn't really have a choice. I've learned to be more accepting of others. The little things really don't matter. I am not as judgmental as I once was. I still get crazy about stupid stuff from time to time. I am still human after all.
Here's the most wonderful thing that has happened in the past year. I've "met" some of the most wonderful, caring people right here ... on CSN.
Thank you so very much for holding me up through all of this. Honestly, I would not have been able to move forward without you all.
YOU ARE ALL MY SISTERS. YOU ARE ALL VERY SPECIAL TO ME.
I wish I could reach out and physically hug each and every one of you. As we all head down different roads, let us be grateful that we found each other.
Sorry for writing such a long note (again), but I needed to REFLECT.